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Open Poetry #48
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The real me
| Open Poetry #48 |
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The real me |
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Xeonox
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764CA, USA 
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This pain seems to grow, engulfing my strength, I have lost my senses, each move so calculated to maintain control, So many lessons learned, feeling as if I have let the rest down, and now it’s my turn, The trust within me is broken, feel so inadequate within, If I could back in the past, I would live alone, would change everything, Would not get close to anyone, feel so bad now, so many depend on me, My sanity being bled out of me every day, I am not looking for a charity, or claiming to be a saint, for I was born a sinner, Sinned against myself own self, each moment, tears me inside, Crushing my thoughts with malice, I feel so bad and wasted, Did not have to resort to drugs or drinks to feel this way, Contentment is not attainable, looking at myself and seeing a stranger, My thoughts can’t keep themselves contained; I share myself too much, In the end, I feel ashamed, dishing my soul to who is willing to see it, Grab it, and reach into it and take what they want, without blinking once, Whom to trust now, for I have lost my humanity, buried beneath reasons, Emotions are for the weak, such a claim I make, defending my actions, Knowing that they drag me away from my journey, no visible path in sight, I’ll never forgive myself; mental mutilation is what keeps me going, Inventing stories; for in the end nothing really matters, I might bring a smile for a few, tears for some, and the rest just a story… I speak insanity. I write fantasy. I sleep reality. |
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Amaryllis Senior Member
since 2010-05-20
Posts 1306Mi now |
Very heartfelt...may you find peace, soon, and brighter days ahead Best, Amaryllis |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Xeonox, please forgive my intrusion if any or all of it is unwanted. I am known for butting in where I don’t belong, albeit with the best of intentions. If I offend/annoy/irritate/anger/anything-else-bad you in any way, please state it clearly and I will butt out for good. I can do that too. Please understand that you put it out there (which is excellent – cathartic for a start, and many other good things too), so a response is natural. OK, here goes! (I am stepping back fast to protect my head from blows! Smiles!) No matter what you have done, the fact that you acknowledge it is the crucial, definitive and first step and a HUGE one, to turning things around. Without that, nobody can help you, not even yourself. You are very logical in your self-analysis, though hard-hitting on yourself. The hard-hitting is fine with the qualification of seeing what good you have done as well, and I am certain that there is a lot of that, besides the huge one of identifying, recognising, acknowledging and having remorse for what you have done wrong. The next step you have done as well. That is wanting to put right what can be put right. What you can’t put right, you can’t, so don’t try, but be careful to include in this, only what should be in it. For example, you can’t undo what you did, but you can turn around almost everything else. The next step is the hardest of all (if you have a conscience – and you so obviously do). That is to forgive yourself, no matter whether you think you deserve it or not – and in fact whether you actually “deserve” it or not. Probably nobody deserves to be forgiven for anything, but God forgives all sin – NO MATTER WHAT – mass murder, serial murders, rape, abuse of all kinds, NO MATTER WHAT! and I am sure you have done none of that! IF GOD FORGIVES YOU, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, NOT TO FORGIVE YOURSELF – GREATER THAN GOD? (I meant that in the nicest possible way, though it may sound harsh.) Until you forgive yourself, you can’t go on to the next step because you will be dragging an albatross around your neck. I don’t remember the exact measurements of the wingspan of any species of albatross with outstretched wings, but it is huge. The weight of an albatross around the neck of the strongest man in the world will deter him from doing almost anything and compromise the success of any attempt. The next step is the easiest. It is a tiny, tiny step in the right direction to put things right. Even if you feel you can’t “put the past right” you can at least feel that you can “make the future right” – just one TINY step at a time - of course, that means towards your family and anyone you have hurt, but not only them – you can do the right thing (and better than you would ever have done in the past) to everyone you meet. It could be as simple and quick as a sincere and compassionate prayer for somebody in distress, even though he/she/they they don’t know you have prayed for him/her/them – like somebody whose car has broken down on the side of the road and for whom you can offer no physical help for whatever reason – like it could be a hijack setup, you are rushing somebody to hospital, you are rushing to your child’s sporting event or a meeting, whatever. Each step after that becomes easier when you see the fruits of some of those right things. Of course, there will be times when you mean well and get a slap in the face. Don’t let that worry you, no matter how hard that may be. Shrug your shoulders, turn away to somebody who wants to be helped. And that leads me to another point. When you are feeling the most down/downtrodden, the very best medicine is to put self aside and go out and help somebody else. The happy fruits of that will be obvious at the time. You have done that with your poem cf the last line. As regards, putting things right and forgiveness, you can’t expect immediate forgiveness from anyone except God. People take time to work through this. However, you can aspire to the forgiveness of people who don’t believe that they can ever forgive you, if you work hard over time to prove that you can and will change and if you work even harder on the actual change . Perhaps you will have some slipping back along the way, but, when that happens, in the Frank Sinatra tradition, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. Some people will not understand about slipping back and there could be further (understandable) recriminations because they don’t believe that you are able to do the Frank Sinatra thing. Try to accept it and see it from their point of view. Don’t waste too much time on making promises (spend some time on it though). Spend more time on strategising your plan of action and on proving, through your actions, that you will change again, and even more time on changing. No matter how sincere you are, some people may never forgive you. That is very sad for you, but even sadder for them. You can only do your best. Nobody is perfect. There are many people who appear to be living exemplary lives but who are rotten to the core and nobody except God knows. You are not one of those people. To ask God and people for forgiveness for your sins (no matter how big or how small!), to be truly remorseful, TO FORGIVE YOURSELF and to do your very best for as long as you can and as often as you can to change and put things as right as you can is the very best ANY person can do. End of preaching (well, sort-of, nearly)! Sorry. Just trying to help with “a path in sight.” Oh, and by the way, for what it is worth, I like “The Real Me” (the poem) and the real you, both very much. And, more thoughts regarding your excellent poem, you can never share yourself too much; emotions are far too much for the weak, only the strong (like you) can handle them – the weak avoid them and pretend that it is macho not to have and/or show emotions; mental mutilation is not what is keeping you going, it is holding you back, but some of what you regard as mutilation is banging on the door that will set you free, you just need to find the key, which is the ability to forgive yourself; try to guesstimate the number of people who are/have been addicted to drugs and alcohol in the world (so you ain’t the only one, are you?); try to guesstimate the number of people who are sinners (everyone!); try to guesstimate the number of people who don’t care about their sins (more than you can ever imagine); quoting from your poem “so many lessons learned” – have you any idea of how many people reach twice your age with no lessons learned? thank goodness you can’t go back in the past and live alone, your loved ones will recover as you will and none of them will wish you out of their lives again; “your sanity bled out of you every day” – I can’t recall ever reading a poem more sane than this one; contentment is attainable for you – for a lot of people it is not, but for you it is, I can see that very clearly; you may have lost your humanity in the past, but not now, your poem of realisation proves you to be among the most human and the most humane. KEEP WRITING EVERYTHING, whether you post it or not. It will help you on your path into the sunlight – and believe me the sunlight is there. You just need to get those curtains (drapes in the USA?) open. That will take time, and the light will show a little at a time, disappear behind the clouds for a while at times, but it will reappear, and you will eventually get the curtains/drapes open, and then you will open the door into the sunlight and be able to invite your loved ones to join you. Perhaps they will be tentative at first, but be patient with them. They WILL join you. Don’t promise yourself too much at a time – just tiny, tiny steps and keep smiling that lovely smile in your photo in Pip. Trust me, an old, old woman of 66. They say that owls are wise. Smiles. Owl |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
I hope you found comfort and peace as you wrote through these contemplative thoughts, Xeonox. I often find that pondering in such depth helps me to gain perspective within my own world as well. I very much enjoyed this. Best wishes, /Kit |
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Xeonox
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764CA, USA |
Thank you all for your responses. Owl, I have never received such a lengthy and detailed response ever. |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
Sometimes it is through catharsis like this, that it is really the only time one can truly explore themselves. Both good and bad; and that need is there in us all, because we write. Purge it into words in your hands, as you've done here, that you can then move about and take control of. |
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JL Member Ascendant
since 2004-04-01
Posts 6128Texas, USA |
"I feel so bad and wasted, Did not have to resort to drugs or drinks to feel this way, Contentment is not attainable, looking at myself and seeing a stranger, My thoughts can’t keep themselves contained; I share myself too much, In the end, I feel ashamed, dishing my soul to who is willing to see it," Pour it out, let it rain, get it off your chest... It's all good.  Enjoyed the read. JL  Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul,and with all your mind. Love your neighbor as yourself. Maranatha! |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
Emotions are life, my friend. Without them you are just a vehicle running until its parts wear out and grind to a halt. To deny them is to with hold lubrication to the soul. And what gives life is the soul, and the emotions by which it is defined. Walk easy... |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
if we didn't experience the bad, how would we identify the priceless good? It is only from our own choices that we suffer...we allow people to hurt us, by choosing the wrong people...or at least I did...;0) Hugs for a good write.... Lee J. |
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