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Passions in Poetry

Piano Bar Persuasion (Rewrite)

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P.U Stinkenbaum
Member
since 03-09-2017
Posts 167
Watersking with Tidy-Bowl Man


0 posted 04-16-2017 03:30 AM       View Profile for P.U Stinkenbaum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for P.U Stinkenbaum

So thoroughly stated, there was little else to say
Just sitting there, she was...sipping her Sloe Gin Fizz

She had the kind of look on her face that even a stranger would recognize
Jack, the piano player, was keying up something melancholy

She was all Texas, and Texas did well to call her it’s own
The blossom of youth with the air of a woman...and gams to die for
(Still, she could shake the shingles off the roof if you crossed her!)

Her way of coming down stairs is why they called her “Slinky”
...and what she did ‘upstairs' was no less moving

She’s going to let someone love her one day, she says
and there's so many wanting lovers for her eye

Watch her if you wish, it’s always a pleasure for sure
But, wait and see what she does when the music stops




Pass the Glade if you're going to do that here...


[This message has been edited by P.U Stinkenbaum (04-16-2017 10:32 PM).]

© Copyright 2017 Phineas Ulysses Stinkenbaum - All Rights Reserved
JerryPat2
Member Laureate
since 02-06-2011
Posts 15768
South Louisiana


1 posted 04-16-2017 07:27 AM       View Profile for JerryPat2   Email JerryPat2   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JerryPat2's Home Page   View IP for JerryPat2

I have nothing constructive to add to this well-written poem, sir! I knew her as you portrayed her.

~ If they give you ruled paper, write sideways. ~

P.U Stinkenbaum
Member
since 03-09-2017
Posts 167
Watersking with Tidy-Bowl Man


2 posted 04-16-2017 12:53 PM       View Profile for P.U Stinkenbaum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for P.U Stinkenbaum

Thanks so much Mr. Bolton!

She was known as "Slinky" for the way came down the stairs after being 'upstairs' for awhile.

Pass the Glade if you're going to do that here...

JerryPat2
Member Laureate
since 02-06-2011
Posts 15768
South Louisiana


3 posted 04-16-2017 01:02 PM       View Profile for JerryPat2   Email JerryPat2   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JerryPat2's Home Page   View IP for JerryPat2

Thank you PU, for giving us an understanding of 'upstairs' . . . It was greatly needed.

~ If they give you ruled paper, write sideways. ~

P.U Stinkenbaum
Member
since 03-09-2017
Posts 167
Watersking with Tidy-Bowl Man


4 posted 04-16-2017 01:41 PM       View Profile for P.U Stinkenbaum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for P.U Stinkenbaum

Thanks for coming back to read about 'Slinky' Mr. Bolton. I guess I'm always a little 'spooked' about something I wrote that would be banished to the "Mature" forums where people that haven't yet been born may visit!

Thanks again my friend!


Pass the Glade if you're going to do that here...
P.U Stinkenbaum
Member
since 03-09-2017
Posts 167
Watersking with Tidy-Bowl Man


5 posted 04-16-2017 08:45 PM       View Profile for P.U Stinkenbaum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for P.U Stinkenbaum

Thought a little more on your comment Mr. Bolton and took it all back to the drawing board and rewrote it. If you pass this way again, tell me what you think please.

Many thanks!

Pass the Glade if you're going to do that here...

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Rara Avis
since 10-10-2009
Posts 7622
Fair to middlin'


6 posted 04-16-2017 09:11 PM       View Profile for Lori Grosser Rhoden   Email Lori Grosser Rhoden   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lori Grosser Rhoden

I like the rewrite, it is clearer, not that you were leaving too much to the imagination anyway. Yes, that mature line is lurking out there somewhere. I doubt you crossed it. Now Jerry on the other hand....~L
2islander2
Member Ascendant
since 03-12-2008
Posts 6111
by the sea


7 posted 04-16-2017 09:24 PM       View Profile for 2islander2   Email 2islander2   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for 2islander2

the girl and the poem are so attractive, would like to meet her, so nice
yann


P.U Stinkenbaum
Member
since 03-09-2017
Posts 167
Watersking with Tidy-Bowl Man


8 posted 04-16-2017 10:54 PM       View Profile for P.U Stinkenbaum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for P.U Stinkenbaum

Thank you for your comment and visit Lori Rhoden. I'll keep an eye out for Mr. Bolton's poetic transgressions as soon as I get my  Deputy Badge!

Pass the Glade if you're going to do that here...

P.U Stinkenbaum
Member
since 03-09-2017
Posts 167
Watersking with Tidy-Bowl Man


9 posted 04-16-2017 10:59 PM       View Profile for P.U Stinkenbaum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for P.U Stinkenbaum

Thanks for your comments too yann.

Now as for meeting 'Slinky', that might cost you a week or two's wages yann, unless of course you have a good rap that softens her rough exterior...then, maybe.

Pass the Glade if you're going to do that here...

 
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