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MadMarcus
Junior Member

since 2009-11-25

Posts 25
Sweden, Solna

0 posted 2009-11-25 04:40 PM

It´s cold outside,
The snow is falling slowly from the sky,
I´m standing outside your house,
Looking towards your window,
Praying that you will look outside,
That you see me just once,
So i never no more need to feel the cold that the a world without you brings my heart,
If your eyes just for a moment of time would gaze upon me,
My heart would light up with a fierce fire so that i never would be cold again,
I would be happy,
Happy knowing,
That even if you dont love me,
Atleast you did see me once,
And thats all i need,
Becuse,
I love you...

(I´m kinda new to poems,my first ever puplished poem, be nice, but still give me something so i can improve^^)

I´ll bear this pain untill the day i day, then my heart will stop, the pain will go away, but my love will never disapear.

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

1 posted 2009-11-26 07:00 AM

Welcome to Pip!

I love the image of falling snow and you in quiet wait for her gaze ... Your words are lovely...

... but I do hope you will find the courage to address her more directly.

Silent admirers can be quite disquieting you know ... you stirred some memories from the past.

Love,
Margherita

sandgrain
Member Elite

since 1999-09-21

Posts 3662
Sycamore, IL, USA

2 posted 2009-11-26 08:27 PM

Welcome! This piece clearly shows the joy in waiting to be recognized, even for a moment. Thanks for sharing it here.

One thing I wondered:
Is the 'no more' necessary in the 7th line or can it just be deleted?

God bless,
Rae

Bill Charles
Member Patricius

since 2000-07-11

Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now

3 posted 2009-11-26 08:36 PM

MadMarcus - nice write for a first posting. It would read smoother but for a couple of mispellings...

BC

MorningStar
Member

since 2009-10-26

Posts 290
Pittsburgh, Pa

4 posted 2009-11-26 09:01 PM

Oh my goodness. What a beautiful piece. Welcome!!

Aenea

If I don't say it...who will?

MadMarcus
Junior Member

since 2009-11-25

Posts 25
Sweden, Solna

5 posted 2009-11-28 10:28 AM

Thanks ^^ I´m glad you did enjoy reading it, your words really inspires me to continue writing<3

latearrival
Member Ascendant

since 2003-03-21

Posts 5499
Florida

6 posted 2009-11-29 12:48 PM

Yes, do continue to write. Writing out your feelings helps to heal if you need that and it also brings your inner thoughts out so you will better get to know yourself. keep it going. latearrival.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

7 posted 2009-11-29 09:19 PM

Your critique messages says in part "...but at least I'm trying..."

And as with anything, practice, and more practice, will count ever towards a greater piece of poetry or prose.

Don't stop. Continue on, read, learn, read, write.

And please check your email for a
Very Special Message!

" It matters not this distance now " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love
~*~
KRJ

MadMarcus
Junior Member

since 2009-11-25

Posts 25
Sweden, Solna

8 posted 2009-11-30 10:47 AM

Thanks for the wonderful card Sunshine ^^ And yes i will continue read, try, write & improve my poems & with that my soul & mind.

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

9 posted 2009-12-05 02:37 PM

Hi Marcus,

I saw your poem as it is very visual. It almost felt as if you were setting up a scene for the stage, which was interesting to me. So, I think that you have the ability to write images and show emotion. What a great start! More technical aspects of poetry come with time - believe me on this one.

Your critique comment states that "sometimes your spelling really sucks". I am one of those who always had a misspelling in my poetry - now I take the time to run it through spellcheck in word or use my dictionary. I see spelling errors and blatant grammatical errors as not showing full respect to those who read my poetry. We want to put our best efforts out. This is not to say that I am going to turn my nose up because you misspell a word, but since you know it "sucks" take the time to try to post the best work you can.

Welcome to PiP - I honestly look forward to reading more of your poems.

Alison

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

10 posted 2009-12-05 05:44 PM

And, don't get discouraged by critics. We
want you to learn/grow and become better at
what you are doing.

MadMarcus
Junior Member

since 2009-11-25

Posts 25
Sweden, Solna

11 posted 2009-12-05 06:48 PM

I wont get scared or sad of any type of critiques^^ It will only help me improve. And thanks again for all the warm and nice answers.

I´ll bear this pain untill the day i die, then my heart will stop, the pain will go away, but my love will never disapear.

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