A Classic Tune - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Robin
Junior Member

since 1999-08-07

Posts 48
Cardiff, Wales, UK

0 posted 1999-09-11 05:08 AM

A Classic Tune
Robin Laffan

A past forgotten is a time not missed
Memory play’s on life’s piano,
Discord and harmony, both the same.
The same keys
The same past
Different times
Different tunes

I’m in no mood for a tune today
But the old refrain swirls in my head.
A tune I cannot forget,
A time I cannot bear.

I hear the echoes still in my future
As new dreams fail to mask the old.
Dreams that should be memories
Are still songs as real as the day.
So I dance to my tune with the shadow
Of a silent partner
And seek for the music in my mind,
Holding back the realisation
Of a now that never will be.

A past remembered is not in the past.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 1999-09-11 05:31 PM

Well, personally, I cannot find one thing wrong, or anything that I would suggest as a change with this piece. And I really, really looked, three times. Trust me!

Well done!

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 1999-09-15 01:29 AM

Robin,
Great beginning but it doesn't quite follow through for me (Am I a malcontent or what?). I like the metaphor of piano and life but I wonder if you might want to take it further? How detailed can you get it? The structure of the piano (hammers and strings, the keys, the color, what type? Is it out of 'tune' as well as playing a 'tune'.

Some more thoughts:
"A past remembered is not in the past" -- fantastic sentiment but can't you show me something like this in a situation? I don't know. Maybe you shouldn't touch that because I do like the way it sounds (Is he beginning to waffle? Yes.)

I would definitely reconsider "So I dance to my tune with the shadow/ Of a silent partner" -- this image is used all the time and it gets tedious after awhile. If I were you I'd go with the tune, tuning, piano thing and see what happens.

Just my opinion,
Brad

Robin
Junior Member

since 1999-08-07

Posts 48
Cardiff, Wales, UK

3 posted 1999-09-15 01:19 PM

Thanks sunshine, glad you liked it.

Brad,
You are forever complaining aren't you! I don't know why I bother!

And I was really pleased with the shadow of a partner bit too! I thought I was being original. Oh well.
I quite like the idea of going into more detail, but whenever I try it, I just get bogged down in the detail.
Thanks for you thoughts anyway. As with most of my work, i'll be putting it away (with comments) and looking at it again in the future.

Cheers.

loyd168282
Junior Member

since 1999-09-10

Posts 12
lou,ky jefferson

4 posted 1999-09-15 02:43 PM

IT MEANS SOOOOOOOOO MUCH. YOU DID SUCH A GREAT JOB.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 1999-09-16 02:19 AM

Robin,
Don't you hate it when you get all excited that someone else has commented on your poem only to find out that it's only me again?

[did I get that sign right? I'm still trying to figure out how they work]

Anyway, I thought you might want to try a writing trick. Go find a piano and spend a good half an hour just describing it as much as possible (don't worry about the poem). Get into as much specific,unique detail as you can on that one piano -- inside and outside and its surroundings (it might even be fun to go to a piano store and pretend your trying to buy one. Try to get some information from the salesman or something.)
Then, see what specific desciptions can be used and matched with your theme (and maybe even alter your theme depending on how it works).

As a general guide, the more detail the less chance of an overused phrase.

Brad

rachana.s
Member

since 1999-09-16

Posts 55
madras,tamil nadu,India

6 posted 1999-09-17 06:04 AM

robin,

I'm new here, but I've been reading through most of the posts here. I sure liked this one. It is great. First I thought that it did not become me to keep commenting on poems, then I thought what the hell - if it was good then I'd like to appreciate it.

I liked your writing style, so while you are at it, could you do me a favour? I have a new post here and I would very much like your opinion.

rachi

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.