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Mistletoe Angel
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0 posted 2010-12-07 03:04 PM


(Here's another world premiere feast for the eyes, in dishonor of all those ugly sweater parties that are sprouting up everywhere spontaneously!

And yes, my sister is indeed having her fourth annual one in a couple of weeks, and I intend to freak that fleece, bwaaaaa ha ha ha! )


*

     

My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party
By: Lisping Hibiscus
12/7/10
.
.
.
Ahhhhhhh, the Christmas season!

The time of struggling to remember,
the names of your second cousin's kids...

...telling everyone I can't cook,
just so I can swipe the kitchen lubricant,
and go saucer sledding at Scoggins Valley Park...

...and the scratchy feeling,
of an ugly sweater on my back!


(What?!!!)

(You can't be serious!)

(They're street-cred suicide!)

(I'd rather risk chiping my teeth,
eating peanut brittle,
from a popcorn tin,
than ever be caught in one of those hideous things!)


Ah, I hear every one of you!

I, myself,
back when I was really, really young,
got this goldenrod sweater,
knitted by my Aunt Helga,
featuring a sequinned nutcracker family,
yodeling with Hermey the Misfit Elf,
Leroy the Redneck Reindeer,
and the Rockettes,
on the Christmas Valley Sand Dunes...

...with these padded shoulders,
bat arms,
a wide waist-band...

...and all these stitched-on bells,
multi-colored pom poms,
an appliqued partridge in a pear tree,
and a penguin Jesus ascending to heaven,
that lights up!

It was the most ugly,
beastly,
grisly,
no good,
very bad sweater you'd ever see.
.
.
.
I put on my best stiff upper lip,
pretended I liked it,
then squirreled it away,
in the deepest sepulchurs of my closet...

...where it would remain,
for twenty-three and a half fateful years...
.
.
.
...but that was then!

This is now!

And since the Dark Age of Fleece...

...I've grown wiser...

...I've grown more open-minded...

...and have grown ever grateful,
to have been blessed with this perfect gift,
by my beloved Aunt Helga...

...for you see...

...'tis not only the season of Christmas spirit...

...'tis the season of Christmas spirit recycling!


(You've lost your mind, bro!
Someone's spiked your quince cheese,
at one too many stitching parties,
at Sheep Thrills!)


Hey,
there's nothin' like,
goin' the whole nine yarns,
and keepin' with the Knitty Gritty,
this time of year!

In fact,
word has it,
my sister's gonna have,
one of these ugly sweater parties,
this Friday night at her humble abode!)


(Egad!!!
Ugly Sweater Party?!!!)


Sure as Smithfield ham!
But merely flapping the tongue,
won't get your pregnenolone pumpin'!

Along with everything holiday-related,
it's something I can only explain,
through lock, longsock, barreled caroling,
and deviant hall-decking dubstep!

Let's get you on that Jolly Holiday Christmas Trolley,
where looking bad has never felt so good!

DJ Knit Picky,
Let's Get Loud!
.
.
.
.
.
Hey y'all, you're invited to a special bash,
free of all that modish, trendy balderdash!
Just be sure to come in a Christmas sweater!
(The more hideous it is, the better!)
Don't own one? I know of a Ross's nearby!
That's where turtlenecks and sweaters go to die!
Snap some shots, just shield them from your Grandma's eyes!
Otherwise, you'll be mailed a second stitched surprise!

Cut that rug in the rug you've cut,
with the rest of us seasonal sluts!

At my sister's Ugly Sweater Party!
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
Don't let me catch you getting artsy!
(At My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party!)
Kickin' it like Lorenzo Bernardi!
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
At my sister's Ugly Sweater Party!
(My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party!)



Once I scoffed at handcrafted garb with antipathy,
now I benefit from my packratting abilities,
sniffing out sweaters with jarring color combinations,
red and rust, pickled greens, creamed corn yellow inflammations,
wiping racks clean featuring sizes 1X and bigger,
you better bet being dead unsexy is de rigueur,
I'm talkin' battery lights and marabou feather trim,
and more than enough puffy paint to make Santa's head spin.

Smack an appliqued bow on that appliqued puppy's neck!
(Ughhh-La-Dee-Dah!)
Find real steal bargains at tackychristmassweaters.net!
(Ughhh-La-Dee-Dah!)
Drag that frumpy clunker through clumps of poison ivy!
(Ughhh-La-Dee-Dah!)
Often all you need is urushiol to make things lively!
(Ahhhhhhh! Get it off! Get it off!)

With my Converse Chuck Taylors with Christmas Wreaths,
who knows what nasty faddism I will bequeath!

At my sister's Ugly Sweater Party!
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
If you have a bit too much Bacardi!
(At My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party!)
Yule carol nothin' but malarkey!
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
At my sister's Ugly Sweater Party!
(My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party!)

     

(Fa-La-La, La-La!
Ughhh! Na Na!)
.
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
.
(Fa-La-La, La-La!
Ughhh! Na Na!)
.
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
.
Hey y'all, you're invited to a special bash,
free of all that modish, trendy balderdash!
Just be sure to come in a Christmas sweater!
(The more ostentatious, the better!)
Don't own one? I know of a Michael's nearby!
That's where we leave our sweaters high and dry!
Bring something for the Bad Santa gift exchange!
Anything that's dirt cheap, estranged and deranged!

(You Look Lost, My Friend!
Here, I'll Help You Out!)

Spend ten dollars on any gift that's just plain horrible!
Like a box of laxatives or an Eskimo yo-yo!
Play-Doh Doctor Drill 'n Fill, Lawn Darts, Big Mouth Billy Bass,
or Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab!

(Pardon my Bat Masterson Belt Gun! I've got the munchies!)
Me too! We've got a wide array of ghastly grubberies!
Like Slippery Santa Shots and fruity gelatin mold!
And you need to try my gourmet Tater Tot Casserole!
Ugly Sweater Sugar Cookies and sausage ball muffins,
with some Vienna sausages served with frilly toothpicks!
Strawberry Twinkie dessert and red dye-spiked onion dip!
Go on and use the sweaters as place-mats! I do insist!

There are tasteless argyle socks nailed all over the walls!
(Ughhh-La-Dee-Dah!)
And holiday lawn decorations cluttering the halls!
(Ughhh-La-Dee-Dah!)
The Santa Beer Pong Showdown's swarmin' with collegians!
(Ughhh-La-Dee-Dah!)
My sister's crankin' up Christmas tunes by Sufjan Stevens!
(Get Behind Me, Santa!)

(No, Not That Santa!)

This party's blowin' up like Susan Bristol Inc!
We've got more threads than Billy Cosby's toggery!

At my sister's Ugly Sweater Party!
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
Your sense of style pre-dates Atari!
(At My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party!)
Don't let me catch you being tardy!
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
At my sister's Ugly Sweater Party!

Holiday Sausages!!!

(What?!!!
What kind of immaculate interjection,
is that?)

Ahhh,
the concept of this game eludes you!
Let me take the liberty,
to explain how the game is played,
over the course of this song's bridge!

Hey there everyone,
let's divide the room into two teams,
facing each other!
It's time for a group activity!
Now someone from Group One,
can ask any random question,
like "Why aren't hemorrhoids called asteroids?",
or "Does holding one's breath cause indigestion?"

Then someone from Group Two,
such as it is,
will always answer each question:
"Holiday Sausages!"
And if the person answering doesn't grin,
cackle or crack a smile,
then their team collects a point,
and we repeat the whole cycle!

But say the person from Group One,
explodes into uncontrollable laughter,
then the teams switch roles,
so that Team One has to answer!
Everyone plays this,
until we've all had a turn or two!
And the team that has the most points,
shall snag the cordon bleu!

If no one here has any questions,
then we shall begin,
Team One, you are up!
Choose a group representative!

"So, what would you get if you crossed Chewbacca with a Smurf?"
(Holiday Sausages!)
"What do people do everyday who don't know how to surf?"
(Holiday Sausages!)
"If a turtle has no shell, is it homeless or naked?"
(Holiday Sausages!)
"If your farfugnugen is broken, how do you fix it?"
(Holiday Sausages!)
"What happens when you put a lightsaber underwater?"
(Holiday Sausages!)
"Are Siamese twins charged for one when they go to concerts?"
(Holiday Sausages!)
"At movie theaters, exactly which arm rest is yours?"
(Holiday Sausages!)
"Why was the president impotent during the Civil War?"
(Haaaaaa, ha ha-holiday Sau-Ha Ha Ha-sages!)
OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
"Why do they call it the Department of the Interior,
when they are in charge of everything outdoors?"

(On second thought,
enough of this game!
I just wanna DANCE!)

Do the Mistletoe Mojito!
(Shred That Freaky Fleece!)
Dunk it like a glass of milk and a Sausalito!
(Our ensemble will outshine the Christmas tree!)
Let's Pin The Nose On Rudolph!
(Shred That Freaky Fleece!)
(Whip up as much evidence as you can!
To discuss later during family therapy!)

(Fa-La-La, La-La!
Ughhh! Na Na!)
.
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
.
(Fa-La-La, La-La!
Ughhh! Na Na!)
.
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
.
(Fa-La-La, La-La!
Ughhh! Na Na!)
.
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
.
(Fa-La-La, La-La!
Ughhh! Na Na!)
.
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
.
Hey y'all, you're invited to a special bash,
free of all that modish, trendy balderdash!
Just be sure to come in a Christmas sweater!
(The more scandalous it is, the better!)
Don't own one? Try T.J Maxx at First and Fritze!
That's where sweaters go when they are eighty-sixed!
The Salvation Army won't keep up with demand!
(Oh dear! Maybe we should stop crusading the racks!)

From this point on, let's shop online!
I bought ten for a song tonight!

For my sister's Ugly Sweater Party!
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
Your sense of style pre-dates Atari!
(At My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party!)
Don't let me catch you being tardy!
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
At my sister's Ugly Sweater Party!
(My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party!)

I'm Talkin',
The Most
Frumpy Lumpy,
Dowdy Rowdy,
Tacky Wacky,
Gaudy Bawdy,
Bedraggled Fraggled,
Stodgy Dodgy,
Rancid And Exacerbated,
Utterly Dilapidated,
Sweater Party!


(Fa-La-La, La-La!
Ughhh! Na Na!)
.
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
.
(Fa-La-La, La-La!
Ughhh! Na Na!)
.
(My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party!)
.
(Fa-La-La, La-La!
Ughhh! Na Na!)
.
(Ugly Sweater Party!)
.
(Fa-La-La, La-La!
Ughhh! Na Na!)
.
(My Sister's Ugly Sweater Party!)
.
.
.
My blind Great-Grandma Prudence,
must have overheard my girlfriend and I,
once saying we wanted,
to make each other hot and sweaty...

...so as it turns out...

...SHE KNITTED US BOTH SWEATERS!!!

And, Steamin' Swedish Nuts,
is it iniquitously itchy!

It'll be purrrr-fect for next year,
klick-klacky tally-ho!
.
.
.
(On second thought,
you can never have enough baubles!
Can't afford to take that chance!)

     


"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other"

Mother Teresa

© Copyright 2010 Nadia Lockheart - All Rights Reserved
Lighthousebob
Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725
California
1 posted 2010-12-07 04:28 PM


Noah,

I Love your energy, Love it, but, um, the ugly sweater thing, um, I think I can do without! (big smiles)

My favorite lines were ...

Hey,
there's nothin' like,
goin' the whole nine yarns,
and keepin' with the Knitty Gritty,
this time of year!

Sweater Humor! (LOL) You've got to Love it!

God bless, my friend, and Merry Christmas,

-Bob

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