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Open Poetry #49
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rainyday
Member
Posts 304
Heartland USA

0 posted 2015-11-19 04:21 PM



Tag Along Moon~
'Waited for you till the snow fell down
over skin like a thin nightgown,
waited for you but you never came round at all.
Drank all she could swallow,
now the moon's gonna' follow her home'.

Patted cheeks dry before North wind stings,
eyes blink in the solace of numb air,
a stranger's up ahead..moving this way,
she's not the only road refugee
this dark evening,
what weighs him tonight..
what stole the peace from his face,
she recognizes that pain,
a shared silent bombardment
in ache-telepathy,
for a split second she wants to speak..
to linger, but the shy of her voice retreats,
only the ends of their warm woolen scarves
wave goodbye in gusty passing,
his footsteps distance themselves,
now each of them off to their own shrouded corners,
into the cowl-neck of night.

Drank all she could swallow,
now the moon's gonna' follow her home..

To the left a field of snow,
beautifully sculpted in perfect ridges of white,
like a ruffled gown with endless train,
in chiffon whispers it tells of a short cut to her door,
but escort-moon says No, this way..
Each foggy patch of breath
the only proof of her existence,
this starry night a still-life
upon a path of stones.
Soft murmurs..
to a Cold tag-along-moon.

Drank all she could swallow,
now the moon's gonna' follow her home..

© Jan~
lines in quotation  from 'Moonsong'
By Patty Griffin



© Copyright 2015 Jan~ - All Rights Reserved
Ticklefingers
Senior Member
Posts 710
Louisiana
1 posted 2015-11-19 04:48 PM


Hi rainyday!

Nicely penned poetry that flowed along smoothly, if not melodically with a dash of refrain.

This was especially cool:
quote:
"a shared silent bombardment
in ache-telepathy"
Like a powerful set of 'sympathy pains'!


88's friend

She told me "play one for your supper Danny and maybe you'll get breakfast".

JerryPat2
Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975
South Louisiana
2 posted 2015-11-19 05:02 PM


"Drank all she could swallow,
now the moon's gonna' follow her home.."

You could take these two lines above and find enough inspiration in them to write thousands of poems, and still write more . . . What a dynamic phrase . . . This is an excellent start, and the first of those thousands

~*~ When they give you ruled paper write sideways. ~*~

Constance
Member
since 2001-07-28
Posts 393
Ohio
3 posted 2015-11-19 06:24 PM


This is poetry! I could feel the chill of longing in it. Everything about it drew me in and these lines-

"for a split second she wants to speak..
to linger, but the shy of her voice retreats,
only the ends of their warm woolen scarves
wave goodbye in gusty passing,"

were just perfection.

Smiles,
Constance

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere
4 posted 2015-11-20 05:59 AM


This is a beauty! I love the snow and this story set upon it is just beautiful.
"only the ends of their warm woolen scarves
wave goodbye in gusty passing,
his footsteps distance themselves,
now each of them off to their own shrouded corners,
into the cowl-neck of night."

Absolutely loved this part.  ~L

Pete_W
Member
Posts 185
Scotland (UK)
5 posted 2015-11-20 03:24 PM


Beautiful poem and filled with lovely images, I think they should have listened to their scarves. Enjoyed.
Thanks
Pete

latearrival
Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499
Florida
6 posted 2015-11-20 03:46 PM


Sad and yet  soft ,Jo
rainyday
Member
Posts 304
Heartland USA
7 posted 2015-11-20 11:37 PM


Thank you Tf, "sympathy pains"..liked that
comparison.

  


rainyday
Member
Posts 304
Heartland USA
8 posted 2015-11-20 11:39 PM


JP, Yes..That line & the song totally inspired this write.

Thanks..

rainyday
Member
Posts 304
Heartland USA
9 posted 2015-11-20 11:42 PM


Constance, Thank you for your generous reply,
re: the lines you quoted, I tried to use the
right kind of wording to let the reader See
them passing, hopefully it worked.

rainyday
Member
Posts 304
Heartland USA
10 posted 2015-11-20 11:45 PM


Thank you L, this one was inspired by that song in particular, glad you liked.
rainyday
Member
Posts 304
Heartland USA
11 posted 2015-11-20 11:47 PM


Pete, Grinned at your reply, I think you're
right.
Thanks for the read.

rainyday
Member
Posts 304
Heartland USA
12 posted 2015-11-20 11:49 PM


Thank you Jo, yes it is a bit forlorn,some
are meant to be that way.
Appreciate your read.

Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
13 posted 2015-11-21 01:23 PM


quote:

To the left a field of snow,
beautifully sculpted in perfect ridges of white,
like a ruffled gown with endless train,
in chiffon whispers it tells of a short cut to her door,
but escort-moon says No, this way..


Stunning poem, though the pain plays a major role. But you how intensely you rendered it.

Brava!

Love,
Margherita

"Love is the One who masters all things;
I am mastered totally by Love."
(Rumi)

Mr Martini
Member
Posts 366
Beneath The Line
14 posted 2015-11-21 05:44 PM


"what weighs him tonight..
what stole the peace from his face".


A very good line my dear, enshrined within a lovely poem.

Here's to you and here's to me and should we ever disagree, here's to me!

rainyday
Member
Posts 304
Heartland USA
15 posted 2015-11-22 05:40 PM


M. What a lovely response..Thank you.

rainyday J

Mr. M, Thank you for the read & kind reply.

rainyday J

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