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Critical Analysis #1
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It's just happening next door
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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It's just happening next door |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I awoke to the charming clouds of tear gas, again, Drifting down the trough between my house And the university over there. I went to The bathroom and soaked a rag in water, Put it on my face, engulfed myself in blankets, And tried to go back to sleep, tried not to think About things that don't concern me, Not my country, Not even things I believe. I heard the draftees march right outside my window, Speaking in cadence and saw on the back of their Black uniforms a flourescent design to tell Them what side Of the streets to assemble on. Heard Helicopters shooting more gas cannisters into the crowds Of students who wanted to be like Germany. When it's quiet you can hear their screams, too. I tried to drown the smoke with a nicotine rush That just made me cough more; my eyes burned, Couldn't see, and rememembered that someone Had said that this stuff was a carcinogen which meant That I was probably going to die for a movement That I don't care about just because it's happening Next door. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Brad - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Wolfgang Member
since 1999-05-24
Posts 124Hamilton, Ont. Canada |
Rapt attention reading, quite visual and effective. The last stanza humerous (in a way) is the way I see it. Good stuff. I know you want more critical comments but for today, this will have to do. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Believe it or not, this is fine. You can't expect everybody to go into detail on every poem (who has the time or the energy) but as long as you show me what you felt in relation to the words I wrote, it's helpful. I intended the last stanza to be obviously ironic (as indeed the whole poem is supposed to be). From my point of view if you find it funny, then I knot I got something right. And I like positive comments as well. I am human (contrary to what some of my former girlfriends have said). Brad |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This is the second poem I posted here and I only got two responses (that's okay because my first, even before I was a moderator, got twenty). There is nothing wrong with a little self promotion now and then. As poets, we kind of have to be self promoters and believers in our own poetry -- very few others will.  Anyway, I just thought I'd see if this has anything of value for anyone else. If not, please say so. On a different subject, is it just me or does anybody else see a general rise in the quality of poetry around here? I don't know if the process is working or if I'm just in a really good mood, but I think we have a lot of pretty good stuff to read right now. Thanks, Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I'm still trying to get the hang of critiquing free-verse, so bear with me. The first striking effect your poem communicates to me is atmosphere. Riots, helicopters, tear gas, soldiers in the streets ... it is a fearsome (and alien to most people) backdrop. The narrator gives me the impression that this has been going on for some time by the casualness by which he deals with the discomfort of the tear gas. "When it's quiet you can hear their screams, too" gives me the impression that he really has never been more scared in his life. A nice touch to this poem, I think. It lends to its realism (who wouldn't be scared?). "Of students who wanted to be like Germany" seems a little awkward to me. Like what about Germany? Like German students, German government? The old or the new Germany? It's a bit vague to me (perhaps you intended it to be so). But if the line has any important meaning, I'm afraid it was lost to me. I like the irony at the end of the poem but think it would be more effective if the narrators' nervousness was better communicated before the last sentence. The lighting of the cigarette I think hints at his nervousness but only hints. Just my opinion, though. "On a different subject, is it just me or does anybody else see a general rise in the quality of poetry around here?" I haven't been here for long but I certainly see some excellent work in the forum. I, for one, think my writing is improving as a result of my being here every day (I hope I am not the only one who thinks so, though  ). This really is a great place to better one's writing. Or maybe we are both just in a good mood (hah!).------------------ Jim "If I rest, I rust." -Martin Luther |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
brad- the way that i see it, this poem can be understood two ways. 1) the narrator is an innocent by stander, who demonstrates the insanity of war when he proclaims he will probably die for a movement that he has nothing to do with. or 2) perhaps this is told as though the narrator is being taught a lesson. his apathy led to his demise. if he had cared about what was going on next door, maybe he would have had purpose, even honor in his death. that's just what i got out of it. but having read most of your postings on here, i'd have to say it's the latter explanation, as you seem to be a pretty socially conscious person, and are condemning this foreigner for not caring. am i getting close? i think the line about the screams is not so much realism as a sudden sentimental thrust, especially since the narrator instills apathy into the first two stanzas. the last line of the second stanza, you mention germany, which usually gives the feeling of hard, cold, nazis. that i feel lends to the intensity of the solitary line that follows it. sort of an "all quiet on the western front" feeling for me. anyways, great poem. i do agree about the improvement around here. as long as people keep helping others with their comments and critiques, it will continue. i hope to begin improving soon myself. by the way, what was your first post? |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Brad, Positively awash with irony - from the fifth word onwards I knew where you were headed - in a similar vein to your "transmission garbled" poem (see you were right I can't remember the title but I can remember "transmission garbled" (lol). I loved the wonderful ..... "things that don't concern me, Not my country, Not even things I believe." the implication being of course that the things that do concern the speaker are what colour his socks are, getting his bath water the right temperature and suchlike ... The rush of the first two stanzas and the speaker's efforts to blot out the irritations suddenly break with the single separate line ...... "When it's quiet you can hear their screams, too." As well as making the message that much more powerful this had two effects on me: 1 It seemed to highlight even more strongly the mean spiritedness of the speaker 2 It made me feel that for maybe just one second the speaker had paused in his obsession with his own selfish well being. The line suggests strongly a pause in the noise outside and this is parallelled by a pause in the speaker's monologue of whinging - for just one brief second he suddenly reflects that maybe what's happening out there isn't so good. Then the moment is gone .. and worse is to follow, the reaction of the speaker to a momentary lapse into concienciousness is to grab at something to blot out the problem, something almost as distasteful as the tear gas itself. He tries to drown out bad with bad. And then the absolutely SUPREME irony saved till last (lol) - the idiot completely "forgets" that nicotine is carcogenic and starts to whine about the remote (not even proven) possibility that he might suffer long term effect from the gas. Magnificent Brad. I hate him. All of that was great. Now then I hope you won't mind me asking why this is a poem? lol Perhaps you'll point me in the direction of another forum, but please don't because this piece is typical of stuff I read that is obviously very "good", but I'm really having trouble understanding what makes it poetry. Finally I haven't been in the forum long but seeing as you raise the matter of the quality of poetry, compared with news groups and groups the stuff I've seen here over the last few weeks is in a different (higher lol) league. Not only that, but Roxane is quite right, the effort people put into the comments makes a real difference too. I'm sure that trying to live up to the quality of poems that have been posted makes me for one try that much harder to write well. I just want to say thanks to everyone. and Roxane I'm glad you added a wink after... "i hope to begin improving soon myself. " or you would have been gettin some seriously heavy irony winging its way towards you from me ~smile~ .Philip |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Brad, Not leaving you out in the cold here, you know the situation and I'm working on getting back here. Just wanted to let you know I did read this and can't think of anything bad to say about it except I wish I'd written it instead of you. It brings a good message (I know you claim not to care about content), the flow works well...where it hesitates is where it is meant to to bring the readers attention, and the imagery is grand. Got to give you a well done on this one. Ruth |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Brad, want to play a game? How about global thermal nuclear war?... please don't ask what the hell that was all about. "I awoke to the charming clouds of tear gas, again, Drifting down the trough between my house And the university over there. I went to The bathroom and soaked a rag in water, Put it on my face, engulfed myself in blankets, And tried to go back to sleep, tried not to think About things that don't concern me, Not my country, Not even things I believe." I agree with what has been said about the tone in the opening stanza. It gives a good impression about the regularity of the event. I thought the "tried to go back to sleep" could have been chopped down to "tried for sleep" or chopped out completely while leaving, "tried not to think" intact, but it's probably only a difference in writing styles that made me say that and not any actual changes needed. AND NOW INTRODUCING, THE ONE AND ONLY..... STANZA TWO!" {crowd erupts in cheers and a riot breaks out....Geraldo gets a chair thrown at his nose} "."I heard the draftees march right outside my window, Speaking in cadence and saw on the back of their Black uniforms a flourescent design to tell Them what side Of the streets to assemble on. Heard Helicopters shooting more gas cannisters into the crowds Of students who wanted to be like Germany Good "feel" to this stanza and the idea is there but personally I thought you could have worded it a little differently. I agree with what Jbouder said about the Germany part. Even though I knew you meant it in a negative way I couldn't stop myself from questioning what you really meant by "Germany". This is how I would have worded this stanza, hope you don't mind buddy... but then again, too late if you do  I heard the draftees march right outside my window, Speaking in cadence from their Black uniforms; a flourescent design telling Them what side Of the streets to assemble on. Heard Helicopters shooting more gas cannisters into the crowds Of students who wanted to be in Helicopters shooting gas cannisters into the crowds. I don't know if that works, kind of a different twist to the meaning, it's only advice so do with it as you please... perhaps file it in the green "G" folder located next to your desk. "When it's quiet you can hear their screams, too." I wasn't sure if you were meaning literally, ie. "A loud scream broke through the stillness of the night"... or if you meant you dwelt on them.ie."The screams have stayed with me even after the war was over."..personally I interpreted it as the first example....and that's the beauty of art. Also I thought the "too" wasn't necessary or at least not the comma before it. "I tried to drown the smoke with a nicotine rush That just made me cough more; my eyes burned, Couldn't see, and rememembered that someone Had said that this stuff was a carcinogen which meant That I was probably going to die for a movement That I don't care about just because it's happening Next door." I, like the rest of your cult, really liked the last stanza. Very well written and witty. The only suggestion I have for this stanza is maybe another line break on the second last line, between "about" and "just". Either or on that one, it's minor thing and doesn't make a lot of difference except to the ending tempo. Anyways buddy-boy, good solid poem, enjoyed it, especially the ending. Take care, Trevor |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks to all who replied. I agree with people about the 'Germany' line. The poem is based on a demonstration at Yonsei University in Korea for reunification that got out of hand. I live literally some fifty feet from the school and so all of this is more or less true. Anyone with even a cursory knowledge of this area of the world knows that the Korean problem is much more complex than the German one -- and that one was easy? I wanted one reference to the actual political situation but I just can't seem to get it quite right. The original line was 'protesting youth demanding reunification' which doesn't ring well in my ear as well. Roxane, I think both interpretations are valid but, yes, I would probably side with the latter one. My point, I guess, is that apathy doesn't shield you from political problems and objectifies the very nature of people. No man is an island kind of thing. Trevor, You don't like the comma? I'll think about it but I was just trying to slow the reader down just a little bit more. Yes, I want people to dwell on that line for a moment. Philip, Don't hate the guy too much. I really did light that cigarette. Brad PS Global Thermal Nuclear War? -- Can I get a pass off the planet -- a sort of get out of jail free card? |
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Moon_stone Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 11 |
Brad, Your poem made me to think about the conditions of common people who want to live peacefully but drawn into strong currents of disturbances from which there is no escape however hard you try. ( The tablets you took symoblises an attempted escape ). Thanks I read the poem. Moon_stone. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Bard whoops ... Brad (appropriate typo!) YIKE ... you are too honest! .. I probably would've felt exactly the same .. but never admitted it to myself let alone the world. Philip PS You didn't answer the "why a poem" question? .[This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 12-09-1999).] |
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