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Critical Analysis #1
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I Dread The Though Of Being Alone
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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I Dread The Though Of Being Alone |
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PartiStarks Junior Member
since 1999-07-31
Posts 38Brooklyn, NY |
An internal emptiness blackens my heart For external loneliness is where the complexity starts Fears of eternal seclusion shares a large part of why I Dread The Thought Of Being Alone No ear to listen nor shoulder to cry An overwhelming feeling that hurts deep down inside No one to respond to my question,"Why?" I Dread The Thought Of Being Alone No funny face smiling upon my arrival at home No tender embrace or any love being shown It's like walking into darkness or into the unknown I Dread The Thought Of Being Alone (I am a new writer and I am open for suggestions) ------------------ [This message has been edited by PartiStarks (edited 08-04-99).] [This message has been edited by PartiStarks (edited 08-04-99).] |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
I’ve a couple of suggestions to make, first is carry on writing there is a power in your words that will stand you in good stead when you find your poetry feet, poets would kill for that fire. What I have written below is only MY view and not necessarily a correct view, I can only tell you what I think, whether what I think is worth listening to that’s up to you. Whether you choose to ignore it or not I welcome you to our group and hope continue to write and post poetry here. On to the poem, I think you’ve tried to put too much into this one, poems good ones at least let the reader fill in at least some of the detail, and readers here will do that very nicely. What you have to do is make it easy for them to do, generally that means make sure you get the right rhythm running through the piece, the easiest way I can explain this is to use your poem as a basis to show you how I would do it ( this won’t be perfect but will give you some idea ) An internal emptiness blackens my heart For loneliness is where complexity starts Fears of eternal seclusion shares a large part Of the emptiness inside my broken heart And I Dread The Thought Of Being Alone No shoulder to cry on or stand by my side No ear to listen to thoughts deep down inside No one to respond to my questions like, Why? No lover to care if I lived or I die And I Dread The Thought Of Being Alone No funny face smiling when I arrive home No tender embrace or any love being shown It's like walking in darkness or into the unknown With no-one beside your just left on your own And I Dread The Thought Of Being Alone Count the syllables in the lines, you should find they’re the same ( fingers crossed ) or at least close enough not to matter, this makes the poem flow from line to line ( apart from where you used the clever trick of adding the odd line which works well to emphasize the stanza’s ). Overall this was a powerful piece that could easily be made into a poem any poet would be proud of, keep going it will come. |
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Daniel2 Junior Member
since 1999-07-13
Posts 28Waterloo, Ontario, Canada |
Partistarks! You're in the game! I agree with Craig above that you have a power in your words. Keep clicking away. I agree with Craig when he says "poems good ones at least let the reader fill in at least some of the detail". Don't state the obvious, use ambiguity and let the readers fill in from their own experience of love and despair. Keep on! |
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PartiStarks Junior Member
since 1999-07-31
Posts 38Brooklyn, NY |
Thank you both. |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
MY advice: (my god, for how little it is worth!) Craig and Daniel have made good points, sometimes less is more. While Craig's version flowed better, it was still a bit wordy. - this is strictly my opinion here - If you want the reader to know exactly how you feel or think - write an essay. If you want to convey a feeling or thought, but leave it open to the universe of free thought for ultimate meaning.... write a poem. take out some pronouns, prepostions, leave the work less identifiable as "this is what I feel" and more open to "this is a feeling". ciao love, ------------------ Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP |
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