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PartiStarks
Junior Member
since 1999-07-31
Posts 38
Brooklyn, NY

0 posted 1999-08-09 05:54 PM


I've traveled this route B4 and it was lonely and dark

Once sin moistened my lips, deceit flowed through both canals and pain through my vains, I was independently standing in obscurity

Now, I'm abandoned in a foreign place which isn't so foreign, because I've walked this path B4

I've traveled through the shadow of darkness and overcame it. I fought evil with an iron sword and was victorious

Just to...........

Relinquish my crown, for the second time and again surrender to the dimness of the night

I stand in solitary with poison as my confidant

Haunted by my past, which is now my present, I blame myself for my future, I am the one who chose this course, I am the one who embraced this toxin and invited it to walk with me hand in hand down the aisle of blackness

Holding everyone else inculpable, I will grieve in isolation, being fully responsible for the route that I've taken B4

(This is one of the first freeverse poems that I have written, so please let me know what you think I am trying to express and how you like it. I am also open for suggestions)

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[This message has been edited by PartiStarks (edited 08-10-99).]

[This message has been edited by PartiStarks (edited 08-10-99).]

© Copyright 1999 PartiStarks - All Rights Reserved
JP
Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343
Loomis, CA
1 posted 1999-08-10 11:38 AM


Interesting, sounds like drug addiction....

I liked the flow and feel, would like to see the long paragraphs broken at the punctuation - more of a poetic style I guess - for me it makes it easier to feel the flow and feeling.

------------------
Dum spiro, spero
JP



PartiStarks
Junior Member
since 1999-07-31
Posts 38
Brooklyn, NY
2 posted 1999-08-11 12:53 PM


JP, thanks for the suggestion.
roxy8365
Junior Member
since 1999-07-07
Posts 27
e.falmouth MA usa
3 posted 1999-08-12 01:04 PM


wow! I like this poem a lot! It kinda describes most of the situations I have been through in the past. I thought it was very good, especially for your first free verse. You should definetaly keep writing!Just out of curiosity, is this poem written about a situation in your life?

P.S. I'm 15, but I wrote the poem a couple years ago(my so-ccalled best friends)

PartiStarks
Junior Member
since 1999-07-31
Posts 38
Brooklyn, NY
4 posted 1999-08-12 02:05 PM


No, I have never experienced this. This poem is about an individual who has abused drugs and alcohol, for the second time and as result, he/she is left lonely.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

PartiStarks
Junior Member
since 1999-07-31
Posts 38
Brooklyn, NY
5 posted 1999-08-17 12:57 PM


I would like to repost this for more comments.
JP
Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343
Loomis, CA
6 posted 1999-08-17 05:34 PM


Are you opposed to a rework of this? If you want to repost... go back and see what you've done and see if you can improve it. A good piece, but one with potential to be so much more powerful.

------------------
Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
JP



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