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 another haiku..sorry. :)
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Passions in Poetry

another haiku..sorry. :)

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ateague38
Junior Member
since 03-25-2010
Posts 13


0 posted 04-01-2010 03:22 AM       View Profile for ateague38   Email ateague38   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ateague38

mandibles of time
do not take big bites at all.
Deteriorate.
© Copyright 2010 ateague38 - All Rights Reserved
Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis
since 01-25-2008
Posts 8544
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania


1 posted 04-01-2010 12:46 PM       View Profile for Robert E. Jordan   Email Robert E. Jordan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Robert E. Jordan

Ateague38,

I would drop the meaningless punctuation and capitalization in this short poem.

Bobby
ateague38
Junior Member
since 03-25-2010
Posts 13


2 posted 04-01-2010 06:34 PM       View Profile for ateague38   Email ateague38   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ateague38

thank you for your critique, Mr. Jordan. I'm honored that you took the time to tell me those things...and if i knew how to edit my poem, i would.
HippinTrippy
Member
since 03-26-2010
Posts 103
New York


3 posted 11-27-2010 11:10 PM       View Profile for HippinTrippy   Email HippinTrippy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for HippinTrippy

There are little icons above the poem, to the right of " 0 posted [insert time/date] " and to the left of "Inappropriate content?" one of which is an edit/delete icon. If you mouse over them for a second or two the name will pop up. You can edit your poem at anytime from there.

Keep 'em coming, I enjoy reading your thoughts.
Andrew Scott
Member Elite
since 06-24-99
Posts 2655
Redlands,CA,USA


4 posted 11-27-2010 11:56 PM       View Profile for Andrew Scott   Email Andrew Scott   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Andrew Scott

Slowly, but surely it nibbles you down to the nub... and then... nothing. Time is an army ant colony on the move. Get out of the way!

"We'll chase them like rats across the tundra."

Earl Brinkman
Senior Member
since 03-03-2010
Posts 1185
Osaka, Japan


5 posted 11-28-2010 04:52 AM       View Profile for Earl Brinkman   Email Earl Brinkman   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Earl Brinkman

I like the idea that you have expressed but I would change the word `deteriorate` to the phrase `They take little ones`  But this your baby so.....
crosscountry83
Member
since 07-30-2009
Posts 335


6 posted 11-28-2010 09:53 AM       View Profile for crosscountry83   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for crosscountry83

From your posts it looks like you are okay with critiques, so if you are you might want to change that under your your profile.

I like the poem! And personally, "deteriorate" works for me. That's just me though.
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


7 posted 11-28-2010 10:04 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

I enjoyed this. I also don't see any reason for an apology from you prior...Haikus and Senryus are always welcome. Little nuggets of gold...

easy1
Senior Member
since 05-22-2010
Posts 1209
Southeastern USA


8 posted 12-01-2010 04:00 AM       View Profile for easy1   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for easy1

Yes, no need to aplogize for this. Although, may I remark that deterioration can be sudden as well as gradual... and so can recovery (be quick or slow), in slightly different ways.
Angel4aKing
Senior Member
since 09-27-2006
Posts 1376
USA


9 posted 02-14-2011 01:58 PM       View Profile for Angel4aKing   Email Angel4aKing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Angel4aKing

I like and have a few that I am playing around with right now myself!!!!

~~~kingsangel~~~

 
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