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| Open Poetry #46 |
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- Nevermore - |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA 
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Nevermore He tore my heart out of my chest then wiped the blood across my breast he laughed, he sighed in his rehearse the opus of a form of curse. I bid him why? He would not say I wept; I tried to make him stay to love again with eyes unseen in meadows pure and grasses green; And touch me with his fingertips and place his lips upon my lips when we were whole like once before and never knew the pangs of war. ~ My love, o love, why so unkind? Return to me; Can thou rewind? To when our hands would mold as one when innocence outshone the sun of how our liquid light entwined enmeshed the soft of us combined the promise of sweet ode’s embrace wet whispers born of heavens grace; I beg you nigh, o dare not leave don’t take the dreams to which I cleave. ~ He gave the answer to my prayer - the kind of cold that wrinkles air an aching no of raven’s call of gilded wings before the fall. Alas, his choice engraved the stone upon my skin and broke the bone and wore me down with fires cruel that thread my fate upon his spool; He fled for free without remorse his want of me had run it’s course. ~ I feel the weight of misery of comedy and tragedy a madness that is born within now plays me like a violin - the sorrow of my very soul to match the blackest black of coal from forth the vespers of lament within the rue of discontent; My flesh cries like a child in play: O bring him back! O beg him stay! ~ I breathe toward my little death the absence of my lover’s breath and slowly now the embers burn the ebb of pain, of tides that turn beneath the sting of nevermore I am the loss of love’s adore. ~ By Melissa Long-Monette Intellectually I know that Canada is no better than any other country. Emotionally I KNOW that Canada is the best country in the world! [This message has been edited by Balladeer (03-20-2010 05:11 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2010 Melissa P. Long-Monette - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
A beautiful poem, patootie...excellent words and wonderful style. You done real good here!  |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
~~What a relief that you edited my poem for me, Michael! LOL thank you!! I'm so much of a perfectionist that even the smallest of errors drives me nuts lol And it's always a top honour to have you read and comment on my poetry....you're the best of the best and I still want to learn amap from you! So Michael from what you can see is the meter/flow perfect? If not, what? Or any suggestions? I won't be a typical woman and I'll listen I promise  |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Melissa, the meter/ rhythm is 99% perfect. The one percent lies with the word canny beginning the second stanza. It throws the meter off. You need a word there with the accent on the second syllable, not first. Considering the amount of lines, to maintain the iambic flow that perfectly through all of the other lines is absolutely awesome and I salute you. The lines flow like honey. The only other thing I would have issue with is "don’t take the dreams of which I cleave." I believe TO which I cleave is more grammatically correct. It's a beautiful job, patootie  |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
Yes indeed you are, of course, correct! Thanks again Michael!  Methinks I'll have to ask you to edit my poem again soon LOL Just give me some time to think of a good word/words to replace canny with! I just liked the word canny because I've never used it in any of my poems and I was intent on using it no matter what....so that just proves that one cannot force poetry to work on account of stubborness lol And I'll have to replace "of" with "to" I'm shaking my head at myself for choosing "of" over the obvious "to!" duh! LOL But I'm happy that finally after all these years I am better at meter, I don't know why I struggled so much with it before. However, all that you've taught me in the past (along with a few others helping me) has greatly influenced my progress. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Much better, miss |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Beautiful poetic dirge. I've always liked poetic reasoning and this is great! Eric |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
... but Poe would have smiled...  |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
I love the tune that your words elicit. Love, Margherita |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
This poem sings. Ida |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
This poem sings, Melissa. Ida |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
This poem sings, Melissa. Ida |
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Chalmette Guy Senior Member
since 2009-03-11
Posts 1257Louisiana |
I love your beautiful couplets you've got going on here. Very nice. Love to read you. |
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Richy Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 3050 |
Melissa, this is breathtaking, what a wonderful job you did, I am a big fan of your's. Keep up the great work! Richard |
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LindsayP Member Elite
since 2007-07-28
Posts 3410Australia, Victoria |
Dear Melissa, you have written a masterpiece here, a real delight to read The rhyme and rythym is spot on. keep up your fine way of writing. Much enjoyed. Lindsay |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
I wish I could bust phat rhymes. Or any rhymes. Jealous. -Paul Fall in love early, fall in love often. |
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