Piano Bar Persuasion (Rewrite)

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P.U Stinkenbaum
Member
Posts 388
No Fan Of Exhaust Fans

0 posted 2017-04-16 03:30 AM

So thoroughly stated, there was little else to say
Just sitting there, she was...sipping her Sloe Gin Fizz

She had the kind of look on her face that even a stranger would recognize
Jack, the piano player, was keying up something melancholy

She was all Texas, and Texas did well to call her it’s own
The blossom of youth with the air of a woman...and gams to die for
(Still, she could shake the shingles off the roof if you crossed her!)

Her way of coming down stairs is why they called her “Slinky”
...and what she did ‘upstairs' was no less moving

She’s going to let someone love her one day, she says
and there's so many wanting lovers for her eye

Watch her if you wish, it’s always a pleasure for sure
But, wait and see what she does when the music stops

Pass the Glade if you're going to do that here...

[This message has been edited by P.U Stinkenbaum (04-16-2017 10:32 PM).]

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

1 posted 2017-04-16 07:27 AM

I have nothing constructive to add to this well-written poem, sir! I knew her as you portrayed her.

~ If they give you ruled paper, write sideways. ~

P.U Stinkenbaum
Member
Posts 388
No Fan Of Exhaust Fans

2 posted 2017-04-16 12:53 PM

Thanks so much Mr. Bolton!

She was known as "Slinky" for the way came down the stairs after being 'upstairs' for awhile.

Pass the Glade if you're going to do that here...

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

3 posted 2017-04-16 01:02 PM

Thank you PU, for giving us an understanding of 'upstairs' . . . It was greatly needed.

~ If they give you ruled paper, write sideways. ~

P.U Stinkenbaum
Member
Posts 388
No Fan Of Exhaust Fans

4 posted 2017-04-16 01:41 PM

Thanks for coming back to read about 'Slinky' Mr. Bolton. I guess I'm always a little 'spooked' about something I wrote that would be banished to the "Mature" forums where people that haven't yet been born may visit!

Thanks again my friend!

Pass the Glade if you're going to do that here...

P.U Stinkenbaum
Member
Posts 388
No Fan Of Exhaust Fans

5 posted 2017-04-16 08:45 PM

Thought a little more on your comment Mr. Bolton and took it all back to the drawing board and rewrote it. If you pass this way again, tell me what you think please.

Many thanks!

Pass the Glade if you're going to do that here...

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius

since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

6 posted 2017-04-16 09:11 PM

I like the rewrite, it is clearer, not that you were leaving too much to the imagination anyway. Yes, that mature line is lurking out there somewhere. I doubt you crossed it. Now Jerry on the other hand....~L

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

7 posted 2017-04-16 09:24 PM

the girl and the poem are so attractive, would like to meet her, so nice
yann

P.U Stinkenbaum
Member
Posts 388
No Fan Of Exhaust Fans

8 posted 2017-04-16 10:54 PM

Thank you for your comment and visit Lori Rhoden. I'll keep an eye out for Mr. Bolton's poetic transgressions as soon as I get my Deputy Badge!

Pass the Glade if you're going to do that here...

P.U Stinkenbaum
Member
Posts 388
No Fan Of Exhaust Fans

9 posted 2017-04-16 10:59 PM

Thanks for your comments too yann.

Now as for meeting 'Slinky', that might cost you a week or two's wages yann, unless of course you have a good rap that softens her rough exterior...then, maybe.

Pass the Glade if you're going to do that here...

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