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Open Poetry #48
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Time Passages (re-tailored)
| Open Poetry #48 |
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Time Passages (re-tailored) |
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secondhanddreampoet Member Ascendant
since 2006-11-07
Posts 6394a 'Universalist' ! 
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Time Passages the evening sun vanishes over rooftops and hills___ moon on a thousand doorsteps an unseen candle wall-shadow smoke___ which is more real the morning star rises through Autumn mist___ wildflowers --- b. e. adams (10/11/2012) [This message has been edited by secondhanddreampoet (10-12-2012 07:47 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2012 Bruce E. Adams Jr. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Just my personal opinion - I prefer the first version, not leaving out the stanzas that you did leave out, but with the additional line in the last stanza of this version and without the question mark after "real". Leaving out the question mark after "real" makes the line enigmatically ambiguous (which, I personally prefer) - based on whether "which" is a relative pronoun or an interrogative pronoun. Owl |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
Sometimes when we strive to make our poems more concise and by that, better, we lose a lot of the energy we had when we originally wrote the poem. ~*~ If they give you lined paper, write sideways. ~*~ |
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secondhanddreampoet Member Ascendant
since 2006-11-07
Posts 6394a 'Universalist' ! |
The 'original' form of this 'write' was based on actual experience. I've decided that 'slice-of-life' writes are not within my limited spectrum of abilities ... and besides, hard 'reality' seems mostly for those who 'lack imagination' ... The question mark, originally in this re-write, was accidental ... it snuck in there on me as I was re-typing this from 'scratch.' I didn't realize I had accidentally added it. |
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