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Open Poetry #46

A poem to a crush

Alejandro
New Member

since 2010-05-29

Posts 6

0 posted 2010-05-29 02:50 PM

I rap but always have been a fan of poetry and its use of metaphors and visuals. I hope to work on my poetry so it is heartfelt. Constructive criticism needed. or some pointers.

Eyes full of beauty so bright and deep like pools of water
The sunlight's reflection seemed to make them glimmer and sparkle
round cheeks, perfectly white teeth and a pretty smile completes her gentle physique...

i just started on it but wanted to see if i was on the right path to something creative

Michael Deal
New Member

since 2010-05-26

Posts 7

1 posted 2010-05-29 05:36 PM

your definitely on the right path, but remember poetry is an expression of you and it is your path

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

2 posted 2010-05-30 06:58 PM

A nice poem to a crush I would say.

Welcome to Pip and write on!

Love,
Margherita

Amaryllis
Senior Member

since 2010-05-20

Posts 1306
Mi now

3 posted 2010-05-30 07:28 PM

Hello Alejandro.. what a lucky crush to have such fine words written of her!

I will note one thing, since you`ve asked for help.. in line 2, I`d remove the `seemed to`, and just let the sun directly make them glimmer and sparkle

`Tis only my opinion though.. (by no means am I editing/rewriting your work).. you may take it or leave it

Keep on writing!

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

4 posted 2010-05-30 08:39 PM

You are on the right path,
so please, be welcomed to Passions
in Poetry, where you may find the
time and talents to help you hone
your artistic ways.

Please, check your email
for a Very Special Greeting!

" It matters not this distance now " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love
~*~
KRJ

Alejandro
New Member

since 2010-05-29

Posts 6

5 posted 2010-06-01 03:30 PM

thanks everyone, you sure know how to make a person feel welcome here

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