navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » My Ache For the Blade
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic My Ache For the Blade Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
DreamEvil
Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396


0 posted 1999-08-14 03:19 PM


My first serious attempt at free verse, again feel free to butcher it. Any constructive criticism is welcome.


I cast
longing glances at the blade
awestruck by it's
simple beauty.
Each loving caress
of the constant
unchanging
hardness of the knife
moves my icy soul to a more perfect
marriage with the blade.
My lips touch this loyal and
worthy
partner in what presages
an act of primal
union with this
jealous lover.
A quick, unfeeling motion
grants me her
kiss
an ecstasy of anticipated
delight
brought on
by her gentle touch
that tenderly
sliced into my flesh.
With near sexual release
her kiss
eases my ache
for the blade.


©1999 DreamEvil

------------------
Shall I indulge in flights of fancy hampered by clipped wings?
DreamEvil©




[This message has been edited by DreamEvil (edited 08-14-99).]

© Copyright 1999 DreamEvil - All Rights Reserved
CrAyZeD
Junior Member
since 1999-08-03
Posts 45

1 posted 1999-08-14 11:24 PM


That was sick
I hope you take it as a compliment cuz it would seem that thats what u were goin for.

Colin
Senior Member
since 1999-06-05
Posts 596
Callington, Cornwall, England
2 posted 1999-08-15 03:06 PM


Excellent free verse D.E. written with true feeling, expressing your message well.

A note for CrAyZeD:
just because you do not understand someones words or thoughts, that does not make them sick. Poetry, especially free verse (or freeform) is to a large extent an expression of someones innermost thoughts and the secrets within. This makes poetry a wonderful tool for self exploration, allowing the writer to see secrets they were keeping even from themselves, allowing them to deal with problems they are otherwise unable to rationalise.

And now if you'll all excuse me, I have a piece of self exploration to do myself.

Missed_fantasy
Junior Member
since 1999-08-16
Posts 16
Mankato, MN, USA
3 posted 1999-08-16 02:27 PM


I agree with Eric on both points he made. The stark contrasts between the beautiful language and sensual setting versus the cold reality of a soul so lost they look to death, or more to the point, they look to the means of their death as their savior. Very well done, I commend you.

------------------
Love always and blessed be my children

DreamEvil
Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396

4 posted 1999-08-16 02:28 PM


I see.
JP
Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343
Loomis, CA
5 posted 1999-08-16 04:04 PM


Hey DE, welcome to the world of Critical Analysis. I have to warn you that I have just come off a previous critique which has soured my mood somewhat, so don't get offended.

Actually, I will express most of my hostility to Crazyed. Not only were his comments rude, and ultimately valuless, they were disrespectful and unmindful of the purpose of this forum. Which is to submit poetry for valuable critique, not offhand, crass remarks as to the value of a poems content.

Do us a favor crazyed and keep your insults to yourself or on another web site.

Okay, DE...

Good work overall. The only thing I could really suggest is the rearrangement of some lines and punctuation. The poems thoughts should flow as you think them... line breaks and punctuation guide the reader in the rythym of your thoughts. I will provide an example of your work, reworked for flow (I tried not to change too much language although I had to take out a word or two):

I cast longing glances
at the blade,
Awestruck by it's simple beauty.
Each loving caress
of the constant, unchanging,
hardness of the knife,
moves my icy soul,
to perfect marriage with the blade.
My lips touch this loyal, worthy, partner,
in what presages an act
of primal union with this jealous lover.
A quick, unfeeling, motion,
grants me her kiss.
An ecstasy of anticipated delight,
brought on by gentle touch,
tenderly sliced into my flesh.
With near sexual release,
her kiss eases my ache,
for the blade.


Ultimately, and this is my opinion so y'all are free to disagree, free verse need not be short lines or long lines, even lines, or metered lines. It needs to flow as thought, as does feeling. The flow of the piece helps increase the power of the feeling to be conveyed.

Excellent work on this one DE...

------------------
Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
JP



DreamEvil
Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396

6 posted 1999-08-18 03:57 AM


Thank you all for your input and support. There is a story behind this piece that I may write someday.

JP, comments noted. However, I wrote this as I thought it out. Being a bit rushed, I had not the time to rework it. Overall, your rewriting was very good. Free verse is not my "thing", however it does seem to come in handy at times.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
7 posted 1999-09-02 04:06 PM


I'm so glad I read everyone's comments beforehand; I was going to do exactly what JP did in re-aligning some of your phrases...and I cannot do better than what JP has already put forth.

Interesting reading, and well done.

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
8 posted 1999-09-07 09:00 PM


Well, it looks like somebody has to be the bad guy around here.

First, DreamEvil -- I like the way you've phrased this. I feel the starkness of your approach contributes to the 'empty' feeling your trying to portray.

JP, I also like your reworking; it does increase the flow and it sounds better. I wonder however how it enhances the theme?

Regarding 'crazed''s comments (I'm too lazy to get all those capitals right), I have no idea what everybody is complaining about. This poem can be read as a sexual fetish about a knife and for many people, that is 'sick'. The poem ends with either self-mutilation and/or the last moments of a suicide. This is healthy?

The 'exploration of one's innermost thoughts' is only helpful if it works within a positive resolution, the ability to deal with those feelings. The ending of this poem is positive? There's nothing wrong with a negative poem but as I recall Crazey's (whatever) comments states that 'sick' should be taken as a compliment.

Because that's the way he (and I) see the poem.

JP -- 'submit poems for valuable critique, not offhand crass remarks, as to the value of a poem's content'. The technical and content aspect of a poem and never be separated except at a very abstract (and therefore emotionless) level. What is poetry for you? And please explain what is crass about 'sick' when used as a 'compliment'.

DreamEvil -- "you've probably already guessed what I'm going to say": write a poem about the story behind this poem -- now that, for me, would be true inner exploration. I liked this poem but I do feel that you've completely ignored motivation, setting and, above all, why a reader should even care about this person.

As a final note, as long as people fail to see that style is only one important aspect of a poem and that language is inherently interpretable from many different points of view (all of them valid), you are limiting yourself and others and what they can accomplish in this forum.

Well, does anybody want to debate?

All in good fun,

Brad

Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley
9 posted 1999-09-21 12:59 PM


Shhh...don't mind me... just tiptoeing in to read DE's poem as he asked. Frankly, I do not feel qualified to critique style, format or meter...I do however, feel qualified to say this scares me. A fascination with a 'blade' seems unusual. I know a young girl that 'cuts' herself as a form of expression of her anger! How sad! DE, please, explain this fascination! Thank you!

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » My Ache For the Blade

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary