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Faded Blue Jeans And Raspberry Iced Tea
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Faded Blue Jeans And Raspberry Iced Tea |
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Alain DeLaCendres Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 119Ohio |
*note: please be so kind as to rip this apart. All I keep getting are positive comments on this (not that those are bad) but I need some critical analysis, cause I'm not quite happy with it..I like it, but I think it could be better..please? "Faded Blue Jeans And Raspberry Iced Tea" It was a small one stop gas station, one of those ones that you spend two minutes in then never return to. The warm sidewalk has been making my shoes a little too warm for comfort, and I was thirsty. About two dollars in change, mostly quarters, teased my finger tips in my front pockets. My legs aches a little more than a little from my fifteen minutes of aimless rambling. My friend had left me in this distant city to occupy myself while he took care of his “business” that he knew I didn’t agree with. So, the gas station seemed to be my only redemption. The glass doors slid glided smoothly open, with a quiet “swoosh” from the rubber strips coming apart, to reveal a beautiful girl behind the counter who seemed to be about my age. She secretly watched me walk to the cooler and select a cold bottle of raspberry iced tea. I turned to approach the check out while my fingers worked the quarters into my palm. I looked up, and our eyes met. Her beautiful soft blue eyes, the color of faded blue jeans, held more in them than I had been ready for. In them I saw the burdens left of her by all of her thankless lovers and the millions of disappointments they had brought. Her faded eyes also hid the secret of so much knowledge, beauty, and wisdom just below the void of her pupils. All this passed my mind in less than a second. I couldn’t help but wonder what she had seen in my tired eyes. My raspberry iced tea was bought in silence. Our eyes were still locked together and our thoughts were still one. Her delicate hand slowly placed my change into my waiting palm, and we both felt the spark when our hands touched. “It really brings me down,” I thought as the doors swooshed close behind me, “that I’ll never see this city, or her ever again because it’s time to go home now.” ------------------ Tout s'en va, tout passe, l'eau coule, et le couer oublie. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Alain DeLaCendres - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Daniel2 Junior Member
since 1999-07-13
Posts 28Waterloo, Ontario, Canada |
My legs aches a little more than a little from my fifteen minutes of aimless rambling. My friend had left me in this distant city to occupy myself while he took care of his “business” that he knew I didn’t agree with. So, the gas station seemed to be my only redemption. The writing is generally strong but I find the above section weak: aimless rambling - takes the mind in an unprofitable direction for the point of the story business - adds an unnecessary mystery, again pulling the reader away from the track. Is this a drug deal? Spell it out and the mind won't wander. redemption - too strong a word at this point enuff nitpicking How about adding a parallel account from the girl's perspective. I once read a powerful short story by DH Lawrence about a blind man who thot he had made a profound contact with a woman but she was actually repulsed by him. Good luck with it. |
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Red Letter Member
since 1999-05-24
Posts 85Allentown, PA |
I noticed right from the beginning that you keep switching from present to past tense. This, in itself, seems a bit sloppy... I agree with Daniel that the whole business you don't agree with thing is pointless to mention. It doesn't add anything to your story (except maybe the moral standing of the main character? who cares? why's he friends with the guy anyway then? who cares? see? distracting...) This segment: "...to reveal a beautiful girl behind the counter who seemed to be about my age. She secretly watched me walk to the cooler and select a cold bottle of raspberry iced tea." Ughhh yuck (Sorry, I'm being harsh but you asked for it...) - why was she beautiful? what made her beautiful? how did you know she was watching you if you say she did it in "secret"? What kind of raspberry iced tea? Was it dripping with sweat? Did it make an awkward clanging noise as you pulled it from the cooler? Do you see what I'm getting at?? Details, details, details is what makes the story more realistic - you want your reader to be able to BE THERE, watching the action, understanding the heat, the thirst, the desire, the feeling of the one-that-got-away... Okay, I'm done ripping it to shreds... hehehe Sorry - I just think this can be a whole lot more original. This could have been written by anyone. Make sure it's something that could have only been written by YOU. Thanks for listening... just a couple of thoughts.... Red |
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Alain DeLaCendres Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 119Ohio |
Wow. I am impressed. You two came up with things that I hadn't even thought of (the clanging bottles, bottle sweating..). As for the tense thing, I'm having trouble with that one. I keep changing it and then I find another place that it's wrong..etc... I will take these suggestions into serious consideration when I sit down to re-write this. Thank you alot. Any other suggestions anyone?? P.S. I was asked to write "a second part" to this by several people, and I did. Interested? ------------------ Tout s'en va, tout passe, l'eau coule, et le couer oublie. |
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Red Letter Member
since 1999-05-24
Posts 85Allentown, PA |
Glad we got yer brain going a bit... and that you didn't take it as a personal affront in any way - just trying to help  BTW, one - okay TWO - more things (can you stand it?) You say in the story that you have two dollars worth of change (that's a lot of change) - you bought an iced tea (what's that? 79 cents? a buck at most?) - why is she giving you change back? Jeez, didn't you have enough to give her the exact amount? If not, why mention that you have two dollars worth of change in the first place? One other thing - the ending statement - "It really brings me down" -- 'it brings you down'?!! You just left behind what could have been your SOUL MATE - the most beautiful creature that had novels written in her pupils - that spoke to you ballads unsung, sonnets unwritten, and you're - what? huh??? - BUMMED OUT?! Comeon, my friend, I know you could do better then that - is that what you would really be thinking???? |
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Alain DeLaCendres Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 119Ohio |
Can I stand it? I loving this. Really loving it actaully. Ok, here goes... The change. The poem says "about two dollars in change, mostly quarters..". Well, you're close the the estimation. An iced tea cost 69 cents around here, so I was thinking, well he gave her three quarters, got a few pennies back(gotta figure tax in there smewhere)..but I see what you mean. Maybe I should just say that all the change was quarters, not just "mostly quarters"? Would that eliminate this inconsistancy? Hhhhmm..these are the best suggestions I've gotten so far.. And as for the ending...well...I have no excuse. You're right. Now that I think about it, I would be beatig myself silly for passing up that girl, but I used a friend as a reason why he had to leave..maybe I should scrap that..find something else..Hhhhhhmmm..wow. I'm impressed. Thanks Red Letter. If anymore hit you, hit me with them please. Thank you. ------------------ Tout s'en va, tout passe, l'eau coule, et le couer oublie. |
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Red Letter Member
since 1999-05-24
Posts 85Allentown, PA |
Alain, Check your email Red |
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redwriter1 Member
since 1999-07-22
Posts 480Franklin, TN |
ok.. I think the story is.. ok the nit picking about the change is kinda.. well.. forget about that.. but you introduced that a friend had dropped you off in the middle of nowhere. seems pretty vague.. Make up something a little more simple. this sounds like a coca cola commercial (no slight intended) like.. ran out of gas on a dusty road to nowhere or something.. ps.. there is a town called "nowhere Arizona" look it up.. be a great add i think.. hope that helps.. nice adjectives there..! ummm maybe say something more about the heat of the day and how the "iced" raspberry tea gave a chill up your spine when you picked it up.. (or you think it was the tea... (grin) see?? |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Well now, this peice got my mind going. Read through it, went along my merry way, came back read the comments by the others, then re-read the peice, and again. The friend who had "business" that you didn't agree with? Keep it, it sets the stage for the reason for being where the character is... the change? keep it. If you gave her anything other than exact change you would get something back, and if you did give her exact change, say so. Red Letter's comments about the bottles... great ideas, put us in the moment with those descriptives. Something no one else mentioned but for some strange reason just stood out in my mind (kinda like the first time you trip and bite your tongue and taste that electric spit in your mouth... anyway..) The doors, they slid smoothly open, but you mention rubber strips coming apart... the whole scene of the one stop gas station in a (assuming) desolate place, makes me think of an older, perhaps rundown store - in which case automatice doors would be out of place. If the store is a new one, set that scene from the begining and don't contradict the smooth operation of modern doors with the insinuation of poor repair of the rubber strips. Well now, this was my first critique of something other than a poem in ages. Amazing what a little depth of thought can do to a soul... I think I'll go dance a jig now (or mow the lawn, ugh!) ------------------ Dum spiro, spero JP |
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