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mister61
Junior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 41
bergen county, nj

0 posted 1999-08-21 05:58 PM

You heard me loud and clear, I know
When I agreed that I should go
And how I saw that you were right,
That all we ever do is fight

That things could never be the same
And all that's left, an empty game
Which neither one would win or lose
With nothing left for us to choose

And when you said it's time to quit,
I lost the will to just admit
To all the many tears I've cried
For fear our bond would come untied

Of course, I said, I know it too
There's nothing left for us to do
The time has come to say good-bye;
To think I said I'd never lie

[This message has been edited by mister61 (edited 08-21-99).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 1999-08-22 04:36 AM

You've got the meter down perfectly -- iambic tetrameter (this would be a good example in a class -- clear and easy to read). My problem with this piece is that you've made it take over your poem. You need to be more specific -- What were you arguing about? How long has this been going on? When did you have this conversation? What did she/he smell-taste-feel like? I need to see a poem to fully enjoy it and I have a hard time with this one.

Thanks though,
Brad

caroline
Senior Member

since 1999-08-16

Posts 1218
http://members.xoom.com/belladona123/index.htm

2 posted 1999-08-25 09:49 PM

Indeed the meter is perfect. As a more auditory person, the poem works well for me. I don't need the extra detail to garner the emotion here...you've done an excellent job at leaving something to the reader's imagination, and therefore his/her own interpretation of the piece. I agree with Brad that it is clear and easy to read. Good work.

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The only man worth your tears will never make you cry...

Majere
Junior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 32

3 posted 1999-08-26 12:50 PM

I agree with Caroline (and Brad as well) perfect meter and scheme... the content was just perfect, leaving enough unsaid so those of us who may have been there - or somewhere similar, would know exactly what you meant.

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Such is the way to immortality ;)

PartiStarks
Junior Member

since 1999-07-31

Posts 38
Brooklyn, NY

4 posted 1999-08-26 09:32 PM

Pretty poem.

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