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Open Poetry #47
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branch and root - please critique
| Open Poetry #47 |
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branch and root - please critique |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
branch and root in tan sandals and frayed gloves, feet tap and fingers arch those palms and soles, their callouses etched like initials in old bark your weathered limbs and guitar neck, carved from the same mahogany spine the notes come by sunlight and leave their thoughts lisping through your mind until dark fingers still marching through chords on tabletops song vibrates deep and glottal in the back of your throat twilight comes and the notes still pace, restless in your marrow your feet wander, treading like fingertips on steel strings rooting you where you did not choose to go |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Eminor, I will leave it to others to critique; as for myself, I felt the strum to time and wondered at your ability to play my soul so well. Thank you. |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Sorry, no critique - other than a subject after my heart, and portrayed with exquisite mastery. Loved it from the depth of its roots, to its highest leaf. Owl |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
I would have liked to have critiqued this amazing poem, but since it was an amazing poem it left no room for critique, my friend. There are SO many phrases and word combination that just grabbed me in this. Things like . . . "callouses etched like initials in old bark" and . . . "guitar neck" and . . . "fingers still marching through chords on tabletops" and . . . "restless in your marrow" I could have just put the complete poem here as quotable, it was/is that good. ~ Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. ~ |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
thanks for reading, and for your replies. |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
eminor, I'm curious as to what you wanted critiqued. Your poem if I'm not mistaken is written in free verse. Therefore the only possible critique would be as to content ( non-applicable) or, imagery, which you seem quite adequite at, or possibly flow. But hey, maybe it's just me. Doc |
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katahdin Senior Member
since 2010-07-01
Posts 1196ME. In the Shadow of the Mt. |
Nice!! Enjoyed! Kat >^..^< |
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Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
eminor friend....this poem is several bites of gourmet entree..I savored them as follows..just to show you how I digested them only..how they sizzled into my minds eyes>> in tan sandals and frayed gloves feet tap and fingers arch those palms and soles their callouses etched like initials into old bark your weathered limbs and guitar neck carved from the same mahogany spine those notes come by sunlight and leave their thoughts lisping through your mind until dark with fingers still marching through chords on tabletops song vibrates deep and glottal in the back of your throat twilight comes and the notes still pace restless in your marrow your feet wander treading like fingertips on steel strings rooting you where you did not choose to go |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
I, too, enjoyed your poem - but I found Dark's structure easier to read. Let's heare more. Alison |
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Spiros Zafiris Senior Member
since 2002-10-20
Posts 982Canada |
..very nice one.. |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
I agree - I like Dark's version. Line breaks are definitely an area for improvement. Thanks for reading, everyone. |
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Angel4aKing Senior Member
since 2006-09-27
Posts 1372USA |
No critique necessary....very good and vivid! ~~~kingsangel~~~ |
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