How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Critical Analysis #1 Archive
 The Fight
 1 2 3 4 5
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

The Fight

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Majere
Junior Member
since 08-18-99
Posts 34


0 posted 08-18-99 05:05 PM       View Profile for Majere   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Majere

The darkness pervades,
and gloom dominates.
Starlight can't brighten,
my predicted fate.

The cold sinks in,
and cuts as a knife.
I race throughout the night,
to prolong my life.

My mind gets cloudy,
and the world spins.
Trying to clear my head,
can't let dizziness win.

My muscles ache,
and my bones creak.
I'd cry for help,
if I could only speak.

My thoughts go blank,
my eyes turn white.
I cannot believe,
I'm losing the fight.

Suddenly a strength,
deep from within.
The strength to fight,
a chance to win.

My mind slowly clears,
and my eyes begin to see.
I look for a way,
to tear myself free.

I break and run,
victor of the fight.
As darkness gives way,
to beautiful light.


------------------
Such is the way to immortality ;)
© Copyright 1999 Majere - All Rights Reserved
Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 08-15-99
Posts 1966
Sitting in Michael's Lap


1 posted 08-20-99 08:30 PM       View Profile for Skyfyre   Email Skyfyre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Skyfyre

In the 5th, 7th, and 8th stanzas, the comma at the end of the 3rd line is not necessary.

Otherwise this flows nicely ... the short and choppy lines convey the subject of pursuit well.

------------------
"Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus"
(When I hear the bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.")

JP
Senior Member
since 05-25-99
Posts 1391
Loomis, CA


2 posted 08-20-99 09:04 PM       View Profile for JP   Email JP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JP's Home Page   View IP for JP

Looks to me like Majere is trying to maintain a form, though I could be wrong. Why do you say the commas are not necessary?

------------------
Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
JP


Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 08-15-99
Posts 1966
Sitting in Michael's Lap


3 posted 08-21-99 10:42 AM       View Profile for Skyfyre   Email Skyfyre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Skyfyre

I only meant that the commas were not necessary to reinforce the pause ... but I did miss the fact that he might be trying to maintain a form of comma third line ...

Sheepish grin ... well I can't be right all the time ... good work Majere (and by the way, Raistlin is one of my favs, did you get your name from him?)

------------------
"Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus"
(When I hear the bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.")

pen of passion
Member
since 08-11-99
Posts 240


4 posted 08-24-99 09:52 AM       View Profile for pen of passion   Email pen of passion   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for pen of passion

I don't think the commas are necessary either, but the author could have a reason which escapes me. I liked the poem, but I was unsure of the message: was theme making it through the night?
Anvrill
Senior Member
since 06-21-2002
Posts 718
in the interzone now


5 posted 07-27-2002 10:32 AM       View Profile for Anvrill   Email Anvrill   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Anvrill's Home Page   View IP for Anvrill

The commas are a bit problematic; they make the rhythm a bit halting. But other than that, a very good read. I don't often like strict rhyming poems, so you've done very well.

written in blood before everything went black

JCV

 
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Critical Analysis #1 >> The Fight Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors