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Redemption
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Redemption |
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beowulf_26 Member
since 1999-06-29
Posts 183
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As I peer into my essence I am frightened at what I see. A brooding boy. Shrouded in darkness. Eyes seething contempt. Contempt for his own flesh. Hatred to the loins that spawned him. Longing for his father. How could he be borne By the unsubstantial jellyfish Floating with his own poison. As the boy looks inside He is saddened at what he sees. A crying infant. Hungry for attention. Longing for his father. The newborn looks at the boy With knowing eyes That wearily speak of experience Far beyond his years. Steely eyes forged from the pain Of seeing his mother beaten Knowing he could not intervene. Knowing one day The winds would shift And the blows would rain on him. But better him than his mother. And better him so that it would Fortify his resolve. That when he was big enough, Strong enough. There would be no more fury. Only whimpering. Begging for mercy. Groveling. Only the fury to protect his loved ones. The fury to protect his progeny. And only the the desire to shower love upon. Them. The newborn looks To the boy. The boy, To the young man who sees his father. Stripped of his control over a family. He pities this blinded shell of a man. By some miracle he finds strength. He forgives. |
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| © Copyright 1999 beowulf_26 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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beowulf_26 Member
since 1999-06-29
Posts 183 |
I know some may find it bad form to respond to your own poem. For that I apoligize. I just felt that there were some things I wanted to say. First off, I have been to many boards in the hope of finding one where the writers critiqued each other instead of just saying "good job!" to anything that is over two words long. The other main thing is that I've been overwhelmed with the quality of poetry and banter between peoples here. I only hope that as I mature into an adult I'll be able to match such eloquence. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Overall, I enjoyed this poem. I think you've got a powerful idea and the ending is satisfying but I feel somehow that it lacks the tension that should be here. For one, I don't think you've shown the father very well -- can you make those images clearer? You have a greate chronological movement (and I like the way it zigs in and out) but I don't feel anything for the father; I don't feel the hatred, the anger, the fury, or even the forgiveness of the boy because I can only discern the shadow of the man. A couple more points: 'As I peer into my essence' seems to metaphysical; it's an interesting shift in voice (from the first to the third person) but I think it detracts from the poem rather than enhances. Don't get me wrong -- I really like I peer inside to the boy who looks inside nimself kind of thing but that first line bothers me. 'unsubstantial jellyfish / Floating with his own poison' -- good line. My only other problem would be that the main character seems guiltless. He reacts from sef-righteous fury to Christian like forgiveness. Why not throw some more complexity in there? What are his faults? His self doubt? Does he wonder if the situation is somehow his fault? While I think this is much better than most 'judgement poetry' (published or unpublished), I still think it has that 'feel' to it. Just an opinion, BradI |
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beowulf_26 Member
since 1999-06-29
Posts 183 |
Here is my revamped version. Suggestions? I am frightened at what I see. A brooding boy. Shrouded in darkness. Eyes seething contempt. Contempt for his own flesh. Hatred to the loins that spawned him. Longing for his father. A father married to his boss. Shackled by the hate of his clan. Lashing back. How could the boy be borne By this unsubstantial jellyfish Floating with his own poison? As the boy looks inside He is saddened at what he sees. A crying infant. Hungry for attention. Longing for his father. The newborn looks at the boy With knowing eyes That wearily speak of experience Far beyond his years. Steely eyes forged by the pain Of gazing upon caked blood refreshed by tears. Knowing he could not intervene. Knowing one day The winds would shift And the blows would rain on him. But better him than his mother. And better him so that it would Fortify his resolve. That when he was big enough, Strong enough. There would be no more fury. Justice would be dealt. All the pain caused by the beast Would be reflected. Oh, would he even fathom the pain? Or the stiffness in his muscles in anticipation of the blow? Would that dog? There will be only Only whimpering. Begging for mercy. Groveling. The newborn looks To the boy. The boy, To the young man who sees his father. Stripped of his control over a family. Scrunched as if in the womb. His chest heaving and wailing. He pities this blinded shell of a man. The boy’s head drops to the floor. By some miracle he finds strength. He forgives. -Brad Thank you much for your comments. I took them to heart and spent much time revising this poem. Unfortunatly, I still don't have the feel I was hoping for in this poem. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
b 26, I don't know what feeling you were trying to evoke but this is a much more powerful poem to my mind. I really, really like this second version. You've added a lot more complexity to the poem without sacrificing the final simplicity of the ending. The build up and then the final 'what was I going to do?' reversal works well for me. I've got some minor pet peeves but I think it works fine as it is. 'I am frightened at what I see' -- I think this works so much better. Do you agree? It's direct and tugs at the reader immediately without any residual questions like what does he mean by essence. 'A father married to his boss' stanza. Multiple possibilities here. I wouldn't change it because it creates exactly the feelings I was trying to suggest in my earlier post. 'That wearily speak of experience/ far beyond his years' -- okay, this I would change. It's a cliche. Maybe describe the eyes only. Don't talk about experience. 'knowing one day . . .' stanza. You need this as a transition but your working dangerously close to a cliche again. Can you try some other metaphor, not wind, to get this across. 'But better he than his mother' -- I think this sounds better. No, grammar is not a major consideration for me when adressing poetry. But the sound is and I think 'him' combined with 'mother' slows it down slightly. Use 'he' in the second line and you have the added power of the subject, not the object, taking control. Except for 'oh' which maybe should be or or but (I hate 'oh's at the beginning of lines), everything else works well. Good job! Brad |
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