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Passions in Poetry

Waitress Hips - (please critique)

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eminor_angel
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since 05-22-2003
Posts 327
Canada


0 posted 01-01-2011 11:06 PM       View Profile for eminor_angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for eminor_angel

the sway of 6 am  truck stop rhythm  
swing of waitress hips  
turned between tight
tables   slide of chipped plates    eggs over-easy
shimmy of waitress hips  
quick twist through
pushed-out chairs     pockets fill up
jam packets  toothpicks  dimes
butterscotch candy gifts from old men
blue collar cadence  weary when
each pot of coffee weighs
down on those
hips just a little more
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icebox
Member Elite
since 05-03-2003
Posts 4246
in the shadows


1 posted 01-01-2011 11:45 PM       View Profile for icebox   Email icebox   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for icebox

sway of 6 am
truck stop rhythm swing
of waitress hips
turned between tight tables
slide of chipped plates' eggs
over-easy shimmy
to waitress hips
quick twist through pushed-out chairs
pockets fill up
jam packets
toothpicks
dimes
butterscotch candy gifts
from old men
blue collar cadence weary when
each pot of coffee weighs down
on waitress hips
just a little more

eminor_angel
Member
since 05-22-2003
Posts 327
Canada


2 posted 01-02-2011 12:31 AM       View Profile for eminor_angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for eminor_angel

holy crap, thank you. i tried for so long to get the line breaks right, so that they'd have energy, but still make sense. good job!
Alison
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Member Rara Avis
since 01-27-2008
Posts 9055
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


3 posted 01-02-2011 01:54 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Good job to both of you.  I learned from icebox's suggestions too.

A
icebox
Member Elite
since 05-03-2003
Posts 4246
in the shadows


4 posted 01-02-2011 12:37 PM       View Profile for icebox   Email icebox   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for icebox

I too very much like the energy of this.  With a small line switch, and one word change, this also could be played off the different prepositions:   of, at, by, to, through, with, from, on; there is no "right" way.  Poetry is a trail of adventure.


truck stop rhythm swing
of waitress hips
sway
at 6 am
turned between tight tables' slide
by chipped plates' eggs
over-easy shimmy
to waitress hips
quick twist
through pushed-out chairs
with pockets filled up
jam packets
toothpicks
dimes
butterscotch candy gifts
from old men
blue collar cadence weary when
each pot of coffee weighs down
on waitress hips
just a little more
eminor_angel
Member
since 05-22-2003
Posts 327
Canada


5 posted 01-02-2011 06:56 PM       View Profile for eminor_angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for eminor_angel

thanks for the second alternate. the first one appeals to me a little more though.
JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 11-16-1999
Posts 31622
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA


6 posted 01-08-2011 06:20 PM       View Profile for JamesMichael   Email JamesMichael   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JamesMichael

Like the thoughts here...my ex-wife used to be a waitress and she would bring home pockets full of bills and change...James
 
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