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Zeigeist
Member

since 2009-12-09

Posts 311
Michigan

0 posted 2010-10-23 06:22 PM

Drizzle

My mood is grey,
Heavy as a widow’s smile.
I walk a staggered line
With pockets of pain.
Churches bells ring
For someone
Faint and haunting.

I sit hard
On a bench for losers.
Pigeons don’t even bother
To ask me for a thing.

I lean forward,
Put my head in my hands,
With a suppressed scream,
I rub at love’s teeth marks.
When will it stop
Being my enemy.

With a sigh, I look up.
No fluffy clouds floating by,
No bright sun to warm me,
Just the drizzle of
Another lonely day.

Zeitgeist

rebelrea
Junior Member

since 2010-10-22

Posts 20
Michigan, USA

1 posted 2010-10-23 06:33 PM

absolutely loved it, i feel the same way a lot..

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

2 posted 2010-10-23 08:47 PM

Your poetry celebrates the blues

Marchmadness
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 9271
So. El Monte, California

3 posted 2010-10-24 02:53 AM

Melancholy that drips from a lonely place, but Diamond is right, A truly fine celebration of the blues.
Ida

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

4 posted 2010-10-24 03:06 AM

gosh! how depressing this is

I feel this way sometimes too but at least I have 3 dogs that are always wanting stuff from me

eminor_angel
Member

since 2003-05-22

Posts 323
Canada

5 posted 2010-10-25 07:18 PM

Hey Zeigeist, you say you encourage critiques, so here goes:

You have some great lines in here, like "Pigeons don’t even bother
To ask me for a thing." which is a great way to describe the feelings of loneliness and uselessness. Likewise, "I rub at love's teeth marks" portrays nursing one's wounds in a much more original way. However, some parts tend to be melodramatic or self-serving, such as 'I sit hard
On a bench for losers." or "pockets of pain" and lose their spark and originality. Focus on your talent for creative and vivid imagery, and it will be great.
~Eminor

Zeigeist
Member

since 2009-12-09

Posts 311
Michigan

6 posted 2010-10-27 07:00 PM

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughtful critique. I appreaciate them all and will always take them to heart.

Zeitgeist.

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