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Critical Analysis #1
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Right or Wrong....My Country
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Right or Wrong....My Country |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
America the Beautiful, yes it's true, I've seen charity here, that's matched by so few. Kid's turned away? No medical care? The care is available, it's every where. America the Beautiful, you got that right! You have the freedom to object, it's one of our rights. I fought for those rights, that I dearly love And if you hate this fine country...leave..we'll give ya a shove. Till you've found better, enjoy what you have, I'll tell ya my friends, it's not all that bad. Sure we have problems, on a miniscule scale, Compared to the others, were the best without fail. No country's perfect, including ours, And yes we're considered, "The" super power. To feed and help - All those in need, To promote democracy, or at least plant the seed. So if your thoughts for this country, are hatred indeed, Search the world over, but before you leave; See what the others, do for their own, Then I think you'll discover, "There's no place like home." |
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| © Copyright 1999 Toerag - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
I hate to be the first on to comment on this piece... Let me start by saying that I disagree with Nan's posits that freeverse is hard to critique because there is no structure (rhyme, meter, etc.) to analyze. There is a life to freeverse that is apparent when well done, and painfully apparent when not... so on with it... I don't want to be too harsh because the message is clear and I have not argument there, but the work as a whole was choppy, no fluidity, no life. This can be a wonderful work because it is obviously heartfelt, just massage it a bit and get some flow... ------------------ Dum spiro, spero JP |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
Thanks for the honesty JP....I'm truly not a poet.....really don't try very hard at it either.....I usually just like to be a clown...humor is really my "bag"....and I'm not always great at it either...this is the first thing I've posted here...usually just post on the open forum board....again....thanks...I have written some serious stuff....in fact, this one I posted on another web site replying to someone that was slamming the U.S. on Memorial day......LOL |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Slamming the US on memorial day eh? Biting the hand that feeds you is one thing, but laughing at the person's stump afterwards.... Well, I guess that's what we've fought for isn't it? ------------------ Dum spiro, spero JP |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hello Toe...to comment on your fine work, as I really like your thoughts, I have to agree with JP that you need to have it written in a bit more fluid matter. Why don't you edit it by taking some of the commas out? When you put in commas, that indicates a "break" in your thought, where I think you'd rather have it run along without a break. Give it a try and we'll check your edit. Bet you won't lose! Thanks for letting me say my say. ------------------ © KRJ Sunshine Words will always express our feelings true. ~~~ KRJ Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
Honestly, I'm not making excuses.....LOL....when I wrote this originally...I was so pissed off at someone I didn't spend alot of time on it....the only reason I posted it here was because it was the only nearly serious thing I've written......I am learning so much about poetry on these boards....and, will post some of the stuff I think is at least decent....(of course, when I think....it's usually disastrous)...thanks for all the comments gang....this is how we all learn....right? |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
hey, Toe! To put something in the Critical Analysis section for comments when you know it is something you were lazy on, didn't work very hard at, and you know it's sloppy and not very good is like Roseanne entering the Miss America pageant and, after having lost, says "well, I am a little fat and sloppy". Give us something you've worked on and are happy with. We await with dull blades. You've got a mind like a steel trap and cleverness I've seldom seen equaled. Throw a little bit of dedication into something and let's see what you can do. I have little doubt it will knock our socks off. (Maybe Long John, Lorelei and Suthern can give ya a few pointers....ouch!) |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Yo - JP..... I only meant that it's hard for ME..MOI... because I'm such a proponent of structure - I wasn't speaking for anyone else.... I admit my shortcomings ....... What can I say... I still enjoy it - I just find it difficult to critique....is all..  |
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