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Critical Analysis #1

One Cold November Night

Helea
Junior Member

since 1999-08-30

Posts 15
Canada

0 posted 1999-08-30 04:07 PM

One Cold November Night
By Helea

One cold November night, I woke up unexpectedly.
I heard your voice and that sweet melody reached me.
It travelled deep into my dreams to find where I was hiding.
I then sat up and felt tears running down my cheeks.
I opened my eyes to see if I could find you
Only to realize it had been the wind.

Or maybe, just maybe you miss me and your love for me was strong enough to reach me.
Or you dreamt about me and our dreams became one.
Maybe you cursed my name and your anger made it's way into my most inner feelings.
Or you're making your way up to the stars and just wanted to say good-
bye.
It could be that I miss your touch, your kisses and your love.
But then maybe, maybe it was just the wind.

Robin
Junior Member

since 1999-08-07

Posts 48
Cardiff, Wales, UK

1 posted 1999-08-30 05:17 PM

This is a very good, very touching piece, Helea. I'd suggest you break up the lines though, each line you have in this, will work even better as two.

Very well done!

Robin

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 1999-09-01 01:59 AM

I suppose I'll have to apologize tomorrow for all of this but don't we all have malcontent streaks at times?

Seems to me you're telling me about a poem you want to write but you haven't written it yet. Your use of maybe's in the second stanza are the beginning of an idea. You're considering the idea of telepathy, empathy, or out of body experiences -- why not have those really happen and consider the consequences?

Pretty scary if you ask me.
Thanks for the free verse.
Brad

Emmy
Member

since 1999-06-29

Posts 194
KY

3 posted 1999-09-04 09:23 PM

I also believe that breaking up the lines would do more justice to this poem. Also, to put in my own 2 cents, I think that even if you don't break up the lines in the first part, the last part's lines could be shortened or cut up a little; it gives the poem a lobsided appearance (and I don't mean physically). Well done though, and thanks for sharing.

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