A Tear The Sun Lets Fall - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Critical Analysis #1

A Tear The Sun Lets Fall

Missed_fantasy
Junior Member

since 1999-08-16

Posts 16
Mankato, MN, USA

0 posted 1999-08-17 03:04 PM

I am a tear
the Sun lets fall
that we may live
to feel the gall
For the Sun knew
that love we would
So strong it hurt
yet pain is good
Love me again
and feel the tug
That the god Sun
may cry, so smug
Allow me time
to enjoy it
Stop feeding me
all your bullshit
Or I will leave
I swear I will
Crucify you
up on that hill

------------------
Love always and blessed be my children

JP
Senior Member

since 1999-05-25

Posts 1343
Loomis, CA

1 posted 1999-08-17 05:11 PM

Where to begin? I must be kind on this critique becasue I truely like what you have done, this is a potentially powerful piece that could be helped by a reorganization of the lines.

(I am begining to feel like the free verse phrase police).

The work itself is too choppy, the thoughts are too truncated to provide their full potential impact.

I have asked this many times and have yet to be rewarded, but... redo this work. Make the phraseology flow like your thoughts using line breaks and punctuation and repost it. I want to see what you can do after a second look.

Let me add this suggestion: The first line should reflect your title instead of breaking it into two lines.....
------------------
Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
JP

[This message has been edited by JP (edited 08-17-99).]

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.