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Open Poetry #48
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Of Earnings and Yearnings
| Open Poetry #48 |
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Of Earnings and Yearnings |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California 
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Of Earnings and Yearnings Have I not earned the right to mourn? I ask of the scales at large. Which find me wanting, and forlorn, With no refuting of the charge That I linger, obsessively, As no man has a right to do. Yet what man, this aggressively, Could hold the likes of one so true? I seek not love to quell this ache, For that which undoes self but lies. And lo, the heart does not rebreak When I chance to look in her eyes. But in knowing a pain so pure, Pleasure in its essence can't stand, I wonder how one can be so sure Of me they think they understand. I bask not in the glories of hell, But give pain tribute of my soul. Where no angel would ring a bell, Nor lift a wing to ease toll. And as I pass unto the morrow, Seen but a self-cursed hypocrite; If you think I wallow in sorrow, I assure you, friend, I have earned it. I've lost what most will never touch I've held what most only dream of. For all they need it, oh so much, I doubt they've my respect for love. So as none hold a light to her, Why open those causeways to pain? Where no inkling of love should stir In me, as I sing in the rain. Michael Anderson 6/23/2013 |
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| © Copyright 2013 Michael Anderson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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BluesSerenade Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549By the Seaside |
Your poem aches in ways I can not even fathom, and yet there are so many great lines that tug so hard at the heart. You express the loss of love so well. I always enjoy reading you Michael, although I don't always know what to say. |
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Honeybunch Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-29
Posts 7115South Africa |
Got to ditto Bluesy! However, of the many good lines this one stood out for me. "For all they need it, oh so much, I doubt they've my respect for love." To think like that means a long distance has been travelled in (and let's quote buzz words here) "personal development" - in my humble opinion that is. Helen |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
It’s seldom I write things in haste, or off a whim of emotion. It’s seldom I am moved emotionally enough by anything these days to even have the chance to do that, but this was one of those times; and as usual, when I allow myself to be guided by emotion, rather than intellect, I turn it into a mass debauchery. For that, I apologize. The emotion I felt was anger. The reason was someone whom I consider to be a true friend, JP, wrote me a very kind and sincere reply to one of my poems stating that he was afraid I would be so caught up in self-flagellating that if I ever had another shot of loving, I might just miss it for the pain I am constantly heaping upon myself. All-in-all, the fact that I should draw anger from such a response shows me I’ve still got a lot of room to grow in the being human department. No, JP, I was not angry at you. I was angry at myself that my work should draw such a response. The fact that I found myself demanding the right to mourn, coming from the interpretation I receive not just from you, but nearly everyone on these boards that that is what I am doing: mourning. the fact that that is how you saw it, and were hoping I could change it, even if for my own benefit, leaving me feeling completely misunderstood. I am a poet. I try to express myself in writing, though for some reason, I am much better at expressing the negative aspects of life than the positives ones. That I view life through the tinted pane of depression in no way allows me to exonerate myself when I fail to express my thoughts/views properly. This is something I agonize over at times. In trying to find what I felt I was failing to express, that lead me to be so upset with a friend’s genuine concern, I realized it’s not something I can give a poetic response to, or even a quick one or two line resolution, but let me start with this: Most people read a lot of my poetry and relate to it as the “I loved, I lost” sort… I know I’ve even used those words at times, but that is not a true expression of how I feel. In the bottom of my heart, I know I loved and I won… then destroyed what I had won after the ten best years of my life. The fact I am using “I” here as the pronoun isn’t even fair to the equation. We loved, we won, then I destroyed what we had together. Neither of us were looking for love when we found it. I myself was probably more petrified of the notion than anything, but that is where my respect for love comes from. I didn’t have any say in the matter. That I had spent the first 33 years of my life hopelessly searching for it, then gave up on it completely played no part in it whatsoever. It found me, absolved me, and completely overwhelmed me. But here’s the thing, those first 33 years were spent thinking on what love would bring to me. When I found it, I found it wasn’t about what I would get at all; it was about what I was willing to give. Only in be willing to give up everything, expecting absolutely nothing in return, did ”we” find what was waiting for us. So yes, I’ve be on my own for 3 years now. That doesn’t seem near long enough for me to justify even thinking of loving again… this because I am loving still. I believe forgiveness to be a genuine part of love. If Linda never forgives me, I forgive her for that. If any sin in love is unforgivable, mine against her was just that. If she chose to be with me again, I don’t see how it could be without her questioning me every day for the rest of our lives. After what we shared before, I’m not sure either of us could or would be happy with that, but ultimately, I leave that decision to her. All this taken into consideration, I realize I am not asking the right to mourn, so much as I am just asking if I've the right to love her the rest of my life. If that includes a little dwelling and a little sadness at times, I assure you it’s nothing compared to the darkness that was Michael Anderson before the love I shared with her… and believe it or not, I do not spend my hours moping around a dark empty house thinking of ways to off myself. Not most the time anyways.  You all just get the dark stuff cause I’ve never learned to write anything else. I will work on that I swear, and in the future I will try to express more truly the feelings that define me, apologizing in advance if it turns into a long winded soliloquy.Once again, I apologize for lashing out. Sincerely, Michael And thank you, Blues Serenade and Honeybunch for the kind replies |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
It is testament to your talent that even a pour of words from your pen is of an enviable quality. But no one could envy the pain your words convey! Hugs, my friend... I'm pretty silent these days, but you're in my thoughts. |
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