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timothysangel1973
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Never close enough

0 posted 2011-01-21 11:51 PM



It's been a while since I posted this one.... ya'll enjoy!



         


Canto I
The Awakening



Through crackle of sound   that early June morn,
the creaking of old wood under my soles    As if -
this were an unfamiliar pace, one I had never made before
At that exact moment in time, the eighty-five year old
wood floor called to me   Howling my name   a melody.


Too many know my routine I have become predictable
apparently so    they know exactly what I will do
as my feet slide the old floor each morning -
they know    that I am here doing the ins and outs
of everyone else’s day, living their hours, not my own.


A Fleeting moment    every ache, every mistake
playing in my minds eye, glancing down     I realize
The floor creaks under my weight yet I have not moved
I'm erect, standing still      military drill   opening windows.


I aspire to sit next to the cheek of God, that close!
Though I know my own imperfections will always
stand in between me and self painfully so, I ask
what makes me continue on when I know -


Better than anyone...


That my balance is too far in one direction or the other
Hounded, harassed, named devious, aggressive and yes-
so very unappreciated, still I wake each day      to live
waiting for the breath of God to burst through me.


There is movement now among the soles of my feet
yet I move them not, though I can feel the walls
sliding past my shadow      I am propelled, unable to halt
thrown into the story, no longer telling it, but living it.

I am in that place of shadows now      inside my soul
no darkness, and the bright lights      oh how bright, vivid
sweet scent of lavender      and baby blue, if there is such
arms and legs, and soul move as fluid      drops of sweat.


It is here, between the lost and found that I halt
I must choose now     choose a voice, or the silence
silent screams before me, a shroud of mystery around
breath or suffocate     shall I stay or go, make a choice.


I can hear her, yet she has no face,  not one that can be seen


I feel her around me, beckoning my soul to move forward
move toward the light, only baggage, be your soul and mind
no need for reflections just yet, or memories of the past
she is in my mind, like yesterday     her voice I hear   singing.


"Now hear this...


You are a wild soul, held down   smothered by curiosities of life
denying your ancestral animal the right to roam the desert
and paint the cave wall.  Do you not wish to sing the song
of the women before, and after you sweet wolf woman?"



A single tear rolls fast from eyes unable to see the face,
the face of the one that asks these things of me, in dark-
i search with shaky hand to find     yet come away empty
she cannot be touched, or felt    she is in me     soul deep.


My ears hear like never before, I can even hum with her song
I do not know this song, yet I sing along in perfect time
da-dum, dum, dum, da-da-dum     sweet sounds I hear, scary
Sheer panic that I know these tunes     I miss not one single note.


Canto II
The Journey



"Come with my child, follow with your inner eye, let it -
Let it guide you to me, and away from me as I lead you
Make your steps swift and light, as we crunch past
memories of a time lived - let the shadow of memory guide."



Still, I cannot see her, she is so close     unable to touch
I am earthly and mortal    I crave to feel the voice that speaks
even so, without knowing     in odd peculiar manner  -  I follow
I am a curious child again, feeling fear, yet fearing not.


"Watch sweet wolf of mine.  Watch as I play your life
one bone at a time, it's real  - I have worn it for you long -
like a band of gold on my finger, it is yours, yet I have
kept it safe for you, here in the light of the shadow."



I feel each stab of envy and jealousy and hate that I have
sinfully harbored in my soul for many earthly years, and
all of a sudden I am shamed by the things I have done
I turn away       her hand reaches out and touches my chin  -


"Watch !  Look at your life with me.  Turn not away
you have been on the run far too long     this is it;
it is time to step into your shadow instead of wearing it
like a cloak to hide what you refuse to see of your soul."



I cry tears of a hundred years, each cry coming from there
that place     that place that I want not to see     it hurts
I want to keep it hidden     for there I dwell better than here
here I have to see it, and there it can just remain shadowed.


"You have to see the past to learn the steps of the dance
the dance with your soul that will save you from yourself
dance with her my lady, she deserves a worthy partner
and who better to hold her than you - the maker of her memories."



I heard "hold" as in actually reaching out and embracing yet,
when I moved my limbs to grab     they refused to cooperate
i repeated once, and again before realizing that I no longer
possessed  control of my own movement     I tested my legs...


"You won't be able to hold her with material flesh my wolf -
you must reach for her with your mind, and the eyes of so.
You must touch her with real purpose, and then take her into
the soul that is home and heart for you both.    Do it !"



I have not the strength to hold that which I am unable to touch
I can't, I won't!     It is all fruitless, someone please awaken me
wake me from this horrid dream that once felt so safe, yet now-
now I am afraid, this is all to mystical to me     I believe not.


In that which I cannot see


da-dum, dum, dum, da-da-dum    there it is again, perfect
perfect, flawless time, that same song from before
It is much, much louder now    smothering and drowning out
all thoughts, stripping me of negativity     I am naked now.


I hide to cover, just like Eve in the Garden     there is nothing
nothing to cover my flesh with    yet I am clothed in something
something that resembles the fur of an animal     course, yet
so warm, and perfectly colored gray and white and gray again.


I reach deep to speak, yet all I can do is make a howling sound
it bleeds from a place I knew no existence of     south of me
My hands shake, yet they never move     the tremble is sagacious
now it moves from limb to limb     until, finally the tremble is gone.


Canto III
Finding Herself



The light, the shadow and scent of sweet lavender and baby blue
they are among me once and again    yet something is so different
I am covered still in this thick fur, and now no longer erect, yet
on all fours, and I can see in the dark what I could not before.


My eyes search and find every dim spray of light    to have eyes
eyes that can see like this, I am not of human flesh anymore
I am made of something bigger,   and stronger,   and full of sight
sight that I have never known prior to this exact moment in time.


I order movement among the limbs that are now each on the floor
and they move    in a motion that is so swift and gentle,  like magic
I have never moved so beautifully    is this a walk, or a run    so swift
I can't draw a line between the two, my fours pound the ground below.


The moon above collides with sand and I see her, just a flash
so quick that without these eyes, I would have missed her
she is beautiful, yet hideous all at once      shall I run, or face her
I feel a tug at one foot, then another     leading me to her.


She holds something white in each hand, and she is singing
In my mind I ask what she is singing, and through psyche she answers,
she bangs these objects together in hand    bang, bang
"Hambre del alma"    she is singing to me the song -


The song of the starved soul, she leads me to water
for she knows that my soul is thirsty   to drink of life
a life better than that of which   I have so forever known
I walk toward the glistening stream,   and lower my head.


I gulp this fluid as if I will never drink again     I am parched
life has dried my soul, and its thirst is haunting     fear I am
once again at what I crave, just water    or more, I do not know
I have no answers, and the banging grows more intense.


I have sensitive ears now, not the human kind   these are electric
each sound is shocking, and blasts through my inner drum
like that of a thousand explosions    of rock against water -
I plead with her to stop the banging of the object    it's deafening.


She refuses to stop, and she continues to bang louder, louder more
I am still drinking the water, yet only sipping now      as I concentrate
on the sound that she won't stop making      now there are several
objects in each hand    so that it is even noisier than before.
da-dum, dum, dum, da-da-dum

***


Canto IV
The Song is finished



"Speak to me wolf-woman    ask what you need to know
make your questions worthy of my voice to answer, for this
this is your chance to show your bravery, and faith in that
which you do not understand, ask for what you crave deep."



I catch her eyes with my own, and have I not known her
I have,   I have known her for as many years as I have walked
my earthly home,   on two and not four,   before skin was fur
and I needed to cover because I felt shame     deep within.


Her eyes like fire, melting clouds of that same baby blue
she is tall and thin, short and round, she is everything at once
at once she is from there to here, in front of me    face to face
I can feel her breath on my soul      she looks into that part of me.


That was carefully hidden long ago   she can see it, free of mask
I feel shame again, and just as quick it is gone      and naked
naked I am again, yet not afraid      I feel free, free of it all
she reaches out and touches my hand with her own   and speaks.


"The last line of the song has been sung.  Over the mountains,
the valleys, through the trees, and the sand, each leaf has fallen
each storm has settled.  You are no longer a force of nature
you are nature, you are part of what gave you life."



I want to fall into her arms, yet I am solid     unable to move towards
or away from this hideously, beautiful, woman or creature   surely
I know not what she is,   she is towering above me now,   I realize
I am on four   while she remains on two staring down at me.


"You craved to sit next to the cheek of God, yet felt un-worthy of so
why did you ever doubt your beauty and strength.  God made you
and craves the same thing, yet you have fallen deep  -  deep into
a soul of shame, you have become all to everyone, and nothing to self."



I am unable to mutter a lie, or excuse    for she is right in her words
she knows the side of me that I can not let others witness, I in truth
do speak.   "I lost me." and realize that nothing more be said    three words
just three,    have completed my whole of existence as woman, and wolf.


"You must choose to leave it alone, choose not to punish your soul,
refuse to dwell on a past that you will never change, and then just as
swiftly and completely -  you must throw it abandon, then and only then
my woman~wolf, are you finally free to go..."



I still need to know what this song is that I have the urge to sing, still
I hear it, I am humming with it, she is singing it, and the objects in hand
they are now on the ground, coming together      raised up for me to see
its a figure, an animal of some sort       I want to touch it, for it is real.


"You have seen here what many women wolves never do - blessed
blessed are you to have taken this journey in its entirety and stayed
for the most beautiful sound of melody that a woman can make is this
for on this night my dear you have finally met your soul   - and
made her one with your inner self - you were with me...



Singing Over The Bones.


I have returned you to the wild tonight, find your mate
your cubs, your pack and cave and celebrate
the knowing that you are whole again - not lost, yet found
pure in thought, and content with running wild, and settling down."


Canto V
The Return



There I am again, feet on floor      just two this time again
the wooden floor cracking under the shift of weight as I
touch wall to steady and reassure my self that I am home
sounds of day making way    and I know that I am here.


I am in the hallway again,   and the clock shows no miss of time
it was as if I never made that journey to the water,   and sand
though    I feel no thirst, and I feel no shame, I am light in step
I am ready to take on the day,   whether it be their hours or mine.


Skin is skin again, yet I am still warm from the feel of fur
my eyes can see still, and even deeper than before,    the sounds
they are sharp and pleasing to my ears      not muffled or faint
I can hear sounds that I have never heard before - nature.


Outside the window, I see life through the wings of a bird
I see yesterday through the bark on the trees,    and there
there high in the clouds I can see      the face of God
which I have longed to see, He was always there, there with me.


I am no longer a prisoner of time, yet it's accomplishment
I have survived self destruction and I    am whole again,
through a dream,    an awakening in the hallway of my solid home -
on that eighty-five year old floor that refused to give way.


I learned a new song,   met the face and thirst of my soul
witnessed a pile of bones   reconstructed and set free
free to run again    and be wild    among her breath of life -
no longer smothered by the past    that I longed to forget.


I have a past, and it shall not define me,    but I say it shall
be a part of me that I never turn my back on -
it is the most important part of me,    for it brought me here
here    among the bones of the    woman that I am.

Canto VI
The Realization



Without being told   I know that there are a lot of explanations
that I as a woman, need to make   for I have abandoned my mate
even though, he has never left my side   and has continued to
keep our pack together and protected   when I was unable to do so.


The journey isn't over until I can reassure him that I am here
no longer away, and lost inside myself   I am back and I am free
free to love him, the way only a mate can love another
purely and without any condition or circumstance  his woman.


I belong to me, yet a promise that I have made him still holds
He and I so share a covenant   one that brings our heart and
soul together for eternity   you see very few can make and stand
by promises of such magnitude without losing self in the exchange.


I am guilty of such sin   I lost me   and was too afraid to look
for the woman that I knew was there   hidden deep within the
recesses of my soul.  He completed a part of my existence
It was upon me to complete and fill in the gaps   of my soul.


The day has finally come upon us   the day when my inner
freedom can sing to him   a mating song of a long forgotten
love   and the promise that I made him so many, many
moons, tides, winds and raindrops ago,   heart's storms.

Canto VII
Back To Her Mate



Sing this song with me m’love,    the song of remembrance
As I shed my old hair, for the thinner coat of summer
Meld your body to mine,    summoning the quickness of air
Forced from my lungs, as the bones have reconstructed.


We can dance now,   even provocatively if so we choose
A promise made, and kept      we can dance freely among the bones
They are complete now,   no more missing parts, no more
I,   we,   are free to love and honor the bond between us, at last.


In that midnight hour,   when you were long away from me
I painted our name on the cave wall,   stick written in dirt
The symbols of our reuniting,   that today has come to us
Like a wind passing through the canyon door     forever more.


La Loba promised that you would find me,   once I found myself
I no longer need be ashamed of the wild in me,   or need to howl
You and I,   haunted, hunted, and healed      found again
We shall move through time with no hesitance of the future.


Our past was made perfect when I chose to sing the song
I chose to dance the dance   of a hundred souls before me
I listened for once,    instead of talking of my own stupidity.


I am finally free... For La Loba said so


I may hate myself in the morning - but I'm gonna love you tonight
-Lee Ann Womack


© Copyright 2011 Tima Chavis Cooke - All Rights Reserved
Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere
1 posted 2011-01-22 11:36 AM


This was a deep enchanting tale of self discovery, empowerment and love. I was captivated.
Lori

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