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Open Poetry #46
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soul drifter
Senior Member
since 2004-09-08
Posts 711
Colorado

0 posted 2010-12-13 01:18 PM


Portrait of a Girl in the Rain

Portrait of a girl in the rain
thinking about anything but me
portrait of a boy gone insane
hoping for her blue eyes to be
crawling all around my face
take me away to a better place
keep me sacred
leaves me naked
and oh
so awake

Thumbnail of a love on a pillow
left weathered there and alone
staring through her soul's windows
blue moons light up this friendzone
and stupid me, trying to be more
to her, trying to find lovezone's door
looking forever
never say never
oh yeah
potential lover

And when the ink's dried and the gypsies have lied
will you still be here, sighing, "at least we tried"
well, when the night has faded from the screen
open up to a brand-new technicolor scene
in which the damsel saves my ass
and all these promises will come to pass
they must come at last

Portrait of a girl in the rain
sinking in her darkest reverie
painting of a red lingering pain
unfinished in the blue eyes of me
caressing her lovely face
let's go away to that better place
leave me sacred
keep me naked
and oh
oh so awake

And now I'm dreaming the angels hide their wings
and you're still here, my soft rainy day queen
well, now the day is rising within my eyes
opened up like wounds and futile tries
gotta make these moments last
and all these promises should come to pass
I know they will come at last

Awake.
Potential lover, oh yeah
never say it's over
or I will be a perfect picture in heartbreak

Is this heaven or...
or is it just a beautiful mistake?

"And all the world is football-shaped,
it's just for me to kick in space." -- XTC, 'Senses Working Overtime'

© Copyright 2010 Zach Hilgefort - All Rights Reserved
easy1
Senior Member
since 2010-05-22
Posts 1209
Southeastern USA
1 posted 2010-12-21 09:38 AM


This is not that bad at all, and there are some excellent lines here.

Don't know why no other replies/comments yet...

ken206573
Member
since 2008-10-14
Posts 487

2 posted 2010-12-22 05:11 PM


So much sweet mistakes, the poem is beautifully written. happy holidays
JerryPat
Senior Member
since 2010-10-30
Posts 1991
Louisiana/America
3 posted 2010-12-26 10:14 PM


Love those beautiful mistakes.

To mimic is a form of praise unless
you have no thoughts of your own

XGarapanX
Senior Member
since 2008-06-19
Posts 1435
Antarctica
4 posted 2010-12-28 08:44 PM


Yes, wonderful, and some really great lines. This was the one I liked...

"And when the ink's dried and the gypsies have lied will you still be here, sighing, "at least we tried"

·´~`·­»Garapan«­·´~`·

Bastet
Member
since 2010-05-07
Posts 246

5 posted 2010-12-29 04:20 AM


A beautiful poem with a lot of emotional content. Very well expressed. Also, very musical.
Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
6 posted 2010-12-29 05:54 AM


Nice, captivating song.

Love,
Margherita

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549
By the Seaside
7 posted 2010-12-29 05:41 PM


And when the ink's dried and the gypsies have lied
will you still be here, sighing, "at least we tried"
well, when the night has faded from the screen
open up to a brand-new technicolor scene

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loving those lines, and the endless possibilities they bring to mind.

Your poetry is fresh with the most wonderful flavor.
Happy New Year to you~
It's just so great to read your work, soul drifter.

JerryPat
Senior Member
since 2010-10-30
Posts 1991
Louisiana/America
8 posted 2010-12-29 06:19 PM


Just wanted to expound on my earlier short comments after I reread this. Taken in some ways, this comes off as a pretty darn good country song. A lot of pain and suffering, and blue eyes longing, etc.

The poem kept me interested because of your honest, but different;y used expressions, such as "And when the ink's dried and the gypsies have lied / will you still be here, sighing, "at least we tried"

It is that kind of offbeat style that I particularly like. Good writing.

To mimic is a form of praise unless
you have no thoughts of your own

soul drifter
Senior Member
since 2004-09-08
Posts 711
Colorado
9 posted 2011-01-04 04:01 PM


Thanks so much to everyone for the comments. I kinda liked this one and I was worried this would be one my posts withe a 0 in the comment column. Groovy.

Jerrypat, thanks, though I personally can't stand country music! (although, Johnny Cash is pretty cool, but then I can't imagine him doing anything like this song.)

"Don't mistake paradise for a pair of long legs." -Watts, Some Kind of Wonderful

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