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Open Poetry #48
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On My Own
| Open Poetry #48 |
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On My Own |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa 
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ON MY OWN 18 January 2013 From the whispers of my first breath in years long faded, except, of course, for my best friend God, (though I am not sure in what later years He became my best friend), I did it all on my own; in hospital after my birth; I don’t remember what I was told was wrong with me then and I really don’t care; whatever it was didn’t recur otherwise I would have known; in learning to read before I went to pre-school, my mother being a teacher, with a big, though non-agressive, THE on the back of my bedroom door because that was the word I struggled with then, and it must have worked because I can read THE now, all on my own; in the dolls only fit for being taught because I didn’t know about children and babies and family love, but they were the best-educated dolls I ever met in all my pre-school experience; on my tricycle racing around the garden; in the red racing car of Peter my five-year old next door neighbour, first behind him, then – oh joy! behind the steering wheel all on my own! with my beloved Woofie given away so soon because my father didn’t like animals and so he left me all on my own; wearing that beige heart-shaped stone, lucky-packet ring that Bennie another neighbour gave me also when I was about five – it was such a pretty ring and oh how I loved it; I wonder when my mother threw it away; I never would have; though perhaps I was persuaded to give it away amongst the toys I was taught to donate once a year “to the poor children” though I am wondering now if that was really the destination of my gifts though I am probably just being cynical as it probably was where they went as we took a few children from the local children’s home to the beach one day every year; in the ballet competition for five-year olds that I didn’t practise for (though my best friend worked at it every day while her mother played on their grand piano); and the pianist asked me what music she should play and I said anything because the music would tell me what to do and Robert Louis Stevenson’s Child’s Garden of Verses that I won for my performance and have still (though the cover is a little loose) and all of its pages have been read and loved more times probably than you have taken breath; in the mango tree with the branch for me to sit on and that short broken one for my feet - I can see it now and would give my back teeth - does anyone want my back teeth? to swing down from that foot branch as I did every day so many, many years ago all on my own; in my made-up ball games with rules I adhered to with law-abiding determination all on my own; in my imagined adventures that nobody ever knew about, some I spent sitting in a large cardboard box with milk and biscuits and a book and exciting dreams in the front garden all on my own; even in games of my imagination with friends from time to time, and though whoever it was entered into it whole-heartedly, I doubt they saw what I was seeing - like swimming through a field of long golden grass on a chicken farm with a little black girl who probably had never seen a swimming pool or the sea; and the friend on whose wooden gate we rode our horses wild and free, though I think she just swang her half-gate horse open and closed in fun co-operation; and so, in essence I was always and still, playing all on my own; in the poetry my mother and father read to me ah yes, I have that - and I thank them both for that and their different favourites, though I can’t believe I wouldn’t have met and fallen in love with poetry at some or other stage, but it was good to be impassioned by it so early and I still hear my father’s voice reading Hiawatha and my mother’s reading Sea Fever; here where I sit all on my own; though it would have been nice if my mother hadn’t turned her nose up at what I wrote years later; which would have suppressed my poetry if it hadn’t refused to be suppressed and it flowed all these years from my pen all on my own; and it would also have been nice if my father had wanted at least one child especially as I was all on my own; in seven years of marriage for at least one of which I practised my French on my husband but he didn’t know as he didn’t listen and so I was essentially all on my own; in my beloved children who grew up and left the nest and my daughter who hasn’t spoken a non-poisoned word to me in about twenty years (except for three sentences in an email about five or six years ago on my birthday); and my son whom I see once a week and sometimes a little extra when I need something fixed, has his own family now, and is very busy giving very passionately to various communities and I am proud of him though wish I had more time to commune with him and not be all on my own; so, except for my dog and my cat and a renter in the outside rooms whom I hardly ever see, and my forest which I adore and my horse and other cat and other dog in Heaven, I live all on my own; in long nights of reading poetry to cats and dogs who hang on my every word and let me know that with them I am not all on my own; in dark midnights on the piano with doors and windows closed, with Beethoven and Dvorak and Grieg and my beloved Chopin and others, in broken music playing as well as I can all on my own; in nature reserves with my favourite companion, me, so that before it was unsafe to walk alone in them, (except for a small nature reserve that takes only an hour to walk its path), I could wander at my leisure, drinking it all in, and loving it all and stop to wonder at and commune with, whenever I wanted, a leaf or a rock or an insect or a flower or a giraffe or a mongoose or the panoramic-horizoned richness of an eco-habitat, that God displays wide-skied, all on my own; in learning which friends and acquaintances are real and which are fake; and weaning myself away from those who would blur my vision and stunt my growth and threaten my spirit; but in all of this I became my own best friend (after God) and I know my worth, my weaknesses and my strengths, the good in me, and the bad; I have few friends and very little family but the real ones of both are valued as drops of rain in a scorched gasping desert, though even of these, few know me at all, though many think they do, and nobody knows me as well as I do; and as shocked as you may be to hear this, I like me all on my own in every sense of that, though it would be nice if I weren’t. Owl |
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| © Copyright 2013 Diana van den Berg - All Rights Reserved | |||
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katahdin Senior Member
since 2010-07-01
Posts 1196ME. In the Shadow of the Mt. |
Wow! A true testament of the power of a woman doing things all on her own. ^-^ (0,0) ( ) --,,-- Thanks for sharing your story. Kat >^..^< |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Kitty Cat, thank you for such a stunning response, but SO especially for drawing an owl for me, because you know how much I enjoy your kitty cat signature - and for knowing that the owl you drew would never be a threat to the kitty cat you drew because this owl adores all kitty cats (but NOT to eat!). I love my owl! Thank you again. Big smiles. I got my Owl looking perfect in Word AND here, and then tried to put it in here (first ungrouped, then grouped) and when I press Submit, it goes wonky. Perhaps it is the font that it defaults to. I will keep trying. ^-^ (0,0) ( ) --,,-- Kitty Cat, as you see my head is lopsided and it hurts. I can only get it lopsided to the one side or the other. Please can you direct me to an owl doctor to tell me how to fix it. I copied your font, both before and after my text, and although that fixed all the other problems, my head is still going to fall off. I also tried disabling Smilies. Help, help and rescue! Owl |
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Gale Senior Member
since 2013-06-10
Posts 578Russia |
It's an autobiographical poem? I've found that my childhood and yours are very alike. Although I've spent mine not completely "all on my own", because my imagination couldn't leave me alone for a moment ) |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Yes, Gale, this is about me, minus the times when I wasn't alone, and, thinking about that, there were quite long periods when I wasn't. Whilst, as I said, it would be nice not to be alone, I would far rather be happy on my own (and most of the time, I really, really am), than miserable with somebody else, which is why I have only had one marriage and a lot of break-ups, but there are few if any of the relationships that I regret. I have learned from each - many positive things and some negative things that can be turned in positives with a little effort. Of course, it would have been really nice to have had at least 1 parent who was nice, but then one can't have everything, I suppose. Yes, I too, rely on my imagination a lot, and poetry, and every single animal that I come across, not just my own ones, and as my namesake, Diana (Ross), an American singer, sings so superbly, I will survive (and I have, so far, for 67 years and I am the healthiest person I have ever met). I had a neighbour a long time ago who simply HAD to have company for at least part of the day. I, on the other hand, am a person who simply HAS to be alone for at least part of the day. I am sorry you have been a lone wolf too, but very glad that you have an imagination that helps to contend with that. Owl |
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Gale Senior Member
since 2013-06-10
Posts 578Russia |
I think that I was rather a lone kitten, than a wolf ))) I was too little and never bit or howled ) |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Giggles at the lone kitten, Gale. Although I have never met a wolf, I am wolf-friendly and don't see them as biters and think they are exquisitely beautiful and that their howl (which I have only heard on TV) is plaintive, haunting music. I feel an affinity with all animals, and if I ever saw a wolf, I would have to force myself NOT to walk up to him/her and pat him on the nose as I know that would be silly. Owl |
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Gale Senior Member
since 2013-06-10
Posts 578Russia |
I think I like wolfs too. I associate their image with Kipling and J.London ) |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Oh, yes! I have read Jack London's The Call of the Wild and White Fang, but I didn't know that Rudyard Kipling wrote about wolves. That is interesting. Owl |
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secondhanddreampoet Member Ascendant
since 2006-11-07
Posts 6394a 'Universalist' ! |
wow ... just wow is about all I can say about this grand-fine powerfully emotive 'autobiographical' write (and I'm not one typically at any 'loss for words') ... bravo ! (this is the 2nd. time tonight that I've read a work about which I would have to say that I would not be capable of writing something of this caliber if I had half-past forever to try to do so!) |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
And a wow from me to you too, lol, Bruce. Thank you. Owl |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
What a lovely way to get to know the real you, Diana. Made me reflect on my own childhood and the long and winding path that brought me to me. Ida |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Both things you said, Ida, make me very happy. I have often said that reading my Bone Marrow (my unpublished and never to be published poetry collection - to date, there are 1052 of my poems - some have been lost) is probably the only way to get to know me. However, nobody has ever done that - except my daughter-in-law but years back, so there are hundreds she hasn't read. Thinking of one's childhood, in sad or glad detail, is, in my opinion, a very precious pastime, and so I am very honoured and touched that my poem did that for you. Owl |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
You amaze me with your strength, your talent, your perseverance... your ability to love generously when its been given to you stingily. Big hugs and lots of love to you and your babies from me and mine. *S* |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
What lovely things to say, Ruth! Thank you. Good friends like you and Colin help so much with everything. Thank you for the love and hugs - Cleo and Benji say thank you too and send meeows and woofs to you and Colin along with love and hugs from me. Smiles. Owl |
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katahdin Senior Member
since 2010-07-01
Posts 1196ME. In the Shadow of the Mt. |
^_^ (0,0) ( ) --,,-- Owl, sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. Glad you like the Owl I made for you. You must use the font - COURIER NEW and you must start the owl in the middle of the page. If you start right at the edge then his head is lopsided. I had some trouble myself trying to get it right. Give it anothert try and good luck! Kat >^..^< |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
^_^ (0,0) ( ) --,,-- Got it, now, thank you Kitty Cat! I tried what you said, then took 1 space from the left of each line at a time and tried it and discovered that you have to have at least 3 spaces to the left of the first line and 2 to the left of the others. Any less doesn't work, but it still means that I can get it on the left as above. I am SOOOOO chuffed with my Owl, thank you again! Beeeeg smiles. Do you know if there is any way that one can select the font, colour and size instead of having to type the code each time? Owl ^-^ (0,0) ( ) __,,__ [This message has been edited by OwlSA (06-27-2013 04:56 AM).] |
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katahdin Senior Member
since 2010-07-01
Posts 1196ME. In the Shadow of the Mt. |
Owl, you can change your font on your profile page to stay on COURIER NEW. Your default is set to Arial font right now but you can edit your profile to the Courier New font and then you should be all set. Not sure about the size but you can choose the color at the time you post a poem or reply. Kat >^..^< |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Thanks for that, Kitty Cat. I didn't stop to think for a moment, but yes, it makes sense that it would be on one's profile. However, I like my font being Arial. I have the code and owl saved somewhere and so when I want to use the image, I will just copy it if I have a moment to at the time. I have added the Owl icon above as well, now. Smiles. Owl ^_^ (0,0) ( ) --,,-- |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Wol, What a beautiful and poignant piece of writing. Makes me a bit sad, but I also celebrate that you may have been alone yet you share so much with so many. What a wonderful thing and I love this about you. xoxoxo Alison |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Thank you, Alison for your compassionate response and kind words. You always make the sun or the moon shine brighter. There were times I wasn't alone, although I always felt that few people, if any, knew all of me. xoxoxo Wol |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
An interesting write...James |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Thank you, James. Owl |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
So much of your life is much like my own, but in a different place, with the same kind of heart. Hugs! |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Thank you, Martie. Whilst, sad for the sad parts for you, I have often felt that we share similarities. Smiles. Owl |
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Lori Grosser Rhoden Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202Fair to middlin' of nowhere |
this is precious Owl. It was wonderful that it was so long. I kept thinking each stanza was going to be the last, leaving me wanting more. Not the case at all, this was very gratifying reading. Lori  |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Thanks, Lori. Giggles, it has been a long life - 67 years, so far, lol! Owl |
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Lori Grosser Rhoden Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202Fair to middlin' of nowhere |
I wrote you a really long reply to this one and just realized it got lost. To make that long story short...loved it was so long and came full circle. I can relate and admire, spent a few years "only childish" when my older brothers moved out. Wise introspection. Lori |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
I am so sorry that we both lost your long reply, Lori, but thank you for replacing it and with such a lovely one - both telling me of your life and being kind and supportive of mine and my poem. I am sorry you also experienced being an only child after your brothers grew up. The funny thing was that I didn't know when I was a child - or even an adult - that I was missing out on anything - or that I was all on my own and that other children and adults weren't - until so many, many years later, in fact it was only very gradually in probably the last decade or so that I started putting the jigsaw pieces together - which possibly made the various agonies more difficult and certainly more confusing at the time . . . pondering on that . . . but perhaps it made it easier . . . but then, fortunately for me, I am a tough and independent old cookie, a lot stronger (and sometimes a lot weaker, lol) than I seem - and in fact, I was much, much tougher as a child - I NEVER cried in front of anyone then, and especially not my mother (from at least the age of 7 - I remember an incident when I got a smack from my mother in front of a friend, and I made a conscious discovery that I didn't need to cry when I was smacked and didn't want to in front of my friend - the hidings I got from my mother are one of the things that I have never regretted, not for a moment). Even now, I very, very seldom cry in front of people in my physical world, but it takes a great deal more effort now - the strategies I used as a child and younger adult don't work so well any more. It is really only in poetry forums that I show probably all (or at least most) aspects of who I really am - because most people outside poetry forums wouldn't/don't understand, or be interested anyway. I am a very strong believer in the fact that there are thousands worse off than me and that we can and should rise above whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, or put ourselves in, although that is easier said than done. Perhaps . . . pondering again . . . everyone's hardships are more or less equal, though extremely different, and we just don't realise that . . . perhaps because of our individual perceptions of what hardships are and perhaps because of how some people handle them - either hiding them or rising above them . . . perhaps I am wrong about that - a lot of perhapses in this, but then I love pondering and perhapses, lol and smiles. Owl |
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