navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #47 » Hands in the Dark
Open Poetry #47
Post A Reply Post New Topic Hands in the Dark Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
JDH
Junior Member
since 2009-03-29
Posts 12
Illinois, U.S.

0 posted 2011-01-07 11:45 AM



Holding Hands in the Dark
 
 
Slouching lazily on the grassy lakeside,
 
I stare out at the peacefully tired water
 
as the last ripples die away like we were never there.
 
I try to reminisce of the days nautical adventures,
 
but my mind is clearly intent on only one thing.
 
She sits beside me like she has been all day.
 
Her olive skin eagerly soaks in the days fading rays.
 
Channeling my mind, the breeze tosses her chocolate hair
 
away from her hazel eyes.
 
Not a word passes our lips,
 
yet stolen glances, nervous giggles,
 
and the magnetic electricity between us
 
paints an awkward and beautiful picture
 
of love desperately aching to become Love.
 
So many times, her hand has has rested in mine,
 
yet I now feel as if I've never touched it...
 
I've never felt it.
 
Like a restless child on Christmas Eve,
 
I wish for the falling day to fall a little faster
 
so I can hold her hand in the dark.
 
This moment is ours and ours alone.
 
This beginning belongs to her and I.
 
Patiently, I await the final gasp
 
of the sky's glaring spotlight.
 
Under a cloak of warm, inviting darkness,
 
our hands begin a short, amazing journey
 
towards each other.
 
Inch by inch we come closer
 
to crashing into the unknown.
 
Our fingers meet with a gentle touch.
 
Our hearts meet with the fever
 
of the blazing sun we left behind.
 
 
 
Jeremy Halstead  



© Copyright 2011 JDH - All Rights Reserved
ethome
Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada
1 posted 2011-01-07 12:29 PM


Whew! That's warm even after dark.
Very sensuous writing Jeremy.
I enjoyed the journey down the page.

Welcome to PIP
I know you'll enjoy your time spent here.

Eric

XGarapanX
Senior Member
since 2008-06-19
Posts 1435
Antarctica
2 posted 2011-01-07 12:32 PM


This is wikid great poetry. The only thing that kind of hurts poetry for me is when folks write subjectively using the "I" word a lot. I try to encourage people to try writing without it unless absolutely necessary to the plot. But really, this is good. Thanks!

·´~`·­»Garapan«­·´~`·  "Look! Crumbs on his jacketses... Heeee took it!"

JDH
Junior Member
since 2009-03-29
Posts 12
Illinois, U.S.
3 posted 2011-01-07 12:53 PM


Garapan, you're right about the overuse of that particular pronoun.  Although the limitations on my ability sometimes make it difficult for me to curb that bad habit, this was pretty much just a first person story (perhaps closer to prose than free verse).  Still, I probably could have found ways around using it so much...good feedback, thanks.  
Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
4 posted 2011-01-07 01:15 PM


Very lovely romantic poem.

Margherita

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere
5 posted 2011-01-07 01:23 PM


Romantic stuff ya got goin' there, very nice!
Lori

faithmairee
Senior Member
since 2011-01-05
Posts 1441
Poe Haven, USA
6 posted 2011-01-07 01:32 PM


i love the gentle feel of this poem and how romantic it is...often times with long poems my mind begins to wander but you held my attention in this lovely piece...hey, imho nothing beats a great love poem

There must be a poem in here somewhere.

dgvarner
Member Elite
since 2000-05-13
Posts 3552
High Springs, Florida
7 posted 2011-12-13 01:38 PM


Fantastic!  I love "Love" in the darkness...   Somehow darkness makes honesty ever present, doesn't it...? All the honest feelings are able to express themselves without so much fear and hesitation.  

And I don't feel you used "I" too much...  Loved it!
g

"...Never regret anything that made you smile..."

jwesley
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563
Spring, Texas
8 posted 2011-12-13 02:10 PM


Good write, my friend, and I find nothing wrong with the use of I.  

I don't read a piece as an autobiography but as a written work that has to stand on it's wording/phrasing and (for lack of a better word) artistic value.

j.

ebonygirl
Member Elite
since 2011-07-14
Posts 2000
California U.S.A
9 posted 2011-12-13 02:37 PM


Enjoyed the intimacy in the dark,
Ms. E

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353
Michigan, USA
10 posted 2011-12-15 07:43 AM


Excellent imagery!  Enjoyed your poem.
JerryPat2
Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975
South Louisiana
11 posted 2011-12-15 08:48 AM


Don't know how I missed this. Love the poem. Love the way you built a setting the reader could readily conceive and appreciate. Very romantic.

~*~ If they give you lined paper, write sideways. ~*~

JDH
Junior Member
since 2009-03-29
Posts 12
Illinois, U.S.
12 posted 2011-12-15 09:42 AM


Thanks everybody
Marchmadness
Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271
So. El Monte, California
13 posted 2011-12-15 02:47 PM


Welcome to PIP, JDH. Classy romance. Just the way it should be done.    
                               Ida

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #47 » Hands in the Dark

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary