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Open Poetry #46
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firechild
Junior Member
since 2009-05-18
Posts 14


0 posted 2010-01-15 01:42 AM



he just stood there..
Immersed
within himself
quietly mystified
in the absence
of soothing words
and pierced
by daggers of deception
as it rained
seeping through
marshlands of reason
hopelessly
astray
like the answers
he so desperately
need
seek
now strewn
among
arctic winds
as it howl, swirl
upon the fabric
of time

silence
the cries
of his tortured soul…


© Copyright 2010 firechild - All Rights Reserved
Klassy Lassy
Member Elite
since 2005-06-28
Posts 2187
Oregon
1 posted 2010-01-16 08:35 AM


Welcome to PIP!

Ohhh, how desolate and lonely ..  Home seems far when your heart breaks and the rain is within as well as without and there is not place to turn.  You painted the scene so well written and I was drawn right into the isolation and sadness instantly!  

(I do have one suggestion: changing the words "need" and "seek" to past tense unifies the poem with prior lines.  If it were my poem, I would use the word "sought" once to replace both words.)

Karen   

noman
Junior Member
since 2009-12-26
Posts 18

2 posted 2010-01-18 12:26 PM


I like this.
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