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Open Poetry #48

Condensate on My Skin

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

0 posted 2013-08-05 10:09 PM

Condensate on My Skin

The light fades away
The clouds pass the horizon
Morning dew gathers

Juju

swampguy
Member

since 2013-08-04

Posts 83

1 posted 2013-08-06 08:37 AM

Very nice Haiku.

~*~ If they give you ruled paper, write sideways. ~*~

EmmaRose
Senior Member

since 2011-03-02

Posts 1376
Midwest

2 posted 2013-08-06 05:44 PM

pretty with morning dew

nice

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

3 posted 2013-08-06 08:41 PM

Beautiful sleepy kind of shimmer~

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

4 posted 2013-08-11 03:04 PM

Hi Juju,

This isn't bad. I like your descriptions.

Not sure about the title though, as it refers to things not mentioned in the Haiku itself. Maybe something simpler (e.g "Morning Dew") would be better? More formally though Haiku aren't supposed to have titles or depend on them.

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

5 posted 2013-08-11 03:30 PM

I agree the title is bad. I am still thinking of a better one. I usually like to give a hint to my metaphor, but perhaps I am at a loss, cause the title is also a bad hint. So my apologies.

when I think of a better title I will reply to this thread.

Juju

-Juju

-"So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts " Silent all these Years, Tori Amos

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