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Accusation
| Open Poetry #47 |
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Accusation |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana 
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This one a little too personal I guess. Still, it has to come out, even now. <><><> I recall sitting on your knee, Even then it was all hush-hush. Your facemask comes to worry me, You held me tight as though to crush You mock and say ungrateful child, With cruel mouth so tightly sewn. My thoughts recall being reviled, Many a night I cried alone. Now you seek me out from your grave, How hurtful it is for me. Me, ungrateful child n'er forgave, You scald my heart then laugh with glee. The stars shudder and fade away, The earth quivers as you spoke. This ungrateful child asked and You lied back then the truth I sought. ~ Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? ~ |
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| © Copyright 2011 Jerry Pat Bolton - All Rights Reserved | |||
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
I am very sad this is true - and sadly I understand only too well, obviously not the same details, but far too many of my own. I am glad it is coming out for you, albeit so long after. I handled them pretty well at the time but it was less easy the older I got - for a long while - and I have now put most of mine behind me a long time ago, but the repercussions linger . . . fortunately for me I am very tough, though being tough has often been my enemy - I think for you too, if I may be so bold to say so, though stand to correction if I am wrong. Compassionate hugs Owl |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Jerry, I don't believe in "too" personal. Poetry is personal. Yes, you shared a deeply personal experience(s) here. I have too. I do for a few reasons. First, this is part of who I am. Second, writing helps me work the past to a point that I feel better. Finally, I don't believe in keeping abuse in the closet. We should speak out. We should write about it. And - we should share. Maybe it makes people squirm. Maybe those are the people who need to hear the message the most. Good for you. I applaud you. Alison |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
Owl, I have "toughed" it all of my life. But, as you say, the older I get the worse some thing are to fight, so I take to the pen. It is all I have left now. Alison, if not for poetry for the last few years of my life I don't know what, or where I would be. I also wrote my memoirs for my children, so they would have an inkling about why I wasn't there for them. My immediate family except one brother and his wife won't speak to me because of the things about my mother I put in it. They weren't there. I was sixteen years older than any of them. They don't know. Thanks both you Owl and Alison. ~ Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? ~ |
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dreamgal Member
since 2011-03-17
Posts 442 |
((hugs)) Jerry, thats first... Im sorry for what you had to go thru. I havent experienced this first hand myself, but lets just say someone I love very much came to me to tell me their experience a couple yrs ago and it devastated me. So in that respect I have some knowledge of what a victim goes thru. Not all for only the person that went thru it really knows. Writing is so healing as you said, so much is released in it. And even though I havent known you that long, I just wanted to reach out to another human being one I have grown to like very much as a great person and poet and say bravo to you for the courage to put it in your writing! God bless.... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Jerry, thank you very much for releasing the "personal"... and while I will not go into detail, let it suffice that I had some "personal" but my spouse had some of "your personal" and while it might be very similar; for each child, it is there very own hell. I would tell you, Sir, that you did well, but you might not want to hear it that way, so by what you might know of me, know that I hurt for you, and this memory.  |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
dreamgal and Sunshine, the physical part of my childhood was one thing. It was bad, but it was something I could grow out of, but it was the other thing that ripped me apart and I have never been able to heal. I came from a small town, very small, 700 people, dogs and cats. When I was sixteen I found out that I was adopted. I was sixteen before I knew and the whole little town had known all those years. When I confronted my parents (actually my mother was the "parent," my father was a beat down man) about what I'd heard they lied and said it wasn't true. Things got pretty bad after that lie and she compounded it with another, even worse lie, that my mother had been killed on her way to California. I'm not going to go into this much more here, but I tried everyone I knew in that little town to tell me who my mother was. And they knew, especially the older ones. They just looked away and said they didn't know what I was talking about. My uncle told me he couldn't tell me because he promised my mother he wouldn't. So there I was, sixteen years old and ready to face the world and this bothered me much more than some people believe it would, or should. I was primed to become that rebel with a cause, and I did for more decades than I want to admit. Personally, I think it was one of my aunts, but I doubt I'll ever know. So see, all this is just about someone wanting to know who their mother was. That I never asked about my father says so much. I've analyzed myself over the years. I learned to hate my mother because she deserved me hating her, but I only felt contempt for my father because he would not stand up to her. Not once the eighteen years I lived there did he stand up to her. I almost deleted what I've just wrote, but the hell with it, I'll let it stand. Thank you dreamgal and Sunshine. ~ Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? ~ |
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dreamgal Member
since 2011-03-17
Posts 442 |
Jerry, If it helps you to vent go for it! Sometimes its easier to say it without having to be face to face. Thats the beauty of pip, you can put sorrow, fear, happiness, lonliness all out in your writing, you clearly have been thru alot, and your brave for speaking just remember that my friend. Dreamgal |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
The only quibble I have with this is that you say it is "too personal". The person who attempts to write distance between what they write and who they are writes cold poetry. (And they fool themselves, too, the psychology always shows the source.) *soapbox ended* The hugs begin. Unresolved conflict leaves keloid scars on the persona, so you go ahead and write it all out.  |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
dreamgal, I may lay low for a while now. Thanks for you being here. "The person who attempts to write distance between what they write and who they are writes cold poetry." Sorry, serenity that I write cold poetry. Thanks for stopping by. ~ Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? ~ [This message has been edited by JerryPat2 (04-10-2011 11:06 PM).] |
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Lori Grosser Rhoden Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202Fair to middlin' of nowhere |
Dearest Jerry it feels good to hear you heal. You have, as is your forte, once again turned it into exquisite lemonade Lori |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
Yeah, I guess Lori. Somehow I don't feel all that good about it. ~ Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? ~ |
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faithmairee Senior Member
since 2011-01-05
Posts 1441Poe Haven, USA |
this is so sad, JerryPat...it hurts knowing what you had to go through...i survived a lot of abuse in my childhood so i know the hell it is to endure it...your poem is very moving There must be a poem in here somewhere. |
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Honeybunch Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-29
Posts 7115South Africa |
Hi, Jerry. I read this last night and it has been sitting with me ever since. I'm glad you let it out and equally glad you wrote your memoirs. I think you are well on the way to "finding God" - and maybe I need to explain that once I know exactly what I mean but meanwhile this "cleansing" exercise can only stand you in good stead. It's difficult for people who haven't been exposed to the "bad" side themselves to entertain it as a truth so don't be too hard on them. I was in a similar situation with a cousin of mine and steadfastly stood my ground with regards to viewing her in the context of our own personal relationship which was good and supportive but that only until ... she let her guard down and I saw for myself. I wish you well. Helen |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Jerry, if you look at my reply again, I think you'll discover that I was not saying that you write cold poetry. Quite the contrary. I find myself feeling offended that you seem to be offended... *nevermind* Let's just say you write from a place I know and understand. Great job.  I'll let ya be. |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
Funny you should mention about me "finding God," Helen, because I'm thirteen chapters into my next novel entitled, "God?" This story has been seething in the back of my mind for years. It's time has come. Serenity, I do seem to jump when I should heel. Looks like I would have conquered that ailment of mine after all this time. You're right. I'm wrong. ~ Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? ~ |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
I think everyone has their 'devil' to one degree or another, even those who seem to us to have lead "perfect" lives/up-bringings (not to lessen yours any), and I also believe devils like yours while sometimes unconquerable, can be bested. I believe, in the long run, you've done, and will continue to, do that. It's who you ARE that counts, especially when psychological history plays such a part in your life. And ultimately, though you may not feel that way, from the outside looking in, I think you've won. Good write, my friend. j. |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
Oh, I think you are right, j, about conquering the "devil." Sometimes I wonder if I really have though, when, at my age I am still chasing after the unattainable. Thank you for being here. ~ Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? ~ |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
After reading your gut-wrenching outpouring of emotions in your poem, I then went on to read the replies that you wrote in response to your readers' comments. All of them I felt to my very core. This may sound trite, but I believe it is true for many of us who have survived 'horror' stories as a child ~ pressures put upon us can eventually (hopefully!!!) turn us from an unshaped lump of nondescript coal into a multi-faceted diamond! I believe that to be true in your case! Look at all the books you've written and had published! You're shining, Jerry! You're shining! The past as ugly as it may have been has turned you into the fine, productive man that you are! Once you are able to let go of the past, all you will be left with is the glorious side of you with an abundance of wisdom, knowledge, experience, understanding, ~ and talent!  Love & Light, Linda |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
Linda, I am a bit overwhelmed with your comments. First of all I know that you are right in what you have stated. This "past" just flared up again, after I thought I had it whipped, or at least subdued. I have let go of the past, except for this tiny little part of it. My mother. I expect to die without ever knowing who she was. People have told me that maybe it would be better not to know. Maybe she was the kind of woman you wouldn't want to claim as mother. No, I don't care who she is, or was, I would just like to know. The very last lines in my memoirs says, "Also, if there is anyone who reads this book who knows the identity of my real mother and father, I would appreciate it if you would find a way to give me their names. Yes. I still need to know." Thank you Linda. ~ At the siege of Vienna in 1683 Islam seemed poised to overrun Christian Europe. We are in a new phase of a very old war. ~ |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
Hi Jerry, this is a very poignant poem ans story, something to be write, the comments are precious too to specify things and deep feeling that harbour the poem. Thanks a lot for sharing with a talented heart and mind. yann |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
Thanks, yann, for the nice words. ~ At the siege of Vienna in 1683 Islam seemed poised to overrun Christian Europe. We are in a new phase of a very old war. ~ |
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