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jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

0 posted 2016-03-28 10:50 PM

Ere The Night

I suppose
I awoke
with Winter
coming in my half-open
window -
cold was the air
and the breeze
blowing through the blinds,
colder still,
and yet . . .my side,
where you lay against it
was afire
with the heat
of the hell we nurtured
last night.

Ah, it may be
the light of day we now see,
but ere the night to come,
we'll learn
the throes of love
that will see us
through the coming
lack of light.

© wesley james beard, jr.

[This message has been edited by jwesley (03-28-2016 11:24 PM).]

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius

since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

1 posted 2016-03-29 08:47 AM

Your words conjure love and passion like none other Jimmy. You rip right past the frills and lace of romance and get to the meat and potatoes heart of it. I tip my laptop to you, my friend. ~L

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

2 posted 2016-03-29 09:58 AM

How does one try and comment after Lori has commented first? Eh, but your poem puts the meat and potatoes where they ought to be. Smack dab fused together between you two.

~ If they give you ruled paper, write sideways. ~

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

3 posted 2016-04-05 07:34 PM

enjoyed reading...james

Ari Squire
Member
Posts 488
In The Phallus Lane

4 posted 2016-04-06 12:04 PM

quote:
"the heat
of the hell we nurtured

To pull this out of the text may seem unfair friend, but somehow it just doesn't fit with the "throes of love". Perhaps this is not your mate you write of, but if it is a love you speak of, there can be no hell in the "warmth" of it. Very good poetry.

More feelings and fewer words please

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

5 posted 2016-04-06 10:48 AM

"Ere The Night

I suppose
I awoke
with Winter
coming in my half-open
window -
cold was the air
and the breeze
blowing through the blinds,
colder still,
and yet . . .my side,
where you lay against it
was afire
with the heat
of the hell we raised
last night.

Ah, it may be
the light of day we now see,
but ere the night to come,
we'll learn
the throes of love
that will see us
through the coming
lack of light."

Note: Not allowed to change anything after 24-hours, unlike other boards I visit,
but if I could, I would change the word
"nurtured" to "raised" in the second to last line of the first stanza.
..............................

Would that work better??

jimmy

jjote
Senior Member

since 2002-12-25

Posts 1088
Ontario, Canada

6 posted 2016-04-06 02:40 PM

I think I like "nurtured"..I see an image which flows and continues on and on like a river...but it's your poem, and maybe you like that better. It's a passionate one, this piece, makes me smile in envy.

Ari Squire
Member
Posts 488
In The Phallus Lane

7 posted 2016-04-06 03:16 PM

Had I read "raised" Jimmy, I would have flowed right on through. It airs familiar and works well with your writing. Take no offense friend and thanks for considering the point.

Ari

More feelings and fewer words please

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

8 posted 2016-04-06 05:02 PM

jjote - Yeah, I agree with you and I prefer "nurtured," but between this and a couple other boards I've had several comments about "the hell we nurtured" specifically about "hell" - but in my opinion it wasn't the word hell but the word "nurtured" they were having trouble with, so I changed it to "raised", "a term" with which most are familiar, and it seems to have brought back the smiles . . . which makes me smile.

Thanks for coming in . . . and saying so.
j.

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

9 posted 2016-04-06 05:11 PM

Ari - No Sweat! I (almost) never take offense - may cry and bawl and hate you forever . . .

No. Really, I'm quite hard to offend. I truly appreciate my reader's comments. First - they read what I wrote - YaY! Second - They commented - good, bad or indifferent! And they spent time . . . with me, that could have been spent on anybody else's writing.

I like that!!

Thanks for tuning in . . .

jimmy

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