»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #47
»
Santa Speedo Run
| Open Poetry #47 |
|
Santa Speedo Run |
|
Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
Santa Speedo Run By: Lisping Hibiscus 12/2/10 Ho ho ho, come and tag along, in nothin' but a Santa Hat and a red V-Back Thong, we'll guzzle up a few beers from the boot, (L'Acchaim!) it doesn't matter if you're clean-shaven or histute! I know you have the body to pull it off, all in the name of a good cause! (Huzzah!) So brave the cold and have some fun, chasin' the pale frigid December sun, twenty city blocks at the Santa Speedo Run! * Every Christmas season, you bet I'll get my festive fix, I export more powdered snow than the Heilongjiang Province, I ring more silver bells than Mykola Leontovych, and make spirits brighter than all of downtown Natchitoches. I re-enact "Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus", at 115 West Ninety-Fifth Street, right on her front lawn, in the form of a puppet show, where my friends form flash mobs, dressed as fairies, crawling like ants and eating Ganzeltopf. Yes, all my friends think I've had too much cranberry kissel, ah, but this year I'm craving more than just Bûche de Noël! Word has it the North 45 Degrees Pub is hosting, a historic first for this town that will leave eyes bulging! Now this time, instead of overreaching and thinking big, I'm gonna do some downsizing, be a minimalist! Less is more and next to nothing, curiously enough! So take it all off and jingle that thong like Aubrey Huff! (That's the holiday spirit, now!) * Ho ho ho, come and tag along, in nothin' but a Santa Hat and a red V-Back Thong, we'll guzzle up a few beers from the boot, (L'Acchaim!) it doesn't matter if you're clean-shaven or histute! I know you have the body to pull it off, all in the name of a good cause! (Huzzah!) So brave the cold and have some fun, chasin' the pale frigid December sun, twenty city blocks at the Santa Speedo Run! * My girlfriend told me: "Are you insane? Have you thought this through? You'll look like an idiot! You might get arrested too! Think of all those kibitzers with their Nokia N8's! You'll flood Facebook news feeds and become YouTube's latest jape! I said, "Hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do! (I'd kill to be as famous as spacelord72!) When there's an open mind, there will always be a frontier, I ain't no clay pigeon, I'm doin' this for me, you hear? And I'm doin' this for the kids, for all event proceeds, will benefit Cradles to Crayons, a great charity, that provides local children with textbooks and school supplies! For the spirit of Christmas feeds the hunger of (wo)mankind!" She said, "What if it's snowing? You'll get hypothermia!" I said, "Don't trust the weatherman and his hyperbola! Besides, in Boston they've braved it through the black ice and slush, at below-freezing temperatures! They ain't daft as a brush!" She replied, "Well don't come crying to me if you slip up, and finish up with chondromalacia patellae!" I answered back, "Hey, that's exactly why we do stretches! In fact, along the route we pause to do calisthenics! They've been known to improve the muscle's elasticity, and reaffirm comfortable muscle tone, specifically. Squat thrusts! Russian twists! Jumping jacks and One Half Locusts! Elbow circles! Crosscut Lunge! Flutter-kicking chauvinist! Yep, don't need no Alexander Method or Feldenkrais, to keep your heart-rate up and condition that supple spine, no Wunda Chairs or Pedi-Poles as used in pilates, we jocks rock it like it's the Battle of Thermopylae!" She cocked her head peevishly, and breathed: "You don't even drink!" I said, "You're right! Ninkasi's legacy just ain't my thing! I suppose it has something to do with how I was raised! Like when I'd go with my dad to these college football games... ...and we'd sit there in the twelfth row of Section 23, at Autzen Stadium to cheer the Ducks to victory... ...and I recall one fateful October day years ago, when they were playing the USC Trojans there at home... ...and right after the Ducks won a nail-biter of a bowl, the crowd noise reached 128 decibels, and this guy behind me must have screamed louder than Jill Drake, only to then hurl a sour-lager-vomit bouquet. I had never felt so violated in all my life, to the point any scent of beer can leave me traumatized! But pubs must serve Nicaraguan Negroni Punch, indeed! Or probably a Scroogedriver or Pravda Mintini!" She appeared to be cooling down, winking with a sly grin, then added: "When will you be back here, my Frosty Noggin?" as she caressed my hair and wrapped me in a deep warm hug, pecking me with an Eskimo kiss snow owls must dream of. And I kissed her back on the lips, then said: "Oh, pretty fast! It's Finals Week! Most those college students datebooks are crammed! By 4 PM, they won't be nailing their hues to the mast! Trust me, I'll be back to start some cider in a flash!" (It's go time!) * Ho ho ho, come and tag along, in nothin' but a Santa Hat and a red V-Back Thong, we'll guzzle up a few beers from the boot, (L'Acchaim!) it doesn't matter if you're clean-shaven or histute! I know you have the body to pull it off, all in the name of a good cause! (Huzzah!) So brave the cold and have some fun, chasin' the pale frigid December sun, twenty city blocks at the Santa Speedo Run! * Skip to my closet, adoring myself in the mirror, I hardly possess the body of a bodybuilder, I'll never have the trapezius of Serge Nubret, but I've still got some mighty fine damn sexy quadriceps! I slip on that aforementioned silky red V-back thong, (Love how it accentuates the roundness of my bon-bon!) then I slap on a pair of string light candy cane stockings, and shoes shaped just like sugar cookies, smothered with frosting. Next, a pair of ski goggles with a Christmas wreath framing, and twinned "No L" (get it.....NO L!) earrings all jangling, and last but not least my springy Santa hat on my head, mottled with jingle bells and the perfume of gingerbread. I hoist a bag of clothes to change into on my shoulder, then scud out like I'm Winter Solstice's chief stakeholder! Setting to Moravian motion a full sail wassail, that's foreordained to render obsolete the Beaufort scale! Join us, kick up your "32 Feet and Eight Little Tails", get out of those redingotes, windbreakers and farthingales! Bring a torch (I mean a fake one) Jeanette, Isabella! And recite "Dominick the Donkey" in a capella! aussieBUMS, Joe Boxers, Saxx Apparels and C-IN2's, Agent Provacateurs, Maidenforms and EVA Dessous, organic cotton, bamboo, microfiber or guipure, suit yourself, show 'em what you've got, we ain't being demure! Follow that used 2WD GMC pickup, vamping reindeer antlers and decked with baubles and hyssop! Stay together! Lest we forget, the streets are NOT closed down! So stay on the right side of the street, and pace yourself now! Be my guest! High-five all the holiday shoppers abound! And don't forget to stretch at every stop light we flag down! The last thing you would want for Christmas is a Baker's Cyst! So drop down and give the course marshall twenty-five crunches! We'll even take a detour at the REI outlet, and run a lap around their store like Jack Frost at recess! You'll keep feelin' the burn, your nose won't even catch a chill, hotfoot it like a cricket on the hearth at nimble will! Wow, we just crossed the finish line! My legs feel like rubber! With all that ballyhoo you just drew, Yule Be So Poplar, egressing that largesse so we can help make spirits bright! Let's hope we're setting a trend that'll stand the tests of time! Woot Woot! We sure as Krampus looked smack-dab mischievous, like we were protesting the Census of Quirinius! I'm sure I'll be featured on the Ten O'Clock News tonight! Now if you will excuse me... (holds mouth) ...I need to go chuck some Christmas cookies! (Christ Alive!) Ho ho ho, come and tag along, in nothin' but a Santa Hat and a red V-Back Thong, we'll guzzle up a few beers from the boot, (L'Acchaim!) it doesn't matter if you're clean-shaven or histute! I know you have the body to pull it off, all in the name of a good cause! (Huzzah!) So brave the cold and have some fun, chasin' the pale frigid December sun, twenty city blocks at the Santa Speedo Run! . . . (hysterical laughter) (Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters? Because they both drop their needles! Ahahahahahaha!!! ...ohhhhh, there goes the hot buttered rum...) * * "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other" Mother Teresa |
||
| © Copyright 2011 Nadia Lockheart - All Rights Reserved | |||
suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
My dear Noah, you've put such images into my head I'm going to have to take my brain out and scrub it... a quick spritz of windex just won't do! LOL I think I'll celebrate the holidays in a tamer, more boring manner. LOL I do hope you have a good time... even if downtown Natchitoches at Christmas can't be beat!!! (That's my ole stompin' grounds! LOL) |
||
|
JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Enjoyed...sounds like eye candy for the women...now if we could just talk the women into participating...that would be a Merry Christmas...James |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
