First A Step - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Michael G
Senior Member

since 2000-06-25

Posts 579
Nashville

0 posted 2021-02-02 04:00 AM

I'll wish you in my dreams to fall gently in the wind, drift over your pain in waves. Ordinary you have known but it was never you. laughter marks your skin as medals from a war waged against you all these years. Tirelessly you emerge from the cliff taking a nervous gentle step, crying out I am free as joy becomes an overwhelming principal. What direction forth is your own now, too much the prey once before you are burdened by a past you need to forget a future to not worry for, living for the moment that is now. The first sight of you, remembrances of your eyes, the suddenness of your touch. I've wanted the kiss for years again. Let you sorrow go allowing me to be your pillar, as the winds take you to a journey you only will decide, your love guiding you amongst the stars.

Michael

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-13

Posts 7666
California

1 posted 2021-02-05 09:18 PM

Hello Michael,

It's rare I offer any type of critique on this board.  I usually just try to access an author's vantage point on their works and share what I appreciate on them.  I had some trouble doing that with this piece, simply because trying to read it in the form it was presented, I struggled to maintain focus.  There was nothing definitive and no points you were making clearly stood out for me. I think the paragraph form in which it is presented truly detracts from the piece on the whole in this manner.

This was my third attempt at reading it and I decided I would break it down line by line simply so I could absorb it better...and I am glad I did.

Your message is absolutely beautiful.  Stunningly so.

I am going to show it to you as I broke it down...and by no means am saying you must present your works this way, only saying that I was able to grasp the message as you intended it much more clearly in this form.  I hope my words here do not offend you in any manner.  I truly loved this.

Sincerely,

Michael

First A Step

I'll wish you in my dreams
to fall gently in the wind,
drift over your pain in waves.

Ordinary you have known
but it was never you.
laughter marks your skin
as medals from a war
waged against you all these years.

Tirelessly you emerge from the cliff
taking a nervous gentle step,
crying out I am free
as joy becomes an overwhelming principal.

What direction forth is your own now,
too much the prey once before
you are burdened by a past
you need to forget
a future to not worry for,
living for the moment that is now.

The first sight of you,
remembrances of your eyes,
the suddenness of your touch.
I've wanted the kiss for years again.

Let you sorrow go
allowing me to be your pillar,
as the winds take you
to a journey you only will decide,
your love guiding you amongst the stars.

[This message has been edited by Michael (02-05-2021 11:06 PM).]

Temptress

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-06-15

Posts 7136
Mobile, AL

2 posted 2021-02-16 11:18 PM

My thoughts come out in this form sometimes. I see something of myself and situations I've been in in what you describe.

"I know this love will tear me to pieces
I know his hands will dig up my secrets"

Meg Myers

augustsky
Senior Member
Posts 828
midwest US

3 posted 2021-02-17 12:17 PM

MichaelG, The Beautiful caring shows here.

lovely..

Sky~

~Tell me the story about how the sun
loved the moon so much..he died every
night to let her breathe~

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.