navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #46 » Poetry of Life
Open Poetry #46
Post A Reply Post New Topic Poetry of Life Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
CrEaTuRe
Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 260
Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia

0 posted 2010-03-04 10:10 PM



Living fast, living hard,
In this world I walk alone,
Momentary connections seem,
To turn my heart to stone.

I remember the simple times,
As a child living in grace,
And struggled as I became,
Part of the modern race.

Untouched by the passion,
Hoping for what may be,
I wore the mask of uncaring,
Until you gave the poetry of life to me.

Blessed,
Jazvina Lahre

Love CoMeS To ThOsE WhO Still HoPe AlThOuGh They've BeeN DiSaPpOiNteD,To ThOsE WhO StiLL BeLiEvE AlThOuGh ThEy'Ve BeeN BeTraYeD,LoVe KeEpS ThEm GoInG

© Copyright 2010 Jazvina Lahre - All Rights Reserved
Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
1 posted 2010-03-05 05:37 AM


Dear Jazvina,

yes we are blessed when life becomes a poem in this way.

This is very beautiful.

Love,
Margherita

qwertyportne
Junior Member
since 2010-03-04
Posts 19
CA
2 posted 2010-03-05 01:03 PM


CrEaTuRe,

You've got something very interesting here. Thanks for posting it. Let me begin by saying that telling rather than showing makes a poem writer rather than reader centered. Abstractions (telling) merely convey how the writer feels, which puts the reader outside the poem, whereas images (showing) bring the reader into the poem by triggering their feelings through their senses. The following is one way to do a bit more showing than telling. It rearranges the cause and effect relationships and tightens up the poem by deleting words and phrases that don't carry their own weight. It's probably a bit too short but might give you some ideas of how to revise it your own way.

Living hard,
my heart is stone.
Moving fast,
I walk alone.

The child in me,
untouched by faces in the crowd --
frozen masks like mine
until you set me free.

It's also my opinion that the title doesn't fit what your poem is saying. It grabbed my attention, made me want to read your poem, but after reading it, I still wanted something about the poetry of life. If you leave it as the title, I'd suggest you find ways to show the reader what the poetry of life is, how the "you" in the poem gave it to the narrator and then get very specific about how that changed the narrator's life.

Hope something I said helps your revision. As I said, you have something very interesting going on here...

--Bill

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #46 » Poetry of Life

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary