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Critical Analysis #1
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Saturday Morning
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Saturday Morning |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA 
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I wake to a cold gray morning, after a restless, fitful night. It's early and all others are quiet. I shuffle down my dark hall, pause at the bathroom, flush, then go to the kitchen. The cold of the vinyl floor seeps into my feet bottoms causing my ankles to ache. I start coffee, and grab a glass, 8 ounces of water and 3 dozen pills. I choke down my first meds of the day. Stomach churning, I sit at the table, staring at nothing but what may have been. Coffee's cooked and I pour a cup, sipping the nectar of life I again stare, at nothing but what once was. My son comes down the hall, twisting his blonde hair, rubbing his eyes. He walks past me and says "cartoons", walks to the TV, turns it on, and sits, as I watch him intently. Two years old and he knows what he wants, the kid will be a success some day, I think this proudly as I sadden, knowing I won't be there to see it. I tear my eyes from him, painfully. My daughter makes her way down the hall, thirteen years old and becoming a woman. She is beautiful in face, body, and mind. I look at her and cannot decide, if I want her to slump, or stand up straight. "Morning dad" she says as she walks by,. she sits on the floor by Joshua Without taking his eyes off the tube, he crawls on her back and sits there, both of them watching cartoons. I hear the toilet grumble,. and turn to see my other girl 9 years old, little, blonde, beautiful. she walks past me in a daze, a morning person she is not. She goes to the couch and curls up, pulling on a blanket she's glued to the tube. I watch the three of them. Fresh, fun, beautiful, and smart. I turn away so they can't see the tears. Another cup of coffee, my stomach wailing, hunger pains strike at me violently, but pills are my breakfast for now. I look down the hall, my hall, and see Tami, clothed and bright eyed. Fifteen years of marriage we've had, and I still cannot fathom how, she can love early days so much. I am, have been, and will be, a creature of the night. A quick kiss and a good morning, as I hand her a cup of black gold. I feel the day start to wake up, and I take the moment to reflect. My god, how lucky can one man be? ------------------ Dum spiro, spero JP [This message has been edited by JP (edited 08-13-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 JP Burns - All Rights Reserved | |||
Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
This is a wonderful subject, JP. However, there is one immediate thing that I noticed. You need more punctuation, especially at the begining. This poem offers up a mood of reflection, and to adequatley achieve this, the reader needs a few more moments to contemplate your words before going on to the next thought. Let me show you what I mean. I wake to a cold, gray morning after a restless, fitful night. It's early, and all others are quiet. I shuffle down my dark hall, pause at the bathroom, flush, then go to the kitchen. This way, the reader has time to absorb what you are saying, and doesn't lose the next stanza while their brains absorb the one before. What do you think? ------------------ "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." -Charles Brugnot |
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Angel_of_Music Junior Member
since 1999-07-25
Posts 35Sanger, TX USA |
I'm new here, and don't really know much, but I agree with Saxoness, it flows better. =) ------------------ "In sleep he sang to me...in dreams he came...that voice which calls to me, and speaks my name..." |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
I love it the way it is. Only problem was it was hard to read such a wonderful slice of life and not be touched by it. You have my admiration - for more than just your poetry. |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
I took your advice, after a fashion, and added some punctuation. Your overall thoughts were good, but I put things in where they fit as I was thinking the lines... Let the commas and periods guide the flow as my thoughts did. ------------------ Dum spiro, spero JP |
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Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
Bravissimi! I love it! You should put this out where all can see it. ------------------ "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." -Charles Brugnot |
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Pretender New Member
since 1999-08-13
Posts 9Roseville, CA 95661 |
Your words paint a picture of bliss. They make all the bad seem like a challenge to be overcome. You also show what is really important and what matters. |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Of course Pretender. Poetry, after all, is poetry, it may or may not reflect reality, but poetry that does is the poetry that sustains life. I know who and what I am, I dream of what I may become, but handing that cup of black gold to Tami is what will keep me and lead me forever.... ------------------ Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
JP.....I couldda written the same thoughts a few years back....I've thought the same ones before...never put 'em down though...and couldn't have done so as eloquently as you....as far as being a critic?....Yea right, you've read my garbage.....LOL |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Just thought this was a great poem. Want other people to read it. Thanks, Brad |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
well I hadn't seen it, so thank the author first and the ones who brought it back up to the top so I could see it second. this is good, guess I read after the changes, but I loved it, Poems like this, a slice of life, painted with words for us to see are a treasure, they are what makes poetry! |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
This is a well written piece of poetry. It takes a subject that everyone knows, getting up in the morning and the awakening household, and puts it infront of us causing us, the reader, to see it in a new light. This stanza:Stomach churning, I sit at the table, staring at nothing but what may have been. Coffee's cooked and I pour a cup, sipping the nectar of life I again stare, at nothing but what once was. really struck a cord with me for some reason more than any other. I like the way you bring things down to a personal level that anyone reading it can relate to. We've all been there, had days like this in one way or another. We've all glimpsed simple things in such a profound way that we had no choice but to sit down and thank our lucky stars. |
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misterpoet Junior Member
since 1999-10-26
Posts 18 |
never thought a slice of life could be expressed so eloquently thanks for sharing |
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