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Open Poetry #46
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brian sites
Senior Member
since 2002-06-25
Posts 1475
usa

0 posted 2010-04-22 03:30 AM



              a slow
unwinding
      of breath...

     experience
wound down
      to
the pace of
        knowing


a piece
      of pain
grown
     up

            tired of retelling
                    the
                self
tired
of rebelling    
            
             the tried
                    is showing
             on my face

afraid
  the  
        gulf
          is beyond

                   sailing
                  home

© Copyright 2010 brian sites - All Rights Reserved
Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
1 posted 2010-04-22 01:41 PM


A most profound and poignant write, as I perceive it.

Love,
Margherita

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549
By the Seaside
2 posted 2010-04-22 08:56 PM


I always took you for a gifted poet, and I see you still got it!!

You have a knack for writing such simple truths with raw emotion...makes me go aaah!!

Nice reading you again.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
3 posted 2010-04-25 11:38 AM


There you are...and here are your whisperings...

sail on!


Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
4 posted 2010-04-25 02:47 PM


I know that you can get darn tired of the same music, and the same dance.

Good to read you again Brian.

Trapped - Nothing
Member
since 2010-04-25
Posts 52

5 posted 2010-04-26 09:53 AM


a slow
unwinding
      of breath...

     experience
wound down
      to
the pace of
        knowing


a piece
      of pain
grown
     up


I love how your words dance on the page its energetic,  too much dance and the words have worn out its stay.  This makes for a potentially meaningful haiku.

I especially like a piece of pain.  Just like a piece of pizza.  I like drawing this analogy.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

6 posted 2010-05-03 08:34 PM


Apparently this does indeed inspire "dance".

I felt the pain, and your method of spacing is always intriguing. The first line indentation made me take a breath before I even read the words. The wordplay of the title made me smile, because I "get it".

In spite of the message, I still delight in reading this--I know how difficult it is to work the page AND rhyme, but the physical appearance of the poem didn't strike me as a dance, more like waves...and just like the first time I ever read your work, I tilted my head to the right and smiled. Most poems with shape tend to distract from the content--you have an artful ability to enhance the written word with the visual.

a sculpter...

Unique...up on me. (Did I make you groan? I certainly HOPE so!)

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