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Memories

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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


0 posted 09-21-1999 06:22 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

In a song, suddenly
there is you
directing the dance.
Swiftly like a rising curtain
locked together swaying
is that fragile moment
still lit and lanquid
and poised forever in grace.

In the music of a laugh
the curve of your lip
breaths new and real
as a flash of color stirs
then flows across my bare shoulder
where I was cold
and now am warm
© Copyright 1999 Martie Odell-Ingebretsen - All Rights Reserved
Lady In White
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 02-12-2001
Posts 2919
USA


1 posted 08-08-2001 02:47 PM       View Profile for Lady In White   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lady In White


I know this is in CA Martie, but it likes me a lot...you should think of putting it over in Open where it will be warmly received...

as far as tearing it apart, I cannot do so, because darn...it just likes me too much!
furlong
Member
since 04-08-2001
Posts 128


2 posted 08-08-2001 05:18 PM       View Profile for furlong   Email furlong   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for furlong

Martie

Well waddya know!!

Hi there  , very nice to see you here indeed.

Well I might as well cut to the chase and say straight away that IMHO you can do much better than this.  I know you can because I’ve seen ... lol.  This is a nice easy read, it has reasonably good rhythm although maybe some of the line breaks seemed a little mechanical, as though you broke where the lines looked even.  The alliteration carries you through quite smoothly and I have no problem with that (dare I say I like it!):

song/suddenly
directing/dance
lit/languid (typo on languid?)
flash/flows

but for me there was just too much unoriginality (especially in the second strophe), which from you, who has produced so so many wonderfully new images and metaphors, was kind of disappointing.  Two lines that were a little closer to your “usual” standard were “as a flash of color stirs/then flows across my bare shoulder”.  

So I guess my verdict is that although I can definitely hear a glimmer of the martie “voice” it’s not one of your stronger efforts.

As always, just my opinion, and blunt as ever no doubt  

More poems?

F
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


3 posted 08-08-2001 05:52 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

furlong--you can blame Lady in White for bringing this one up from the good old days of l999.  If I look at it in that light...maybe your comments mean that I have improved since then..I think so, anyway.
In any case, you are right. This is not one of my best.  I appreciate you taking the time for a critique of such length.  It is much appreciated!

Thanks so much for seeing this Lady and for liking it enough to bring it to the top, and thank you furlong for your candor.  

[This message has been edited by Martie (edited 08-08-2001).]

furlong
Member
since 04-08-2001
Posts 128


4 posted 08-09-2001 06:58 AM       View Profile for furlong   Email furlong   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for furlong

oops ... silly me, should have checked the date!

still.... same question...

more poems?

F
citizenx
Member
since 07-31-2001
Posts 206
motorcade


5 posted 08-09-2001 01:14 PM       View Profile for citizenx   Email citizenx   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for citizenx

Martie,
There is so much dark poetry that a poem that is warm and glowing is a rarity and should be enjoyed,
On that level your poem is a gem, beautiful simplistic and warm. I can not really judge because I drag up all kinds of dark wounded images easily but to write something beautiful becomes a trial. However that is me not you, if this was your first attempt at writing this type of poetry I would be kind but I have read many of your poems, and I have to echo furlong's thoughts.  

If I maybe so bold as to make some suggestions,

" In a song, suddenly
there is you
directing the dance."

Personally I found that the opening did not grab me, it sets up the rest of the verse but it does have the rhythm of the rest of the verse and still it seems somewhat separate to the rest of the verse. I would almost suggest opening with

" Swiftly like a rising curtain
locked together swaying"

A much more powerful and beautiful image. Of course that would upset the structure of the poem,
Maybe moving the opening line to the end of the verse,

"still lit and lanquid
and poised forever in grace..
Directing it dance
there was you."


" as a flash of color stirs
then flows across my bare shoulder"

Favourite image in the poem, beautiful.
and I feel maybe the poem should end on that high,

" where I was cold
and now am warm"

eek I know that you are working with short sentences
so creating images can be quite difficult but I just feel those lines were an anti climax.

I hope I don't sound to forward or too critical but I know that you can give this the Martie magic.


Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


6 posted 08-09-2001 06:20 PM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

It's great to see you in CA my friend! When I have time, which is in very short supply right now, I'll be straight back to crit your poems k?

Hugs...

K

I am a refugee of logic...insisting
on unlikely land with every step.

James_A_Fraser
Senior Member
since 09-03-2003
Posts 981
Out Making Anticlines


7 posted 07-03-2004 08:47 AM       View Profile for James_A_Fraser   Email James_A_Fraser   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for James_A_Fraser

Where to begin....where to begin....

With a memory, of course! You were as beautiful then as you are now.



~~J

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


8 posted 07-03-2004 11:07 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Might we demand a repost?  In Open???

James_A_Fraser
Senior Member
since 09-03-2003
Posts 981
Out Making Anticlines


9 posted 07-04-2004 09:54 AM       View Profile for James_A_Fraser   Email James_A_Fraser   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for James_A_Fraser

I'd vote for that!

I wondered what this beautiful lady's first PIP poem looked like, and sure enough it's a fine one.

Whatcha say, Martie?



~~J

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