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Open Poetry #48

Nature, Love, and Spring

secondhanddreampoet
Member Ascendant

since 2006-11-07

Posts 6394
a 'Universalist' !

0 posted 2013-06-04 01:56 PM

Nature, Love, and Spring

Cadent cloud legions
of alternate grey-blue
and salmon-burgundy
march through a deep
  sunset sky
over these ancient
‘endless’ hills, forests,
and pristine waters,
like a dreams within a
  dream
of all the soft-ephemeral
penultimate beauty that
nature, love and Spring
could ever be.

                ---b. e. adams (6/4/2013)

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

1 posted 2013-06-06 11:08 AM

Thank you for sharing and showing, Bruce. Lovely.

A

olson29
New Member

since 2013-06-06

Posts 1

2 posted 2013-06-06 11:22 PM

Hi B.E.
Just joined, hope you don't mind me posting here.

Perhaps you might want to omit "deep' in line 4, it seems unnecessary with all the other adjectives and this may enhance the sound and feel of the image.

Also omit "these' line 6

Maybe if you show us ancient or pristine or the other adjectives a little more often it will match the poignant experience you're having for the reader. Perhaps that will be more effective.

Like the idea of dreams within a dream.

Hope that helps.

O

secondhanddreampoet
Member Ascendant

since 2006-11-07

Posts 6394
a 'Universalist' !

3 posted 2013-06-07 02:46 PM

this particular 'poetic scribble' was a direct impression of the evening sunset from the night before.
The sky seemed to go on forever toward an immeasurably distant sunset vanishing point ... 'deep'
remains necessary for a accurate 'word painting' of this particular onset of twilight. I had never seen
a sky quite like that particular one before.

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