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How The Scene Plays Out
| Open Poetry #47 |
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How The Scene Plays Out |
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Jaki H Member
since 2008-01-19
Posts 232NJ, USA |
I won't go into details, but this image is something that pops into my head quite often. I just felt like writing it all down. Honest comments please! -jaki H How the Scene Plays Out -------------------- Looking back, She could hear the birds chirping And the sun rising slowly on the horizon “the start of another new day” she thought. “Well, at least it won’t involve me.” She turned her attention to the scene before her, Gingerly lifted one dainty pale-toed foot, And skimmed the water The tip of the iceberg that would sink her titanic fears The scene was simple, serene The trees were a brilliant autumn yellow, With leaves that smelled of cinnamon, and lavender tea. Behind her, the bridge, Silver, manmade, yet elegant in its carving. In the rising sunlight, it shone like a newly polished nickel “The lake. Right, focus. The lake.” The air grew dense with suspension She could feel her mind slip from her body, Disassociating once again, To watch the spectacle from above. Front row seats. It was time. She stepped into the clean, fresh, sparking water, Suddenly becoming aware of just how heavy her dress really was How it hung in beautiful drapes from her shoulders Like a blanket of pure white innocence And snow She waded out as far as possible, Working hard to stay afloat The lonely platform at the lake’s center Called out for her And she came “The center of the lake. The platform. Halfway done. Grab the ladder, Hoist yourself up, Now the real fun begins.” On the platform, She saw them lying before her. Gingerly, she picked them up “oh yes, quite heavy indeed.” And she strapped them, tied them, laced them To her delicate white ankles, Beneath the delicate white dress, That suggested innocence and purity. -Her stains were internal, and worn for years And then, the race! A battle for time. Race against her will, against her body, Against everything she was taught, For everything she ever felt. Her mind against her physical. The weights were strapped to the ankles She jumped. She sank! Deep and clear, oh how beautiful the picture Sinking, sinking, straight down, Her dress all a blur. The light from the surface, Reminiscent of heaven The breath ran out, The ruby mouth opened to scream But the only sounds were the sounds of her choking! Her life force kicked in, she fought. Twisting and turning and blurring and screaming, Crying and dying and clawing for salvation But heaven was too far away. She had just enough time to hit the bottom It was sandy, just as she had hoped. Confused and terrified, She laid back, Closed her eyes- Game over She had won, She had lost. |
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| © Copyright 2011 Jacqueline M. H. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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XGarapanX Senior Member
since 2008-06-19
Posts 1435Antarctica |
As far as the writing goes, it's decent enough. It seems as if the fundamentals are there at first glance and is a solid foundation for the scene. But I found myself unable to empathize with the girl, probably for lack of description of the many emotions that were surely welling up in her heart at some point, and lack of insight as to what put her in this position. I think that the subject matter might reveal itself to be a little disturbing for many people, which most cannot help. And a bad ending tends to sour in the mouth, regardless the beauty of the writing, but I understand that it is what it is. All in all I think you can do this kind of writing, with practice and a thoughtful consideration of how to stir the reader's feelings a bit more deeply. ·´~`·»Garapan«·´~`· "Look! Crumbs on his jacketses... Heeee took it!" |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
I think it's hard to think of "sinking" as beautiful even though you expressed it well. It too often comes true in other ways...today |
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Jaki H Member
since 2008-01-19
Posts 232NJ, USA |
to me, sinking is beautiful. i know its technically incorrect, and i wont go into details, but i wrote this poem to deal with something ive been dealing with for a while. hope you liked it, despite the weird portrayal of drowning. also, i know i left out emotions, thats definately a great point. I probobly shouldnt have posted this specific poem... i wrote it for myself, not really for others to relate to. i get these images in my head of random scenes like this. to me, the girl feels numb and nothing. I had no real intentions of making the poem relatable to other people. but again, thats just me, and my personal issues. Sorry I should have clarified! Thanks for the honesty though! Maybe I'll make a second edition of this, including feelings and such! -Jaki |
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