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wayoutwalt
Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870
TEXAS (it's all big)

0 posted 1999-07-20 02:39 AM


These three poems are dedicated to mom but i'm just not happy with them i'd like help please

Part 1

It was early morning a young boy arose
Grabbed his money and slipped on his clothes
The same he wore when he stole in that night
To find his mother was still to be all right

On his face he wore a hateful little smirk
She had been sick for a month dodging their work
A sore on her foot that never was heeling
She said it would kill her he still was unfeeling

Selfish little boy to think of her that way
Would he regret it for the rest of his days?
He had always loved his mother to be sure
But for these last seconds a lifetime to cure

It was dark in the hall he tiptoed descending
Life as he knew it soon to be ending
Frozen in time with wishes to rewind
If only he had the presence of mind

And still one last chance for regret
As still another second he had yet
He threw on the lights a bastard uncaring
To find his mother lying there staring

On that night the world was left spinning
The stars all black the devil was grinning
But God was there ever forgiving
His head to her heart still she was living

The ambulance came and took her away
He followed so close as he could belay
But the only security that was to be found
That annoying siren was still making sound

In the emergency room for hours he waited
His prayers did flow though a bit belated
No one would speak or tell him the worst
They all looked on him as if he was cursed

He knew He knew he had to have known
The rest of his life he would wander alone
He cried with no shoulder he always had thought
Would be there forever if he got this distraught

The chaplain calmed him but offered no lie
He told the boy soon his mother would die
They sat and they prayed and there’s nothing belated
So into the night those two brothers waited

The term the doctor used “Son will you pull the plug?”
A term most used as a sobering drug
A little boy with a decision to make
Never thinking later a murderer would make

And on February 11th 1997
My dearest mother was greeted in heaven
And with poems such as this one that I lay down
My momma I love her she’ll always be around


Part 2

The little boy with weary eyes never wanting more
Then to be left in his room with a lock on his door
Though a lack of ambition always prevented
His grandma loved him and his grandpa resented

Everyday he would lay watching Bogie and Bacall
And he would watch the Big Sleep into which he would fall
And cats seven of them decorated his room
Just waiting to be found for a need to exhume

A two story house with those long halls never ending
Each led to darkened rooms where sadness was spending
Shared memories of one who departed so dear
Saddled with emotion of loss anger and fear.

Tension arose between the grandfather and son
There was an estate to be cleaned and jobs to be done
The boy always stayed tired but so wanted to rise
But everywhere he looked he saw his momma’s eyes

He could see his mother in his nighttime vision
Dreaming of that day he made that decision
His mother would awake from that dreadful coma
He would wake with a start and grab for a soma

Except for the seven cats the room was empty
And he knew then at once where his mother would be
One black cat for each white cat lived life in his room
And that added some mixture of gray and of gloom

Then one day all so fast his grandfather was through
He was tired of this boy having nothing to do
He crept in with a gun kept under his pillow
The big man moved quietly appearing a willow

The boy awoke amidst the middle of a dream
He did not faint or beg or offer a scream
A silent understanding they had come to share
And the very next day the boy was not there

He roamed all the streets walking into each store
Sun hurting his eyes, birds singing hurt more
He missed his cats and his grandmother’s love
Grandfather was back there with threatening glove

A job was in hand he returned triumphantly
Both of his grandparents were so happy to see
He bought a computer and plugged in the cord
It was a fateful thing God helped him afford

His prayers for so long had been just to be kissed
Would might then that it be his mother not missed?
He met many women on that computer that day
More in his room little by little he did stay

Then one day the boy not wanting more grew bold
He asked out a girl without asking how old
He only cared to see what she would look like
A nose ring a tattoo and hair in a spike

He would not be derailed his ambition returned
After prayer and more dates he started to learn
The best company found his cats lying around
But then one day a fair was coming to town

An online attraction he asked her to go
And waited those seconds one waits to hear no
But she said yes and as the date of the fair came
He remembered to ask so she told him her name

The days he waited he was at peace with the world
Something was telling him that this was the girl
Might be that his momma was telling him yes
This is the one that years of prayer have blessed

A knock on the door there had need not be two
Yes as he waited a cat puked on his shoe
He ran down the hall he was lost in the moment
Oh too be young in such a blissful descent

A fateful day as the one that had gone past
He ran with such glee not knowing it would last
He threw on the lights and this time with more care
The door opened slowly his future was there


Part 3

What stood in front of the boy he had seen there before
All neatly wrapped up in a convenient metaphor
The hinges from which he’d always swung safely upon
The door crept slowly open revealing she was gone

There instead stood a lady whose eyes he thought explained
How beauty would find a place where horror always reigned
A tinge of disappointment he couldn’t keep in check
His smiling ear to ear from the head upon his neck

She greeted him with warmth and he followed close behind
Soon he would not look back there was a future left to find
She drove him away; he had no car, where had he gone
The door to the house where the hinges he swung upon?

The county fair was there they rode the Ferris wheel
And all this time he had the chance a kiss that he could steal
But the boy was just that and what would take to make a man
A silent prayer went up “Dear Lord this lady can?”

The feeling told in many tongues simple to understand
That someone else in the world would want to hold his hand
She took hold so gently as to initiate his soul
A little reminder that soon she would make him whole

After parting ways he searched for stars that never moved
Which one was his mother smiling down that she approved
He thought she might have her hand on the shoulder of his love
To protect this one from her vantage point above

The night was dark and the devil was not liking this
He had used all his schemes but the boy had gone amiss
Love was a bond the boy would never need forget
A star was born that God had hued the color of her wit

In his bedroom these last nights he would ever lay alone
Thinking on his mother whose star now brightly shone
It might be a ball of gas or an angel’s scattered toy
But that star would ever shine just for that little boy

Years would pass as the man lay beside his wife
For hours they would cry recalling his mothers life
With child in her belly and laughter at their feet
They would smile together sadly their tears tasting sweet


© Copyright 1999 Walt Burns - All Rights Reserved
Red Letter
Member
since 1999-05-24
Posts 85
Allentown, PA
1 posted 1999-07-21 10:06 PM


I know you posted this for critique but the experiences held within it are so personal, I just wouldn't feel right about it...

I think that good writing needs to be honest first and foremost and this poem displays beautiful truth within it's lines.

So, that said, all I can say is nicely done...

Red

Artur Hawkwing
Member
since 1999-06-30
Posts 444
USA
2 posted 1999-07-21 10:51 PM


Remember that you are your own worst critic. Everything you've written is flawless in my eyes.

Leave that a mark of appreciation. I'm sure your mom would be proud of how honest you had written the poem. She'd probably see it the same way I do, flawless.

So my suggestion: DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

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