navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #45 » sentence
Open Poetry #45
Post A Reply Post New Topic sentence Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738


0 posted 2009-12-17 05:25 PM


I did an inquiry of them--
my words were found heretical,
and they ought indeed, be bound,
my journeys to be
burned at dawn,
along with thought
those children born
of my demonic dalliance
that which took up residence:
my mind, mine heart, my very skin
is forever scarred by sin;

this pestilence,
I missed the mark
condemned to bear the weight

(repent!)

this language, once so elegant.
desecrated by mere whim:
The raging beasts that stood within
the temple built by sharper pens
is but a folly of time spent
scratching lines to mark the days
in the tower where I played,
pretending I was to be wed
denying that I'm filled with dread

as I await the sun, the stake,
two stones shall ignite the blaze

ashes chant no eulogy:

"serenity"

at last.


[This message has been edited by serenity blaze (12-19-2009 03:09 AM).]

© Copyright 2009 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved
Juju
Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429
In your dreams
1 posted 2009-12-17 05:37 PM


I liked this one.

Juli

-Juju

-"So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts " Silent all these Years, Tori Amos

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

2 posted 2009-12-17 05:59 PM


Thank you Juju, as generous as you are beautiful, perhaps you could help?

I find myself faltering in my rhythms (which I no longer pretend to call meter, *ahem*) when I read the following line:

"two stones that shall spark the blaze"

Any suggestions are welcome and considered.

And yep, still too Dr. Seussian for my taste, but I never liked me much anyway. But I do thank you.

divine chaos
Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617
dancing 'neath the moon
3 posted 2009-12-17 10:09 PM


love this, serenity

(you might try "ignite" instead of spark .. it seems to hold the rhythm)

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

4 posted 2009-12-17 10:12 PM


thank you...very much. The difference of one, syllable. *hugs*

I'll change it. Much appreciate the input.

The Lady
Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634
The Southwest
5 posted 2009-12-18 12:18 PM



your work always amazes me
the workings of your mind trip me up
hold me
I love this

therightside
Member
since 2009-12-09
Posts 64
USA
6 posted 2009-12-18 03:14 PM


Again, incredible use of words. Have genuinely enjoyed reading your work and look forward to reading more. Perhaps in the line you are discussing, simply remove the word 'that'. Nonetheless, fantastic work.
Capricious
Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 89
California, USA
7 posted 2009-12-19 02:57 AM


quote:
The raging beasts that stood within
the temple built by sharper pens
is but a folly of time spent
scratching lines to mark the days
in the tower where I played,
pretending I was to be wed
denying that I'm filled with dread


Someone call the textbook writers, this imagery deserves to be TAUGHT instead of just READ...

One small nitpick though, you go from "pretending" (past tense) to "I'm filled with dread" (present) which, while it might indeed still be true in the present, is still a bit jarring in the transition.

Did I mention I love this?  

~L

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

8 posted 2009-12-19 03:12 AM


rightside? I lost the "that" and I think it works much better, and so I thank you much.

A heavy topic always seems pretentious to me, though, but I like spitting on my own stave.



and MissL? I would put myself under your tutelage for a year or twelve days...I admire you so, but my hormones are so contricious.



thank you

and nodding, Mz. L? I have always had probs with noun/verb agreement, so thanks you. <---SEE?

Magnus
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA
9 posted 2009-12-19 10:01 AM


You are really quite good at this....

Barry

Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
10 posted 2009-12-19 06:19 PM


Really impressive stuff, dear Karen!

You ignite the grey matter!

Love,
Margherita

Marchmadness
Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271
So. El Monte, California
11 posted 2009-12-19 06:23 PM


Your poetry always intrigues me, Karen.I find my thoughts dancing with yours.
                                Ida

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #45 » sentence

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary