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JP
Senior Member

since 1999-05-25

Posts 1343
Loomis, CA

0 posted 1999-08-02 04:27 PM

Would that I could,
be the man you think me to be.
He of pathos and logos
he of eternal vision
and fathomless depth.

Would that I could,
expose the inner soul.
Caged in this granite effigy
with little fear
of being touched deeply.

Would that I could,
block my spewing insecurity.
Its constant pollution
poisoning the world
with vunerable distrust.

Would that I could,
expose this wretched heart
to the wonder that is you
and learn to love myself
as you have loved me.

Fronti nulla fides
JP

[This message has been edited by JP (edited 08-13-99).]

Tim
Senior Member

since 1999-06-08

Posts 1794

1 posted 1999-08-02 05:58 PM

I am not qualified to critique anything... but I am somewhat confused....
logo... it just seems so out of place to me.... computer language... corporate symbol..?
just for my edification.... what are you trying to say with that word?

JP
Senior Member

since 1999-05-25

Posts 1343
Loomis, CA

2 posted 1999-08-02 06:57 PM

Logos, with an s

Latin word, meaning logic (roughly), thought, mental process... etc.

Basics of Logic and critical thinking really.

Tim
Senior Member

since 1999-06-08

Posts 1794

3 posted 1999-08-02 07:56 PM

Thanks for clearing it up.. makes sense now...

Lil-bit
Junior Member

since 1999-08-03

Posts 29
Tallahassee, Florida

4 posted 1999-08-07 10:29 AM

I am new at this website (JP noticed the first day with his post to me - ambiguous).

I was under the impression that "Logos" was a Greek word meaning "written word". I learned this from studying the New Testament of the Bible and referring back to the original Greek language.

Loved it JP!! I'd like to take a walk through your mind - its fascinating.

JP
Senior Member

since 1999-05-25

Posts 1343
Loomis, CA

5 posted 1999-08-08 01:21 PM

My mistake, Greek it is.

Basic elements of rhetoric, and logic: Logos, Pathos, Ethos.

Ethos: Credibility
Pathos: Emotion
Logos: Logic/Rational proof

No wonder I got a C in my Critical Thinking class.....

------------------
Dum spiro, spero
JP

Saxoness

Senior Member

since 1999-07-18

Posts 1102
Texas

6 posted 1999-08-12 07:02 PM

Ok, I had no problem with the Greek. Too much punctuation! you are cutting off your thoughts prematurely! Sometimes, less is more. let me show you.....

Would that I could be,
The man you'de like to see...
He of pathos and logos,
of eternal vision
and fathomless depth.

I changed a few words...too many "be's" at the beggining. What do you think?

------------------
"Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone
I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me."

-Charles Brugnot

[This message has been edited by Saxoness (edited 08-12-99).]

JP
Senior Member

since 1999-05-25

Posts 1343
Loomis, CA

7 posted 1999-08-13 12:33 PM

Okay, I slept on your suggestions Saxoness and while I understand what you are saying, I think the changes you suggest would change the whole meaning of the work.

"Would that I could" is a colloquialism, which basically means - if I could do something I would. The use of that phrase, as is, for the begining of each verse is the crux of the entire piece.

I did rework the punctuation a bit though.

------------------
Dum spiro, spero
JP

[This message has been edited by JP (edited 08-13-99).]

Saxoness

Senior Member

since 1999-07-18

Posts 1102
Texas

8 posted 1999-08-13 05:59 PM

Ah! I see, forgive me for not noticing. Then put "be" back on the second line, like this

would that I could,
be the man you'de like to see...
He of pathos and logos,
of eternal vision
and fathomless depth.

That way...you get the best of both worlds, no?

What do you think?
By the way......your changes have helped immensly! :-) very nice.
------------------
"Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone
I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me."

-Charles Brugnot

[This message has been edited by Saxoness (edited 08-13-99).]

Pretender
New Member

since 1999-08-13

Posts 9
Roseville, CA 95661

9 posted 1999-08-13 11:46 PM

I am not good at critiquing poems or the written word for that matter but all I get from this is the three musketeers and a b movie.

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