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Open Poetry #48

I love the way

hollym12
Junior Member

since 2012-04-02

Posts 21
las vegas,nevada

0 posted 2012-04-02 02:55 PM

I love the way you smile.
I love the way your eyes sparkle.
I love the your kiss makes me fill.
I love the way your touch fills.

I love the way you make me fill like a little girl.
I love the way you kiss my lips.
I love the way you put your hand on mine.

I love how your eyes light up when we see each other.
I love how you make me fill when were together.
I love you.

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

1 posted 2012-04-02 03:24 PM

I looked at your profile, "Tell me if you like it. Tell me if i should use different words." , so... and I'm a poor one to be telling anyone how to write, but,

The "potential" is there... different words, yes, some. Try not to use the exact same starting words on every line -- it burns out one's read very quickly.

The first and second and third stanza's are almost identical, and while duplicity is not a no-no, try to vary it somewhat, or make it really "meaningful"....try to built on what was already said.

And...I better hush, before I deeply stick my foot in my mouth...

Write on, my friend...and read, read, the plethora of excellent poets in these blue pages - you will learn much.

j.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

2 posted 2012-04-02 10:05 PM

Valerie, a hearty Welcome to Passions! I like your constructive critique message. It tells all of us that you are open to suggestions, which is such a positive way to come into a new family of poets.

Please, check your email for a Very Special Greeting! We look forward to reading more of you!

"The business of the poet...is to show the sorriness underlying the grandest things and the grandeur underlying the sorriest things." Thomas Hardy

hollym12
Junior Member

since 2012-04-02

Posts 21
las vegas,nevada

3 posted 2012-04-03 12:02 PM

Thanks guys for letting be here.

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