untitled - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Open Poetry #47

untitled

porky118
Junior Member

since 2011-03-31

Posts 15
minnesota

0 posted 2011-05-17 01:59 PM

Hi baby,
you make me so happy weather you know it or not.We could be happy thats what i said from the start. I am so happy knowing you are the one that i want for the rest of my days. Yea for the rest of my days. Your looking so cool your looking so fly. I cant deny that i stare into your eyes. Lost is what i am and i try not to be petrafied. I want to be the person you want. I want to be the one you need. Its just so hard to conceive that someone like you could wanna be with me. It would be easier knowing your mine its all because the grass is greener on the other side.

"LIL-ROMEO"

Brian James
Member

since 2005-06-26

Posts 147
Winnipeg

1 posted 2011-05-17 02:51 PM

Looks & sounds like song lyrics.  You encourage constructive critiques so I won't be shy.

I'd break it into individual lines to make it easier for reading.  I would also put more emphasis on the main theme of the poem and come around to it a little more.  You're describing your feelings and that looks a little disorganized.  Your best sentiment is that knowing she's the one you want makes you happy.  I'd dwell on each of these sentiments a bit more.

Thanks for sharing your poetry!  If this is based on a true story, good luck.

porky118
Junior Member

since 2011-03-31

Posts 15
minnesota

2 posted 2011-05-19 07:10 PM

thanks ill take that into consideration on my next one

twistedpup
Member

since 2011-02-25

Posts 115

3 posted 2011-08-09 03:08 PM

i have a "constructive" critisisum for you, who ever this "baby" is (me) she is one lucky girl to have a guy like you!

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.