navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » ?
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic ? Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
jfreak
Member
since 1999-06-17
Posts 306
Yuma, AZ, USA

0 posted 1999-08-20 03:36 PM


I stood on a franc
yet it was not mine
I was that crooked theif
No better than dirty swine
Chimney sweep was his occupation
This young roaming sage
while I was transforming
I robbed a pauper of his wage
Yet I knew not of my crime
until I awoke from my slumber
Off he ran in tears
As I was lost on fallen lumber
I am now a Mayor and a entrepeneur
That person in Valjean is gone
And riches line my petticoat
To that Lad my wealth to him be undone.
I may have taken on a new identity
and I may be a rich man till I die.
Yet A battle rages in my innermost being
The question is, "Really, who am I?"

© Copyright 1999 jfreak - All Rights Reserved
StarPryncess17
Senior Member
since 2000-05-31
Posts 932
Colorado
1 posted 2000-06-14 05:21 PM


wow J! Love it! It is very interesting! of course the real question is always "who am I" and of course you have to look deep within yourself to find the answer! Keep writing! I love your work!! Love Always ~*~Jessica~*~  

 "Love is the product of our discontentment with ourselves."
"Bleeding hearts release tears of fire"
"work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt,and live everyday as if it's your last"

gothicmoth
Member
since 2000-06-05
Posts 89

2 posted 2000-06-14 06:38 PM


24601
I don't have any criticism for this, constructive or otherwise. Other than I loved it and it's better than Cliff Notes.
And I happen to have that musical in the cd player a lot lately. Great work.

jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
3 posted 2000-06-14 07:00 PM


jfreak--

the first line was pretty interesting, but you start to have problems with your meter in lines 3 and 4, they read very awkwardly to me after the snappy first two lines.  ("thief" is misspelled, btw.)  the meter throughout the piece is all over the place, actually, which i find really disrupts the flow of the piece; it's usually best to establish a regular meter if you're going to rhyme.  and if you're going to rhyme, you shouldn't the rhymes dictate content and force you into awkward syntax, like "Yet I knew not of my crime / until I awoke from my slumber / Off he ran in tears / As I was lost on fallen lumber" or "To that Lad my wealth to him be undone."  

and do you really think the speaker here, a man, would wear a petticoat???

i think you have an interesting idea here (and most times that's more than half the battle, lol), but, if it's going to be a poem in rhyme (which, of course, it doesn't have to be) you might want to consider evening out the flow of the lines, establishing a regular pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables in each.  just my opinion, of course.

jenni

lotharingia
Senior Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 897
saarbruecken, Germany
4 posted 2000-06-15 05:04 AM


Really intriguing idea here. Conscience can hunt some down, but many of those who have done wrong and then become successful, or who build their riches at other's expense I am sure feel no guilt at all. Err. And sorry I couldn't make any useful comments!  

 Lotharingia
"For God's sake, he's a poet. Poets are meant to feel miserable. Otherwise, what the hell are they here for? What are they going to write about?"
Tom Holland


Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » ?

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary