Member Rara Avis
To me, your best written, and most wonderfully introspective piece . . . EVER!
You suffer from a sickness that affects the masses overall, and in particular, those of us advancing in years, those beyond youth and the daily excitement that being young, brings. We're not as agile, we're not as sharp, and we're feeling the loss of need - our kids are grown, and grandkids (bless them for filling in) live, for the most part, elsewhere . . . and life, in general is just somewhat emptier, and unfulfilling.
And nothing, in spite of what soothsayers try to convince you of, makes a damn bit of difference because it's the emptiness inside that eats you alive. Oh, you can tweak it a bit, exercise, joining social functions and groups, babysitting grandkids,
charity work - you can stay busy and involved, but: you pay a price! Aches, pains, weariness - down right exhaustion!
And then, when the day and/or night is done, everything/body is taking a rest, your spouse, if still with you, is snoring away, slapping out at flies in dreamland . . .
you're alone, and all the things you've done to combat the emptiness inside that eats you alive, is staring you in the eye again.
It's life, my wonderful friend, and it comes with the passing of time, the loosening on the reins of youth, when we look back on the past, and realize - - - it is the past for the most part, and we're now on the edge of the picture, near the frame, no longer in the center.
And, we miss the attention, the feeling of worthiness that being the center point of everyone/thing, gave us. We were the Matriarch!, the Patriarch!, only now we're just in attendance.
Me - I just look forward to each day, thank God every morning when I arise, put my feet on the floor and am able to stand up, and ask him to bless me every night so I can do the same the next morning. Yeah, I know, it's routine now, and so is the emptiness inside, but I still smile about it, live with it, remember everything I'm still allowed too, and live, the best I can, through the day I'm in!.
I, and many others, live in the same house as you, my friend, just in my own inner-self! You need/want empathy?
Good Grief ! Nothing like verbosity is there?