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Open Poetry #49
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lookin for real critique---is this understandable?
| Open Poetry #49 |
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lookin for real critique---is this understandable? |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
arise the day of celebration is upon us dawn lifts light from earth to sky joy is shouted beyond the reaches of our minds may we, thus, revel in the promise– our Savior reigns over all Christmas Nativity, incarnate Once prophesied–revealed. Swaddling clothes exchanged, in His ultimate offering, with burial cloths Left lying within an empty tomb beyond the rolled stone The unsealed evidenced the sealed covenant ©Virginia Salter Whether on the shoal or on the shore, |
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| © Copyright 2014 Virginia Salter - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
Dear Virginia, your words offered the vision of some kind of slide show within my eyes and within my heart. You approached Nativity with your very original way of expression. It sounds very luminous to me, for what we celebrate is the beginning and our faith is based on the conclusion of Jesus' earthly journey: Resurrection! An excellent rendering of what really matters when we speak of Christmas. I hope you don't mind me suggesting you put a title of your choice in the "title space", which would be more attractive. You can ask for a critique in an added comment, either within the text itself or as a reply. Love and joy, Margherita  "Love is the One who masters all things; |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Thanks, Margherita, I'll have to think of one. Not sure how to edit the title area. When I'm unsure the piece is finished, it's more difficult to come up with a title, too. I think I would just have to repost it entirely to get a title in the "offering" box. Whether on the shoal or on the shore, |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
Dear Virginia, do not worry! You know you have only 24 hours to edit, but never mind leaving it as it is if you have doubts about the title. It stirs curiosity the way it is too. The title can be modified easily just like the text (but within 24 hours as I said). I repeat what I have said: I love this poetic work of yours very much. Love, Margherita |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
Read beautifully, smoothly, easily, until I came to this: "The unsealed evidenced the sealed covenant" I found this hard to read, and although know what you speaking about, found it hard to understand. Will have to think on it and if get any ideas get back to you. And - Maybe just me, too, may be prefect to all others!! Title idea: Spiritually Incarnate j. |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Thanks, J Wesley. Having heard no responses re. recommended changes, before I was to be giving it to fellow musicians today, I gave it a title and printed it out on my Christmas paper. The stanza you commented on was one of the ones that bugged me, too. I knew what I meant but wondered how well it would be understood by readers. Thanks, again, for your willingness to help me out. Whether on the shoal or on the shore, I'll seek the lighthouse evermore. |
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Lori Grosser Rhoden Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202Fair to middlin' of nowhere |
I hesitated to read, anticipating a jumble. I was surprised to find a perfectly wonderful poem. I personally liked the line you and Jimmy had difficulty with. |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Thanks, Lori, that makes me feel better that I've already printed and given it out to some. Whether on the shoal or on the shore, |
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