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You Have a Choice.
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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You Have a Choice. |
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Crystal Member
since 1999-07-24
Posts 62Hazel Park Mi U.S.A. |
I have already posted this in the open forum but I did not get the type of responses I wanted. Anyone who can tell me how to improve on this, or tell me what's wrong, please feel free. Every night we sit and fight I wonder when it will end, To say I want to be touched by you, I only can pretend. The harsh words you say to me fill me up with rage, I sit here and wonder everyday, when I'll leave this cage. You go to work everyday that's when I get relief, I stay home with the baby, to get a break from all the grief. The only thing we have in common is the child we share, To take him from his home and father, I don't think I'd dare. But is it right to stay and fight and put him through this strife, Knowing it can scar him emotionally, for the rest of his life? It Isn't fare, It's not his fault, Why should he have to suffer? Can we come to an agreement, let me make you an offer. No more drugs, no more booze, can you agree to this, No more lies, no more betrayel, that's the end of my list. These few problems I feel can be solved, And if they can not, we won't be involved. Will it be the drugs you choose, or will it be the booze, I hope not, for your son's sake, Because the both of us, you will surely lose. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Crystal - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania |
I like this poem. It is really emotional and kind of reminds me of the situation my mom was in with my dad. |
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Crystal Member
since 1999-07-24
Posts 62Hazel Park Mi U.S.A. |
Thank you Angel. Nevermind I guess I won't get critical Analysis. |
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CrAyZeD Junior Member
since 1999-08-03
Posts 45 |
the reason your not getting other opinion on what could make your poem better is because your a better poet then most of us here. i think the poem is perfect as it is. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
OK, Crystal, let's go for it. Obviously, you are sincere about wanting true analysis, so I'll give you my feelings on this poem. (1) (3rd and 4th lines) "To say I want to be touched by you....I can only pretend". I have no idea what this means. You can only pretend to say? I don't know what you are pretending. (2)"Can we come to an agreement" needs a question mark following, as does "can you agree to this". "fare" and "betrayel" are misspellings. (3) The biggest problem, by far, is the choppiness brought on by incorrect line lengths. Syllable counts need to be similar, or close, in rhyming lines. Accents need to be in the same places to make the poem flow. Your first stanza is a good example. The syllable counts for the four lines are 7-7-9-6. This does not promote smoothness. The reader will mentally be rushing through the 3rd line and dragging out the fourth to keep a rhythm. Second stanza= 7-5-9-5. The 2nd and 4th lines of this stanza are perfect in every way.The first and third do not go well together and the result is choppiness. Go through the rest of the stanzas and check out the counts. Look at my version and compare it to yours. Figure out why I made the changes I did. Writing good rhyming poetry is not an easy thing. It takes work. You have the ability and you have emotion. Just work on the structure....and I wish you the best. Every night we sit and fight. Oh, when will it all end? I act as though I want your touch But it is all pretend. The harsh words that you say to me Fill me up with rage. I sit and wonder every day When I'll leave this cage. You go off to work every day. That's when I get relief. I stay home with our precious son; A break from all the grief. The only common thread we have Is this child we both share. To take him from his father's love, I do not think I'd dare. But is it right to stay and fight And put him through this strife, To know the damage it can cause Him in his future life? It isn't fair. It's not his fault. Why should he have to suffer? Let's come to an agreement now. I'll make a simple offer. No more drugs and no more booze - Can you agree to this? No more lies - betray me not And that will end my list. These few problems that we have I feel can be solved, And, if they can't, or you don't try We will not be involved. Will it be the drugs you choose, Or will it be the booze? I hope not, for your son's sake Because both of us you'll lose. I hope I've helped. |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Ditto to everything Balladeer said and let me give you a friendly word - in your poetry as in life, and especially while posting here: Have patience and keep a good heart. ------------------ Dum spiro, spero JP |
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M. Rivera Junior Member
since 1999-07-22
Posts 13San Francisco |
Okay. Here we go. I agree with the corrections you've received so far. But, this is a time for you to look over your mistakes, and see what mistakes repeat. One thing I noticed is almost every question you ask does not have a question mark. So the main problem your having is puctuation. Over all, to answer some of your questions that the person you would like to answer them, will not do that-I would like to answer them since I've been in the same situation. No, you should not put your son through this strife, and men like that will not compromise with you. Your son will not miss his dad's love if you move away from him, as long as his dad stay's in his life. Girl, move out! Your son surely will be permanately damaged. You can e-mail me one on one if you'd like. Get back to me. |
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